psalm ** : ** [ a song of annabelle ]

O Lord . 

You know where i've been , every deepest pit ;

every flickering fleeting hope.  You know because You were there , 

with me , for me .

You know my pain even more deeply than i do.  You are the giver of my joys . 

You forgive my selfishness and self pity .

You stoop down to meet me in my blind and brokenness . You sit with me 'til day break and then still , always will remain . 

in the pits of hell , body clutched , eyes locked shut as a steal trap door , 

You remain . You never never took , and never will take , Your Presence from me . 

When i refuse You , You are still there . 

When everyone else leaves me , You stay . 

stronger than any attempts to kill me , You sustain me . my very breathe . 

my very beating heart . 

my ability to see You or feel you does not change You . 

it does not shake You . 

You are the healer , and even more , You are the resurrector .

slowly , as understanding slips into the peripheral realm of my senses , i cling to the Promise ; to You , that one day and one day soon I will You fully and clearly . 

past . present . future . 

questions answered . 

doubts irrelevant . 

angels singing and demons destroyed . 

I am Yours , and You are mine . 

Jesus , hold me .  carry me out of the shadows away from the grip of death and into Your Glorious Light and Life . 

grip my wavering heart in Your unshakeable Grace .

You . my immovable fortress.

my lifeline .

my only Hope and desperate plea , 

not for what You do but only for who You are .

a pure love for You made possible in Your pure love for me . 

teach me . 

lead me . 

love me .

You , oh faithful , ever-present God ,

let me find You in hidden places . 

help me believe You are in the things unseen . 

honesty unlocks doors . we cannot get to the place that we are going if we do not [ cannot ] acknowledge and engage the place that we are in .

pillow talk

this trip has been adventure . it has been joy , laughter , and excitement . 
it has been new places and faces and incredible cups of coffee . 

i speak of it as though all of that is past tense , and while it is , it is also very much still happening and will continue to happen . 

i've lived here before , in this city with many of the same faces . 
but there is so much unknown , and even the known changes . 
i've changed . 

and if someone or something is only remnants of the same . . . is it really the same at all ? 
maybe . i don't have an answer . and maybe the answer is relevant . or irrelevant . 


so far , i have showcased the dreams and shelved the fears as far as you all are concerned but i'll let you in on a not so secret secret .


i am terrified . sometimes slightly , and other times overwhelmingly . 
typing away , i sit on my bed , hair a mess on top of my head and crocodile tears streaming down my face . 
part of me wants to run away . 
quit . change my mind . 
but it hasn't even started yet . 

i struggle with time and in betweens . i like variety but change is hard for me . 
i feel sick in every way and i am completely exhausted . 
each of the little things i am adjusting to bring me so much joy but when they're all thrown together and at me simultaneously , i am overwhelmed . 

i never want to write out of complaint or negativity but i also want to be fair , real , honest , and paint a whole picture . 
so i hope you don't walk away discouraged . 

as much as panic gets the best of me at times , and maybe at this particular time , if we don't acknowledge our emotions , we can't properly deal with them . 

i do not regret or wish to change any part of this . . . i am sick and tired . and a girl . 
i am a znachko girl . and i am me . . . which all boils down to this undeniable fact :: every emotion leads to tears . happy , sad , good , bad , indifferent . . . mix a bunch of those together and ?? get your lifeboats . danger of drowning . 

so cry , but don't forget to breathe . and with each tear clearing blink of your eyes , catch a clear ray of vision [ it's okay that your eyes are filling right back up . . . you'll blink again ] .

cumulatively , life is daunting but if you pick it apart for the little pieces that it is , it's really quite non-threatening . 

call out to Jesus . 
be at peace . 
get some sleep . 
when tomorrow comes , don't allow today to linger . 

oh and also ?? sometimes it's good to call your mom . 

craving to be seen .

i've always been a girl for simple things . sure i enjoy the occasional extravagance , but when it comes down to it , i prefer things in their simplest state - raw . pure . natural .

which is why it still works that glitter is my favorite color - glitter , in it's simplest form , is still glitter ;)

the days remaining before i move are down to single digits and as i think about packing , i continue to get more and more excited ; the list of reasons quickly expanding . 

road trips. i love road trips . i've done a handful in my life and people think i'm crazy for doing them ' alone ' . 

i have this secret though and my family will understand . . . i'm actually not going alone at all . i'm going with me ! and with all my heart , there is no one else i would rather have for company . 

my dad told me last night that people tune me out for survival . save your sighs and gasps . it's actually anything but offensive , really . as twisted as it may be - i take it as a compliment . 

we live life most closely with ourselves and of anybody that i could have gotten stuck with , i cringe to think that it might have been anyone but me . 

perhaps i'm building my case upholding the ' his statement is not offensive ' claim , and if not , keep following the blog , you'll understand in time ;)

i'm rambling . 

excitement . . . 

my mind has begun to fill my suitcases and while i am excited for what i'll be bringing with me , i'm excited about everything that i'm not taking with me .

as long as i have my ::

1 . bed . 

2 . stuffed animal bunny i've slept with since the day i was born .

3 . books , journals , stamps and stationary 

( okay i also hope i remember my prenatal gummies - they help my hair grow . i swear by them . right after the Bible )

everything else ? insignificant minor details .

i am excited for a simple wardrobe , a room lacking for all the extra clutter and decor .

i'll hit the road just me , Delilah ( my car ) , and Brenda ( i already named my reserved uhaul ) .

the seventeen or so hours are not wasted time and empty space . they are a journey , an adventure inside of , and leading to , an even greater one . 

as i pass through time and space , growing closer to there than here , i envision layers of myself being stripped away - all the extra , all the clutter , all the weights and burdens - ones i can name and ones i don't . 

i see myself arriving bare . raw . ready . 

vulnerability is typically a terrifying thing . . but you know what ? ? i have never been so ready , so wanting , so hungry to be exposed . 

all of my life , i've had this insatiable craving to be hidden 

and all of the sudden , there's this thrill inside of me restless and bursting to be seen . 

for everything there is a season , a time for every activity under the sun [ ecclesiastes 3 : 1 ]

this is my season 

worship whimsy & wild .

people have , often in my life , told me that i am brave .

i have always , for the most part quietly , disagreed .

" i'm only brave because i have to be "

name that movie ? anyone ? caroline ? that's my sister . . we play this game a lot. for future reference ? mulan is usually a pretty safe bet . . i would , of course , start with an exception .

it's the lion king . pretend you knew , even if you didn't .

anyways .

i've been faced with plenty of reason to be forcedly brave , although , i suppose i didn't have to be but they are those kinds of situations where the option isn't really an option , you know ?

to be brutally honest , i think that sometimes - most of the time - every time ? - feigning bravery sounded worse than fear and i believed i deserved the worst , so bravery it was .

as there are exceptions with the movie game , there are a select few instances i'll take the silver star . . it is silver . gallant . i googled it .

i've always been a sucker for the comparison game though so on second thought , (or are we at third . . fifth . . seventh ?) , if you were to hold the "actually" brave up against the "faking it" brave . . they wouldn't seem too consequential in my opinion and would lose all their merit . disqualified . back to square one .

can you tell i carry an impressively dominant indecissive gene ? i was born without any dna for balance . . and a few other things . . so Indecisive was kind enough to spread itself out and make itself comfortable to make up for what was missing .

my mom also says i'm an introvert . . an 'outgoing introvert' . . but i have this theory . i think my brother would agree that i'm actually (at least) 2 different people . . but not in the clinically diagnosable sense . . my external self is an introvert . all up inside of me though ? extrovert . all the way . we're in our first post and it's already ringing true to you too . . i am an extremely internal extrovert all bound and wound up within my own self .  the 'outgoing introvert' is where the two intermingle .

nailed it . it's exhausting .

i'm exhausting . i'm aware .

bare with me .

it's fine .

anyways (did i already say that once ? wrap it up here girlfriend . . okay. yes. we've got this . . did i just say 'we?!')

the point is.  i am about to brave . because i want to be . and because i'm worth it .

it turns out that all of those times i 'punished' myself faking it ? when the choices were

' 1. take my own life or

2. suffer through it at the hands of others . . choose the most miserable option . ' and i was convinced that option was 2 ??

i was wrong . so very . very . wrong .

if there were stars for hating yourself , i would have earned them all .

it turns out 1. would have been the worst option all along .

if you're one of those who have a hard time admitting your wrong , try that one on for size . (but don't actually , just take my word for it) it becomes a whole lot easier to admit you're wrong when you realize being right would have left you dead about 97 times over .

the point is , i have not been brave . i have been afraid but all along there has been Someone loving me greater than i hated myself and my fear of other people .

He has not let me ruin my own life. i tried . i got tired of it .

He can sustain Himself much longer than i can so rather than resist Him i started going with Him .

i'm headed into an adventure and i'd like you to come with me .

in two weeks i will be packing up my car , loading up a uhaul , and headed to waco , texas to attend Antioch Community Church Discipleship School .

i have hopes and dreams , visions and promises covering the next year . i have spent far too much of my life in hiding , enslaved to one of secrecy and lies , but i've come to the light and found The One whom my Soul loves ( Sol. 3:4 ) and His glory begs , even demands , to be seen .

this is my year . this is Our year .

a beginning that has no end .

this is life .

it is worship . .

    it is whimsy . .

         
        and it is wild .