a barren place called beautiful

yesterday was a bit of a roller coaster . the morning started off one way , the afternoon turned another , and the night ended in an entirely different way . 
at some point , every emotion was experienced in full . 
highs . 
lows . 
some lingered while others simply stopped long enough to make themselves known and move on .

whether uncontainable joy , burning anger , gut wrenching hurt , seemingly hopeless discouragement , physical pain , or the whiplash of  fast - forward speed mental processing and realization , i wake up this morning and i do not wish the day away . i do not regret any of my own negative contribution and i do not resent that of any others . it is not merely a focus on the mountains and denial of the valleys , i am thankful for it all . 
every emotion , whether the way it manifests be healthy or accurate as to how it is we are truly feeling at the bottom of it all , is born out of valid purpose . 
it is okay to not be okay . 
it is okay to feel weak and to lean on those [ who are safe to lean on ] around you . 
it is pride and deception to think we can make it on our own . 
the weaknesses i felt yesterday , the hopelessness and discouragement , would have gotten the best of me , i am sure , if not for the ones that carried me through that particular turn of the roller coaster . 
vulnerability is risky . it will humble you . ultimately , it will envelope you , carry you , break down walls , and draw you nearer to the people we have been gifted with in our lives . 
it will bless you , and it will bless them . 
vulnerability acknowledges that you are worth fighting for ; that you were made for more . 
likewise , vulnerability speaks to the worth of those with whom we choose to enter into it . 
it feels good to be trusted . 
it feels good to feel necessary , helpful , strong , chosen ; to be invited into intimacy with another person . 
in stepping into being vulnerable , a cycle of life giving relationship ensues ; a cyclical flow of value 

** i am worth fighting for - - >
you are trustworthy and dependable to support me - - >
i feel loved , covered , and affirmed in my worth that you would care enough about me to step into this with me - - >
i feel value and purpose that you would confide in me and see in me , someone approachable ; confident that i would have something of benefit to offer you . . . **

i am thankful for yesterday because i am learning how to not be okay . how to not simply ignore anything unpleasant while on the contrary , not sinking in to pity or sitting stagnant and complacent . 
how to not be taken over by the quick sand of internal processing and self assessment . 

i am thankful for yesterday because i am drowning in a sea of being genuinely and purely known ; of being seen sheerly for my heart - loved for what is there - identity spoken out that i cannot yet see or don't quite yet have the assurance to stand behind . 

don't stop with the feeling . don't stop with the circumstance . don't stop at blame or shame . 
if we do , we may ' move on ' , but the feeling will remain , fester , and inevitably resurface and manifest itself in an even deeper rooted and detrimental way in the future . 

i am frustrated .  why ?
i am sad . why ?
i am hurt . why ?
i am angry . why ?
i am scared . why ?

and on the flip side . . .

i am happy . why ?
i am excited . why ?
i am so encouraged . why ?

it all comes down to identity . the question actually isn't merely ' why ' but . . . what is this saying to me about my identity ? who i am ? do i believe it [ truth or lies - initiated by ourselves or another ] ?

what lie am i believing / do i feel is being called out in me that is not mine to hold ?
what truth am i not believing about myself or The One who made me ?
what does He have to say ?

i am thankful for yesterday because i am learning to allow every moment to be a reciprocal invitation . one i have the opportunity to offer and one i have the opportunity to receive . 

Lord , speak . 
Child , listen . 
Father , help me believe . 
Daughter , I adore you , stay with me , you will see . 

i took these pictures yesterday and initially had them at the beginning of this post with these words , 
' i don't actually like this picture , i mean , it's sort of cool i guess , but it certainly doesn't qualify as pretty . . . '  
i had gone to be in the woods and did not get the scenery i was hoping for . it was barren and dead . rampant ant hills were the only signs of life . . . and thorn bushes constantly scraping at my legs [ if that counts as life ]
it was The Pride Lands of The Lion King under the reign of Scar come to life ; which was fitting for that particular point in the roller coaster . . . but , according to who , was Scar actually deemed as ruler ?
himself and a bunch of stupid hyenas [ and or ' stupid mangey poachers . . .  aka irrelevant . plus the fact that they also eventually turned their backs on him ]
those he ' ruled ' never accepted or acknowledged him as that which he desired to be and while temporarily , at first glance , it looked as if scar was in control , anything beyond a fleeting glance would show otherwise . 

The Lord met me in this place , He allowed me still to sing [ literally . . . ask the hiker that walked by and away with a story to take back to his friends . . ] , He loved me there and Shepherded me to safety . He brought me home that by the end of the night , i might lay my head down to sleep shielded in grace , resting in peace , victorious with Him in another day one . 

it could have been so different and so i look again to the pictures and my soul whispers

beautiful . 

discipline and a little holy rebellion .

since being in waco , it's become a thing to make my bed and pick up my room every morning . i enjoy it . it brings a sense of peace in both how i personally feel but also the feel of my room . it's not chaotic to look at so it isn't chaotic to walk in to or be around . and at night , when the day is done it is a warm and welcoming invitation to pull back the covers , gather my stuffed animals , re-place my pillow , crawl in to and be safely swept away in sleep . all of that to lead up to and say , this morning i was met with a delightful release from The Lord to take the day off and to rest . i see Him with a smile on His face and hear Him whisper with a twinkle in His eye , ' hey baby , don't worry about making your bed today . . . if you find yourself wanting to pick up the floor sometime later this afternoon , great . but only if you want to ;) '

it's like getting flowers from your boyfriend . . . but also not at all because it's that much better . 

and i smile to think it started with obedience , discipline , and good stewardship . 

there's that ' discipline ' word again . . . see ?! it's really not so bad !
without it , this mornings invitation would have had no means by which to exist . 

domineering and legalistic . . . . it just isn't who He is .

something old something new .

so i had this huge revelation of this thing in my life that hasn't been a thing but from now on is definitely a thing . . in my life . 
it's something i've never really made a habit of , that now i am pursuing and practicing that it would become my new normal - natural . constant . innate . a ' thing ' as if it was never not a thing . 

waiting on The Lord :: 
intentionally asking and inviting Him in to specific details of my life . 
what does He think ? 
what does He say ? about me . . it . . them . . 
He is the huge uncontainable indefinable infinite God - - who sees , is in , and cares about every practicality . 

Lord , do i want to work out ? or do i want to take a nap . . do i want to go to grit ? or do i want to go to yoga . . do i want to watch aladdin or beauty and the beast ?
Lord , what do you want me to say or not say to this person . 
Jesus , i'm feeling rejected right now . . what do you say ?
God , that hurt and i'm angry . . i don't know what i need but you do . . speak to me . 
Holy Spirit , let's go on an adventure . . should i turn left or right here ? straight ? oh yeah , or that too . . 
Lord , so and so drives me nuts . . help me see them as you do , give me grace , and how can i make healthy boundaries with them , what do those look like ?
Should i buy a dog ? can i buy a dog ? what kind ? what should we name it ?!
God , i do **fill in the blank** and i know it's not good for me , i don't want to do it but i can't stop ! why ? what do i think it's accomplishing for me ? what am i not trusting or believing about You ?  what is the lie i'm believing about myself . . .

i get so excited about something , or afraid , or upset and i lay it before Him , spill it all , and ask//beg Him to show up , to rescue me , to move . . . i bring Him my frenzy [ which often tends to just multiply itself in the process ] and then forget to ask and wait for Him to respond so rather than 'leaving' with His Voice , with Peace , with His Heart . . . i 'leave' more burdened and distraught .
the real kicker is that then i become frustrated He 'isn't answering' . that nothing is changing . that i'm not free . when that is in fact , not at all the reality of what's going on . 

most of the time , we are talking at God . . when there is so much more available to us . . the invitation to - His desire  that we would - talk with Him .

there is so much Grace for this . it is a habit we have to practice , learn , instill in ourselves. it does not come naturally and so where i could turn that frustration on to myself and feel guilty and ashamed , instead , i accept the Grace and really , am giddy with excitement to now have realized such an 'oh duh' thing , giggle at myself , thank Him for the revelation . it is not a hindsight realization to be guilty about but a gateway into exponentially more freedom and intimacy . 
we all have to learn it . we all have to pursue it . forget how long it may have taken to get here . . i'm here now and am way more concerned with what it means for the rest of my life . just days in and everything is so different . so new . so alive . 

my own voice is so weak and powerless but when i come under His . . . we are unstoppable . 
if God is for us , who can be against us ? [ romans 8 : 31 ]
He's always been for us . . . for me . but to read the words is one thing . to know a fact is great . but to experience the reality personally ? fact becomes solidified and tangible truth no longer just floating around through your head but now deeply rooted , the very blood flowing , in your heart . 
hear-say is doubtable . 
first hand experience is inarguable . 

today is only day 3 of living in this new discipline and my entire life is completely different . i am completely different .  
i know discipline has a negative connotation and sounds overbearing but i could never even tell you fully or fairly or anywhere near completely , the Freedom i feel . the Peace . the Joy . the weightlessness .
all of the things i have begged , pleaded , and cried for . . wrestled and fought for only to come up anxious frustrated and confused as to why i didn't have them . 
living for The Spirit . craving His fruit [ galatians 5 : 22 - 23 ] . . yet feeling so empty handed and lacking .

we can lay our lives out before Him all day every day but the game changer is whether or not we leave it there . 

collecting seasons

i used to hate when people talked about ' seasons ' of life .
' i'm just in this season of ______ '
oh please .

it seemed to me to be a cop-out , go-to , cliche , easy christian answer to whatever was currently going on in the life of whoever's mouth the phrase was coming out of . 

see , when i heard the phrase , i heard :: 
' i hate my life right now , it's really hard and none of it makes any sense . i have no idea what God is doing and i'm kind of mad at Him for whatever it is . but watch this thing i can do , i'm going to whip out this phrase and it's going to be like this bandaid i slap over it all and pretend i'm this saintly soul that gets God and am totally cool with whatever it is He wants to do , however He wants to do it , and however long He wants to do it for .
basically , God makes no sense but with this phrase , I will pretend that He does and though no one else understands Him , I actually do . and so , i am in this season of _______  . '

spare me , i don't buy it . 

well , you might be surprised to hear i was a little bitter , hurt , jaded , and really every other synonym that would fit to follow . that whole schpeel that i interpreted from a few simple words ? in reality wasn't what they were implying at all . it was however , everything i was feeling about my own life . ( surprise. ) 
frustrated . stuck . manipulated . controlled . used . 
a doll being pulled and thrown wherever , played with however whomever might choose . 

yet through The Father by His grace , resilience , perseverance , might , and tenderness i have learned to embrace every season , for all that they are in their temporary passings by :: intentional , necessary , purposed , and so much more . 
and they are simply seasons .
they begin and they end and as we whether them , we collect them . 

i have also learned that we will never be brought into our next season if we have not acknowledged and given ourselves fully to the one that we are presently in . 

sometimes the transition is subtle and slow while other times it it is blatant and abrupt .

today i cross a very clear boundary out of my current season and in to the next that awaits me , anticipating my arrival . excited in all of it's glory , solely for me .

' i am lost , but not alone . '

i often feel lost , which tends to lead to feeling alone , but every time i approach the end of a season , it becomes so apparent to me that that was never the case at all and i am freshly reminded , that it never will be ( despite how quickly i will forget this truth , yet again . )

i want to thank those who have loved me in this season in too many ways to adequately communicate and thoroughly recall .

some are meant for a solitary season and some we carry with us from one to the next and my heart is full with those that fit the latter scenario . those that have loved me in all of my forms , in all of my extremes , and who will cross this boundary with me tomorrow , continuing to do the same .  

i also want to thank you for inviting me in to do the same for you . 
location and distance , though helpful are disposable . 
souls are uncontainable . 

when you think of someone , let them know . 
when you see something good in someone , call it out . 
pursue and know that you are worth pursuing . 
speak graciously and share your voice on behalf of the voiceless . 

celebrates the lives around you . submit yourself to be teachable and to live humble . live your life to leave a legacy , one that invites those around you to share it and carry it on . 

http://www.duckanddressing.com

i pray , as was said of the disciples , the world would say of me , 
she has been with Jesus . [ acts 4 : 13 ]

craving to be seen .

i've always been a girl for simple things . sure i enjoy the occasional extravagance , but when it comes down to it , i prefer things in their simplest state - raw . pure . natural .

which is why it still works that glitter is my favorite color - glitter , in it's simplest form , is still glitter ;)

the days remaining before i move are down to single digits and as i think about packing , i continue to get more and more excited ; the list of reasons quickly expanding . 

road trips. i love road trips . i've done a handful in my life and people think i'm crazy for doing them ' alone ' . 

i have this secret though and my family will understand . . . i'm actually not going alone at all . i'm going with me ! and with all my heart , there is no one else i would rather have for company . 

my dad told me last night that people tune me out for survival . save your sighs and gasps . it's actually anything but offensive , really . as twisted as it may be - i take it as a compliment . 

we live life most closely with ourselves and of anybody that i could have gotten stuck with , i cringe to think that it might have been anyone but me . 

perhaps i'm building my case upholding the ' his statement is not offensive ' claim , and if not , keep following the blog , you'll understand in time ;)

i'm rambling . 

excitement . . . 

my mind has begun to fill my suitcases and while i am excited for what i'll be bringing with me , i'm excited about everything that i'm not taking with me .

as long as i have my ::

1 . bed . 

2 . stuffed animal bunny i've slept with since the day i was born .

3 . books , journals , stamps and stationary 

( okay i also hope i remember my prenatal gummies - they help my hair grow . i swear by them . right after the Bible )

everything else ? insignificant minor details .

i am excited for a simple wardrobe , a room lacking for all the extra clutter and decor .

i'll hit the road just me , Delilah ( my car ) , and Brenda ( i already named my reserved uhaul ) .

the seventeen or so hours are not wasted time and empty space . they are a journey , an adventure inside of , and leading to , an even greater one . 

as i pass through time and space , growing closer to there than here , i envision layers of myself being stripped away - all the extra , all the clutter , all the weights and burdens - ones i can name and ones i don't . 

i see myself arriving bare . raw . ready . 

vulnerability is typically a terrifying thing . . but you know what ? ? i have never been so ready , so wanting , so hungry to be exposed . 

all of my life , i've had this insatiable craving to be hidden 

and all of the sudden , there's this thrill inside of me restless and bursting to be seen . 

for everything there is a season , a time for every activity under the sun [ ecclesiastes 3 : 1 ]

this is my season 

this is whimsy .

saving money is a great thing . but just as spending can become an issue , so can how tightly we hold on to that saved money . . . which tends to be the side of the issue i find myself on .

and so . sometimes you're walking out of class at pure barre no different than any other day until . . simultaneously as your foot crosses from the carpet studio floor to the wood of the lobby your eyes catch a glimpse in their peripheal vision and your heart thinks 

wait , is that ?! . . . are those ?! . . . 

oh.

good.

grief.

they aree.

pink and grey alo leggings. 

you have to.

you can't.

and then your friends tell you have to and you tell them you can't . 

i'm not saying this should be the thought process for every purchase but then something else piped in . . .

they match your blog . 

i do not believe in a stingy God in fact He is the complete opposite . He is lavish and He loves to love us . He spoils us through His Spirit and sometimes , as i learn to and practice trusting Him with my money sometimes He shows up out of the blue and says , 

doll . the moneys Mine to begin with and that $xx ?? you're only saving it because you think there just might come a time you need that exact amount of cash and I won't show up and well . i like to prove you wrong . 

let Me buy you one of your favorite things . . they match your blog ;)

and please . . try to enjoy them . [ this was dripping with sarcasm as the leggings were already my new favorite possession before they ever even ran my credit card . ]

this . is whimsy .

tank : http://lilyandsparrowboutique.com
leggings : http://www.aloyoga.com 

hitch and Jesus .

' this right here is what makes falling in love so hard ' love doctor Hitch . [[ edited for reader appreciation ]]

further edit . . . ' what makes love so hard '

what if loving someone , not just in a couple relationship but the context of any relationship , is so hard because we've got love all wrong ??

in my humble opinion this is actually not really an if question or a question at all . what i mean by what if is . . .

this is why love is so hard .
we don't have a gosh darn clue what love is and we're going about all the wrong ways to figure it out . we don't even need to figure it out . it's been laid out for us . it's been lived for us .

we've robbed love of what it is and made it shallow .
we've made it insignificant .
we've made it meaningless .
we've made it disposable because we want it to be easy .

but what ' we've made it ' doesn't change what it actually is , as much as we would like to think and make believe other wise .

a couple of weeks ago , before my blog was up , i wrote a post about forgiveness - or lack there of - in my own life  [[ you can find it here . .  it will also help the picture make sense ]] .

as with anything , The Lord asks us to do our part that we by doing so may allow Him to do His . He is omnipotent but He will never force His power on us against our will and our obedience is not a burden to offer but the acceptance of an invitation into deeper intimacy and freedom ; to have heavy weight lifted off of our shoulders and fresh air breathed into our lungs . i am learning and living it every day . so many instances of needing to forgive where i've chosen to say it while doubting my heart on believing if i meant it .

my part was to say it . His part was to move in me to mean it . to teach me what saying it meant . i didn't think i meant it , because i didn't feel it .
but forgiveness isn't a feeling .
likewise , either is love .


think about it .

what did both love and forgiveness feel like to Jesus ?
it felt like being beaten and broken left bleeding and dying as He hung by ripping flesh penetrated with nails ; skin grating against harsh and splintered wood .

yet He chose . 

The Word tells us that our sin grieves Him .
we have the capacity to break His heart , we betray Him , reject Him , and we do it repeatedly .

and yet . . He chose.

to love a person is not to love their actions , their choices , their words , or their grievances against us . it is not to enter in to relationship with every one of them or feel rainbows and butterflies, leaping for joy at the sight or thought of them .

it is to validate the pain they caused , healthily protect ourselves from future offenses from them , all the while seeing them as Jesus sees you ::

valuable .
worthy .
cherished .
irreplaceable .
His .
on purpose .
with purpose .
redeemable .
forgiven .

you see i think we look at the people we don't like or who have hurt us like they suddenly are in our possession . they hurt us and so we suddenly have this special connection and association to them with our hurt and our pain . suddenly we dont' need Jesus in that relationship anymore. they hurt us and so He becomes [ albeit subconciously . .  ] irrelevant .
forgiveness . . love . . becomes about them and about us .

but it's not about that at all .
i think of who i need to love and forgive . i see their face , feel what i feel , and stop there .

wrong .

i need to practice thinking of who i need to love and forgive . look up to Jesus and see His face ; look into His eyes and surrender .
it is there that than by experiencing first hand all over again real love my perspective changes and my heart is softened .

it is there that what consumes me is made right again . .

or rather , Who .

getting grateful .

to be honest , i was having a rough day yesterday and when i have those days there typically comes the point that i become frustrated with myself exasperatedly thinking ,  ' what ?! is wrong with me ?! ' 

the question was to myself as much as it was to Him .

i stopped for a minute . i grabbed my phone and headphones . i needed to take a walk . 

' i'll go listen to a podcast . . . no i don't want to listen to a podcast . '

strike one . 

' okay . . i'll take my book . . . no , i don't want to do that either . '

strike two . 

' i just really need to listen to worship . '

ding ! ding ! ding !

shoes tied , i headed down the driveway . i am abundantly blessed by the yard i get to look at everyday and the eyes in my head that are able to see it . 

i like to think of it as my secret and/or fairy garden . there are a couple of spots in particular that are especially fairy-garden-esque .

one being the creek that flows through the front yard . 

i paused on the bridge , leaned over to watch the fish , then closed my eyes and took a breathe . 

Jesus . . . [[ ' breathe ' meaning a deep inhale with more of a whimpering plea than a true exhale ]] . 

gratitude . i needed to get to a place of gratitude . 

worship playing (( and eyes open )) , i set off looking at a screen of a new , very blank note on my phone . 

my list began slow and reluctant . pitiful really . but i had been given an invitation and decided to take it and in-so doing , offering an invitation was returned .  His acceptance was not so hesitant . a song began . . . 

pink .

legs to walk with You . 

extensions . 

things to be thankful for . 

grace for the infinitely overwhelming amount and magnitude of things around me to be thankful for and yet , i start with ' pink ' . 

not living downtown so i can more clearly see the sky . 

new beginnings . the purpose in the process of being patient for their arrival and the faith to choose to believe it's there . 

learning to laugh at myself . 

giggling with You . 

redemption . 

lifted burdens and unbound bondage . 

provision . 

You are bigger . . than me . than it . than them .  

victory . 

Your Spirit , making You undeniably real . 

creativity . mine and others . 

Your patience and Your persistence with me. 

Your intimacy with me . 

Your promise of and character to never withhold Yourself from me .

drawing me when i reject You . time and time again . 

choosing me . 

stillness in the midst of chaos . 

Your immovability . 

that in the joy and in the pain , You are here . holding me . surrounding me on all sides . 

that with You , I have ' exceedingly abundantly ' all I ever need . 

[[ ephesians 3:20 ]]

comfort . the comfort of Yourself and the tangible blessings You move through . 

You welcome my honesty . You care ,fully and tenderly about and for ,  my broken breaking heart . 

You seek me . initiate with me . miss me when I'm not around and invite me in . 

You don't dispose , You hold . 

You don't patch , You heal .

You deal with me deeply and completely . 

You do not let me hide . 

You reveal my fears as the lies that they are rather than the protection i am deceived to see them as . 

You say I'm important , on purpose , with purpose , and Your Word is true , final , and forever .

Your Word*s* when i cannot form my own . 

that You are worship .

You are whimsy . 

and You are wild . 

you see , i was asking the wrong question and going about it completely the wrong way . 

a . there wasn't anything wrong with me . not in the condenming way my mind was shouting the question. & . whatever was wrong , wasn't mine to ' fix ' .

b. i didn't need someone else in my ear or words on a page telling me about Jesus . i needed Jesus . 

i didn't come back from my walk skipping , happy and ' all better ' . none of the reality of what i was feeling went away , but now it wasn't the focus . 

i had left defeated but i came back certain .

[[ The Lord your God among you is powerful - he will save and he will take joyful delight in you . In his love he will renew you with his love ; he will celebrate with singing because of you . 

 zephaniah 3 : 17 ]]

speechless .

i believe with all my heart that The Lord is a romantic . it is not only what He says of Himself but also the reality i live with Him every day .  admittedly , there are days in which i fail to see the romance , but His grace and mercy , unbound by time , are ceaselessly faithful to eventually unveil my blinded eyes , overwhelming my heart and flooding me all the more .

i never didn't want to go to waco . i had actually been accepted into the school back in april but for the time being , disappointedly , i had turned it down . i didn't understand . i had applied several months in advance with confidence and what i believed to be confirmation to do so .   with the press of the ' submit ' button my wild imagination , paired with a cavernous time of waiting , took up quick residence and my dreams ran away with me .

i had plans .
big ones .
grandiose ones . . .[[ i have a theory about this later . hold on to this unfinished thought . ]]

fast forward . 

the call hadn't come yet but there was a sinking , unsettled feeling in my heart .
i wasn't going to waco . that confidence and confirmation had come up with a different conclusion ; an ending i wasn't so excited about but the one that came with peace .

the call came . obedience isn't always easy and or pain free . i turned it down leaving my application filed as ' no ' with an open invitation to be refiled as otherwise . [[ part two of soon to be mentioned theory . hold on to this one too ]]

when i am presented with my ' next steps options ' i worry and weigh and improvise the outcome of each situation . i am not a logistics person but i try to think through them . i fantasize myself in each scenario [ undoubtedly completely unrealistically ] and after all of this hard work , typically , come up with nothing . . besides more exasperation than i began with .

i've boiled it down to one question and am practicing coming to it more quickly , side stepping above mentioned exasperation . the question is this ::

which requires more faith . . in this case . . to stay or to go ??

in april , it was blatantly to stay .

fast forward . 

i , not so coincidentally , ended up at a prayer and worship night at a church an hour away that i had never been to . the service started , the Holy Spirit was invited , and oh did He move . i lost myself in Him , walking out of that place ninety minutes later in somewhat of a daze ; a fog ; it was as if i had come down from the clouds . i have yet to come up with an adequate description of what it was i was feeling but it was disorienting . it doesn't matter what it felt like though because i knew what it was . it was Him . His Presence .

He had found me and enveloped me as i sat alone among strangers in the most inconspicuous of places , where moments before i had sat in the parking lot debating whether or not to go in .

i journaled . i cried . i laughed . i sat still . i soaked it in and on the drive home i celebrated .

i was going to waco .

now , i know i'm not the only one thinking The Lord is looking a bit bipolar and indecisive right now . cue the soon to follow meltdown of  ' what am i doing?! i don't hear the lord (( how's that for discouragement and the pit of despair )) ?!  He's not supposed to change His mind ?! i don't deserve to go to waco ?! ' 

and the ever faithful inevitable finale of . . .
' IM GOING TO DIE '

baby fast forward.

a . i hear The Lord (( and so do you for that matter ))
b . He does not change His mind or contradict Himself .
c . deserve?  revisit grace . . moot point .  &
d . i'm obviously still alive so we won't even worry about addressing that one . . leave a comment if you have any questions there .


i think we can all agree that it is very obvious He is not the bipolar indecisive one and that those two qualities blatantly belong to me .

i was always going to waco .
[[ pause . go grab those two unfinished thoughts i left you with before ]]
this whole process was about exactly that . . the process . the journey . those grandiose dreams ? they had taken His hands off of the plan and went to work replacing them my own messy finger prints .
My Father loves to dream . He loves to dream even more than i do and is capable of even bigger ones than my imagination could ever even dare  . in His dreaming , He created me , and invited me along to do it with Him .
i got ahead of myself and started doing it without Him . what does that do ? it leaves Him out consequently shrinking and limiting my dreams which is unsatisfying to Him .
that romance ? i could have argued with you kicking , screaming , moping , and crying , that it just wasn't there the day i turned my acceptance down .
thankfully i didn't because that brings us to the ' eventually ' . the eventually is not on His part but mine , the grace is that He willingly sticks out the ' eventually ' anticipating that ' ohhhhhhhhh , thaat's what You were doing . ' moment with all the rosiness of my cheeks as they sheepishly blush in the humbling reappointing Him to the throne and getting my butt off of it .

I took waco from Him and all He wanted to do was give it to me . He wanted to give me a gift in all of it's fullness , in all of His glory , in all of His love .
He never changed His mind , but there was more going on than the decision of whether or not to go to Waco .
it wasn't right or wrong .
it wasn't life or death .

it was , every step of the way , every piece of the puzzle , every unfinished thought and moment of feeling forgotten , for the sake of sweeping me off my feet .

it is now those moments that felt forsaken that i look back and know i was ' most ' intimately and vulnerably seen .
provided for .
carried .
held .

this adventure is now the invitation it was always meant to be ,

 come away with me . . [ mark 6:31 ]

let me show you just how big i love you . 

He loves to see me speechless ,

and Lord knows He's the only one capable of getting me that way .