a barren place called beautiful

yesterday was a bit of a roller coaster . the morning started off one way , the afternoon turned another , and the night ended in an entirely different way . 
at some point , every emotion was experienced in full . 
highs . 
lows . 
some lingered while others simply stopped long enough to make themselves known and move on .

whether uncontainable joy , burning anger , gut wrenching hurt , seemingly hopeless discouragement , physical pain , or the whiplash of  fast - forward speed mental processing and realization , i wake up this morning and i do not wish the day away . i do not regret any of my own negative contribution and i do not resent that of any others . it is not merely a focus on the mountains and denial of the valleys , i am thankful for it all . 
every emotion , whether the way it manifests be healthy or accurate as to how it is we are truly feeling at the bottom of it all , is born out of valid purpose . 
it is okay to not be okay . 
it is okay to feel weak and to lean on those [ who are safe to lean on ] around you . 
it is pride and deception to think we can make it on our own . 
the weaknesses i felt yesterday , the hopelessness and discouragement , would have gotten the best of me , i am sure , if not for the ones that carried me through that particular turn of the roller coaster . 
vulnerability is risky . it will humble you . ultimately , it will envelope you , carry you , break down walls , and draw you nearer to the people we have been gifted with in our lives . 
it will bless you , and it will bless them . 
vulnerability acknowledges that you are worth fighting for ; that you were made for more . 
likewise , vulnerability speaks to the worth of those with whom we choose to enter into it . 
it feels good to be trusted . 
it feels good to feel necessary , helpful , strong , chosen ; to be invited into intimacy with another person . 
in stepping into being vulnerable , a cycle of life giving relationship ensues ; a cyclical flow of value 

** i am worth fighting for - - >
you are trustworthy and dependable to support me - - >
i feel loved , covered , and affirmed in my worth that you would care enough about me to step into this with me - - >
i feel value and purpose that you would confide in me and see in me , someone approachable ; confident that i would have something of benefit to offer you . . . **

i am thankful for yesterday because i am learning how to not be okay . how to not simply ignore anything unpleasant while on the contrary , not sinking in to pity or sitting stagnant and complacent . 
how to not be taken over by the quick sand of internal processing and self assessment . 

i am thankful for yesterday because i am drowning in a sea of being genuinely and purely known ; of being seen sheerly for my heart - loved for what is there - identity spoken out that i cannot yet see or don't quite yet have the assurance to stand behind . 

don't stop with the feeling . don't stop with the circumstance . don't stop at blame or shame . 
if we do , we may ' move on ' , but the feeling will remain , fester , and inevitably resurface and manifest itself in an even deeper rooted and detrimental way in the future . 

i am frustrated .  why ?
i am sad . why ?
i am hurt . why ?
i am angry . why ?
i am scared . why ?

and on the flip side . . .

i am happy . why ?
i am excited . why ?
i am so encouraged . why ?

it all comes down to identity . the question actually isn't merely ' why ' but . . . what is this saying to me about my identity ? who i am ? do i believe it [ truth or lies - initiated by ourselves or another ] ?

what lie am i believing / do i feel is being called out in me that is not mine to hold ?
what truth am i not believing about myself or The One who made me ?
what does He have to say ?

i am thankful for yesterday because i am learning to allow every moment to be a reciprocal invitation . one i have the opportunity to offer and one i have the opportunity to receive . 

Lord , speak . 
Child , listen . 
Father , help me believe . 
Daughter , I adore you , stay with me , you will see . 

i took these pictures yesterday and initially had them at the beginning of this post with these words , 
' i don't actually like this picture , i mean , it's sort of cool i guess , but it certainly doesn't qualify as pretty . . . '  
i had gone to be in the woods and did not get the scenery i was hoping for . it was barren and dead . rampant ant hills were the only signs of life . . . and thorn bushes constantly scraping at my legs [ if that counts as life ]
it was The Pride Lands of The Lion King under the reign of Scar come to life ; which was fitting for that particular point in the roller coaster . . . but , according to who , was Scar actually deemed as ruler ?
himself and a bunch of stupid hyenas [ and or ' stupid mangey poachers . . .  aka irrelevant . plus the fact that they also eventually turned their backs on him ]
those he ' ruled ' never accepted or acknowledged him as that which he desired to be and while temporarily , at first glance , it looked as if scar was in control , anything beyond a fleeting glance would show otherwise . 

The Lord met me in this place , He allowed me still to sing [ literally . . . ask the hiker that walked by and away with a story to take back to his friends . . ] , He loved me there and Shepherded me to safety . He brought me home that by the end of the night , i might lay my head down to sleep shielded in grace , resting in peace , victorious with Him in another day one . 

it could have been so different and so i look again to the pictures and my soul whispers

beautiful . 

pillow talk

this trip has been adventure . it has been joy , laughter , and excitement . 
it has been new places and faces and incredible cups of coffee . 

i speak of it as though all of that is past tense , and while it is , it is also very much still happening and will continue to happen . 

i've lived here before , in this city with many of the same faces . 
but there is so much unknown , and even the known changes . 
i've changed . 

and if someone or something is only remnants of the same . . . is it really the same at all ? 
maybe . i don't have an answer . and maybe the answer is relevant . or irrelevant . 


so far , i have showcased the dreams and shelved the fears as far as you all are concerned but i'll let you in on a not so secret secret .


i am terrified . sometimes slightly , and other times overwhelmingly . 
typing away , i sit on my bed , hair a mess on top of my head and crocodile tears streaming down my face . 
part of me wants to run away . 
quit . change my mind . 
but it hasn't even started yet . 

i struggle with time and in betweens . i like variety but change is hard for me . 
i feel sick in every way and i am completely exhausted . 
each of the little things i am adjusting to bring me so much joy but when they're all thrown together and at me simultaneously , i am overwhelmed . 

i never want to write out of complaint or negativity but i also want to be fair , real , honest , and paint a whole picture . 
so i hope you don't walk away discouraged . 

as much as panic gets the best of me at times , and maybe at this particular time , if we don't acknowledge our emotions , we can't properly deal with them . 

i do not regret or wish to change any part of this . . . i am sick and tired . and a girl . 
i am a znachko girl . and i am me . . . which all boils down to this undeniable fact :: every emotion leads to tears . happy , sad , good , bad , indifferent . . . mix a bunch of those together and ?? get your lifeboats . danger of drowning . 

so cry , but don't forget to breathe . and with each tear clearing blink of your eyes , catch a clear ray of vision [ it's okay that your eyes are filling right back up . . . you'll blink again ] .

cumulatively , life is daunting but if you pick it apart for the little pieces that it is , it's really quite non-threatening . 

call out to Jesus . 
be at peace . 
get some sleep . 
when tomorrow comes , don't allow today to linger . 

oh and also ?? sometimes it's good to call your mom . 

coming home .

it's been several days since i have written . and i have so much to say but at the same time , struggle for the words and it's in those places i know i am not to write . 

i wait for the words to settle and rise in me . . . rather than my chasing them down . 

but , i figured it wouldn't hurt to check in . let you know i am home . safe . still very much here . 

the time and space i have been gifted with to travel , rest , stay , go , be , explore , settle in , and move has been such a welcomed grace . so peaceful .
and peace does not come easy for me . 
i am not good with or at rest . 

being still scares me . 
but not here . 

i thank you for following my journey . for being excited for me and all of what none of us even know it will entail . i am so looking forward to sharing it with you while also realizing what lies ahead of me , what i am already living in and experiencing now , is far beyond communicable . 

i thank you for the grace to ebb and flow in my postings . i have no formula , no schedule , no expectation . . . 

you will get words . sometimes many and sometimes few . 
you will get pictures . sometimes captioned and sometimes not . 

as much as this year is my year , let it be yours as well . take from it what you will , relate to it as you do . as you give me grace , i give the same to you . 
ask questions if you like , participate or observe . 
when life gets busy , come and rest . 

home is so many things .
in so many ways , home is where i have come .
and here is my hope for you . . that my coming home will be a catalyst to , in some form or fashion , a coming home for you too . 

and welcome home to you . 

what if . .

we believed God is all He said He is .
i mean like . . . every last letter of every last Word .
what if it pulsed through our bodies from the outward most point of those fly away hairs down and out through our tippiest toes .

maybe that's too much to ask . that's a lot of letters to bank on . maybe we could just hang on to doubting a few things . . .
hmm.
okay . so what if we acted like we believed He is all He says He is .

we've all had our fare share of practice at faking things , most of us are pretty good at it . we all have our areas of expertise . .

when we pray and we invite the Spirit to come , He never fails to take up the offer . He does not hesitate to take up full residence . and how much more so when we invite others to do the same on our behalves.
bull in a china shop .

i couldn't sleep last night and i won't carry on about it but sleep and i have been on rocky terms for over a decade now . sometimes it's nightmares that would put your finest horror films to shame . sometimes it's restlessness and anxieties . sometimes i have no idea what it is . and sometimes , it is deep and intimate communion with the Father .
i have a problem with keeping still for more than .2 seconds during the day so i think He takes full advantage of the opportunity . { personally i'm a fan of when He does so in dreams , meaning i get to also be sleeping - multitasking . but i'll go with sentence one and believe He knows what He's doing . }

i woke up with this convicting [ note** author did not say condemning **] whisper repeating through my mind

stop planning for ' incase I don't show up '

let it repeat itself a few times in your own head . really absorb it . a short phrase not so short on impact .

we have our things that are harder to fully surrender to God , the ones we kind of fake like we've given to Him but really our hands are want of circulation for the vice grip we continue to hold on with . ' here you go God ' . . .
we create ' plan B ' and make a fool of no one but ourselves .

there is no plan B . it's just not a thing . when plan B is put in place , plan A really just goes out the window .
He goes out the window and we rob ourselves of His power in our lives .

we act out of our expectations . and our expectations are born out of our beliefs .
( i wasn't meaning to make a reference but , this actually goes hand in hand with a podcast i listened to the other day by Russ Snyder )

The Lord is working very diligently in my life in specific areas . He is a God of detail and i am feeling extremely vulnerable , exposed , and were He anyone but Himself , i would be claiming all sorts of violation . [ john 15 : 2 ] but this is a blog , not a novel and most definitely not a double digits book long series
but .

here was my challenge , and i share it with you ::

trust me , greater than you fear your fears . 
face them . choose me .
jump . I have already caught you . 
I have healed you many times before , watch , I want to do it again . 
let me show off for you . 

no back up plans , no ' just in cases ' 
one day . give me one day just you and Me . 
risk expecting that I'll show up . . risk believing that I'm already there . 

I dare you . 

You'll be glad you did and forget what you ever even feared . 

hitch and Jesus .

' this right here is what makes falling in love so hard ' love doctor Hitch . [[ edited for reader appreciation ]]

further edit . . . ' what makes love so hard '

what if loving someone , not just in a couple relationship but the context of any relationship , is so hard because we've got love all wrong ??

in my humble opinion this is actually not really an if question or a question at all . what i mean by what if is . . .

this is why love is so hard .
we don't have a gosh darn clue what love is and we're going about all the wrong ways to figure it out . we don't even need to figure it out . it's been laid out for us . it's been lived for us .

we've robbed love of what it is and made it shallow .
we've made it insignificant .
we've made it meaningless .
we've made it disposable because we want it to be easy .

but what ' we've made it ' doesn't change what it actually is , as much as we would like to think and make believe other wise .

a couple of weeks ago , before my blog was up , i wrote a post about forgiveness - or lack there of - in my own life  [[ you can find it here . .  it will also help the picture make sense ]] .

as with anything , The Lord asks us to do our part that we by doing so may allow Him to do His . He is omnipotent but He will never force His power on us against our will and our obedience is not a burden to offer but the acceptance of an invitation into deeper intimacy and freedom ; to have heavy weight lifted off of our shoulders and fresh air breathed into our lungs . i am learning and living it every day . so many instances of needing to forgive where i've chosen to say it while doubting my heart on believing if i meant it .

my part was to say it . His part was to move in me to mean it . to teach me what saying it meant . i didn't think i meant it , because i didn't feel it .
but forgiveness isn't a feeling .
likewise , either is love .


think about it .

what did both love and forgiveness feel like to Jesus ?
it felt like being beaten and broken left bleeding and dying as He hung by ripping flesh penetrated with nails ; skin grating against harsh and splintered wood .

yet He chose . 

The Word tells us that our sin grieves Him .
we have the capacity to break His heart , we betray Him , reject Him , and we do it repeatedly .

and yet . . He chose.

to love a person is not to love their actions , their choices , their words , or their grievances against us . it is not to enter in to relationship with every one of them or feel rainbows and butterflies, leaping for joy at the sight or thought of them .

it is to validate the pain they caused , healthily protect ourselves from future offenses from them , all the while seeing them as Jesus sees you ::

valuable .
worthy .
cherished .
irreplaceable .
His .
on purpose .
with purpose .
redeemable .
forgiven .

you see i think we look at the people we don't like or who have hurt us like they suddenly are in our possession . they hurt us and so we suddenly have this special connection and association to them with our hurt and our pain . suddenly we dont' need Jesus in that relationship anymore. they hurt us and so He becomes [ albeit subconciously . .  ] irrelevant .
forgiveness . . love . . becomes about them and about us .

but it's not about that at all .
i think of who i need to love and forgive . i see their face , feel what i feel , and stop there .

wrong .

i need to practice thinking of who i need to love and forgive . look up to Jesus and see His face ; look into His eyes and surrender .
it is there that than by experiencing first hand all over again real love my perspective changes and my heart is softened .

it is there that what consumes me is made right again . .

or rather , Who .

getting grateful .

to be honest , i was having a rough day yesterday and when i have those days there typically comes the point that i become frustrated with myself exasperatedly thinking ,  ' what ?! is wrong with me ?! ' 

the question was to myself as much as it was to Him .

i stopped for a minute . i grabbed my phone and headphones . i needed to take a walk . 

' i'll go listen to a podcast . . . no i don't want to listen to a podcast . '

strike one . 

' okay . . i'll take my book . . . no , i don't want to do that either . '

strike two . 

' i just really need to listen to worship . '

ding ! ding ! ding !

shoes tied , i headed down the driveway . i am abundantly blessed by the yard i get to look at everyday and the eyes in my head that are able to see it . 

i like to think of it as my secret and/or fairy garden . there are a couple of spots in particular that are especially fairy-garden-esque .

one being the creek that flows through the front yard . 

i paused on the bridge , leaned over to watch the fish , then closed my eyes and took a breathe . 

Jesus . . . [[ ' breathe ' meaning a deep inhale with more of a whimpering plea than a true exhale ]] . 

gratitude . i needed to get to a place of gratitude . 

worship playing (( and eyes open )) , i set off looking at a screen of a new , very blank note on my phone . 

my list began slow and reluctant . pitiful really . but i had been given an invitation and decided to take it and in-so doing , offering an invitation was returned .  His acceptance was not so hesitant . a song began . . . 

pink .

legs to walk with You . 

extensions . 

things to be thankful for . 

grace for the infinitely overwhelming amount and magnitude of things around me to be thankful for and yet , i start with ' pink ' . 

not living downtown so i can more clearly see the sky . 

new beginnings . the purpose in the process of being patient for their arrival and the faith to choose to believe it's there . 

learning to laugh at myself . 

giggling with You . 

redemption . 

lifted burdens and unbound bondage . 

provision . 

You are bigger . . than me . than it . than them .  

victory . 

Your Spirit , making You undeniably real . 

creativity . mine and others . 

Your patience and Your persistence with me. 

Your intimacy with me . 

Your promise of and character to never withhold Yourself from me .

drawing me when i reject You . time and time again . 

choosing me . 

stillness in the midst of chaos . 

Your immovability . 

that in the joy and in the pain , You are here . holding me . surrounding me on all sides . 

that with You , I have ' exceedingly abundantly ' all I ever need . 

[[ ephesians 3:20 ]]

comfort . the comfort of Yourself and the tangible blessings You move through . 

You welcome my honesty . You care ,fully and tenderly about and for ,  my broken breaking heart . 

You seek me . initiate with me . miss me when I'm not around and invite me in . 

You don't dispose , You hold . 

You don't patch , You heal .

You deal with me deeply and completely . 

You do not let me hide . 

You reveal my fears as the lies that they are rather than the protection i am deceived to see them as . 

You say I'm important , on purpose , with purpose , and Your Word is true , final , and forever .

Your Word*s* when i cannot form my own . 

that You are worship .

You are whimsy . 

and You are wild . 

you see , i was asking the wrong question and going about it completely the wrong way . 

a . there wasn't anything wrong with me . not in the condenming way my mind was shouting the question. & . whatever was wrong , wasn't mine to ' fix ' .

b. i didn't need someone else in my ear or words on a page telling me about Jesus . i needed Jesus . 

i didn't come back from my walk skipping , happy and ' all better ' . none of the reality of what i was feeling went away , but now it wasn't the focus . 

i had left defeated but i came back certain .

[[ The Lord your God among you is powerful - he will save and he will take joyful delight in you . In his love he will renew you with his love ; he will celebrate with singing because of you . 

 zephaniah 3 : 17 ]]