discipline and a little holy rebellion .

since being in waco , it's become a thing to make my bed and pick up my room every morning . i enjoy it . it brings a sense of peace in both how i personally feel but also the feel of my room . it's not chaotic to look at so it isn't chaotic to walk in to or be around . and at night , when the day is done it is a warm and welcoming invitation to pull back the covers , gather my stuffed animals , re-place my pillow , crawl in to and be safely swept away in sleep . all of that to lead up to and say , this morning i was met with a delightful release from The Lord to take the day off and to rest . i see Him with a smile on His face and hear Him whisper with a twinkle in His eye , ' hey baby , don't worry about making your bed today . . . if you find yourself wanting to pick up the floor sometime later this afternoon , great . but only if you want to ;) '

it's like getting flowers from your boyfriend . . . but also not at all because it's that much better . 

and i smile to think it started with obedience , discipline , and good stewardship . 

there's that ' discipline ' word again . . . see ?! it's really not so bad !
without it , this mornings invitation would have had no means by which to exist . 

domineering and legalistic . . . . it just isn't who He is .

pillow talk

this trip has been adventure . it has been joy , laughter , and excitement . 
it has been new places and faces and incredible cups of coffee . 

i speak of it as though all of that is past tense , and while it is , it is also very much still happening and will continue to happen . 

i've lived here before , in this city with many of the same faces . 
but there is so much unknown , and even the known changes . 
i've changed . 

and if someone or something is only remnants of the same . . . is it really the same at all ? 
maybe . i don't have an answer . and maybe the answer is relevant . or irrelevant . 


so far , i have showcased the dreams and shelved the fears as far as you all are concerned but i'll let you in on a not so secret secret .


i am terrified . sometimes slightly , and other times overwhelmingly . 
typing away , i sit on my bed , hair a mess on top of my head and crocodile tears streaming down my face . 
part of me wants to run away . 
quit . change my mind . 
but it hasn't even started yet . 

i struggle with time and in betweens . i like variety but change is hard for me . 
i feel sick in every way and i am completely exhausted . 
each of the little things i am adjusting to bring me so much joy but when they're all thrown together and at me simultaneously , i am overwhelmed . 

i never want to write out of complaint or negativity but i also want to be fair , real , honest , and paint a whole picture . 
so i hope you don't walk away discouraged . 

as much as panic gets the best of me at times , and maybe at this particular time , if we don't acknowledge our emotions , we can't properly deal with them . 

i do not regret or wish to change any part of this . . . i am sick and tired . and a girl . 
i am a znachko girl . and i am me . . . which all boils down to this undeniable fact :: every emotion leads to tears . happy , sad , good , bad , indifferent . . . mix a bunch of those together and ?? get your lifeboats . danger of drowning . 

so cry , but don't forget to breathe . and with each tear clearing blink of your eyes , catch a clear ray of vision [ it's okay that your eyes are filling right back up . . . you'll blink again ] .

cumulatively , life is daunting but if you pick it apart for the little pieces that it is , it's really quite non-threatening . 

call out to Jesus . 
be at peace . 
get some sleep . 
when tomorrow comes , don't allow today to linger . 

oh and also ?? sometimes it's good to call your mom . 

coming home .

it's been several days since i have written . and i have so much to say but at the same time , struggle for the words and it's in those places i know i am not to write . 

i wait for the words to settle and rise in me . . . rather than my chasing them down . 

but , i figured it wouldn't hurt to check in . let you know i am home . safe . still very much here . 

the time and space i have been gifted with to travel , rest , stay , go , be , explore , settle in , and move has been such a welcomed grace . so peaceful .
and peace does not come easy for me . 
i am not good with or at rest . 

being still scares me . 
but not here . 

i thank you for following my journey . for being excited for me and all of what none of us even know it will entail . i am so looking forward to sharing it with you while also realizing what lies ahead of me , what i am already living in and experiencing now , is far beyond communicable . 

i thank you for the grace to ebb and flow in my postings . i have no formula , no schedule , no expectation . . . 

you will get words . sometimes many and sometimes few . 
you will get pictures . sometimes captioned and sometimes not . 

as much as this year is my year , let it be yours as well . take from it what you will , relate to it as you do . as you give me grace , i give the same to you . 
ask questions if you like , participate or observe . 
when life gets busy , come and rest . 

home is so many things .
in so many ways , home is where i have come .
and here is my hope for you . . that my coming home will be a catalyst to , in some form or fashion , a coming home for you too . 

and welcome home to you . 

her little brown boy , his little blonde girl .

this . is eli .

he is in every sense of the word , my brother - minus legal technicalities which is of course , least important .
if you were to only ever spend even just point seven seconds with the two of us , you would , with wide eyes and mouth agape , agree more whole heartedly than you thought your whole heart was capable of .
the whole little brother - big sister relationship thing ?  we've got it down pat . arguably even better than any of those which meet the legal standard .

we are loud obnoxious and annoying .
we ' talk to each other ' but really just end up talking over each other and to ourselves .
we play hard and laugh hard .
we are best friends .
he drives me insane and i love him to death .
it would be common and acceptable to say that he tests my patience . but i would like to say that those that test us ? teach us . if we will allow them .
he teaches me patience . he teaches me graciousness
our favorite movie is aladdin  . . .  and we're really good at making banana bread .
he forgets to flush the toilet and i throw a fit about it .
he has , the biggest heart of anyone i know .

we also , are on the hit list of anyone that lives within at least a three mile radius of my house - i'm convinced no one actually killed us this past week because they knew their entertainment would die right along with us .
they may hate us but they also count on us .

we are a traveling show circus as we ride our bikes around the neighborhood playfully arguing , yelling to be heard , singing songs both real and made up , giggling , belly laughing , running in to each other , almost running in to each other , and trying at all costs not to make any old people mad . so we smile and nod believing that fixes everything .

i try to help keep him stay aware of his surroundings and teach him as we go . . successfully about 97% of the time . the other 3% looks a little more like this ::
he's in his state of mumbling crooked riding oblivion . i am following behind .
i notice us approaching an innocent hunched - over old man innocently getting his mail .
i whisper-yell ahead of me :: ' eli , do not scare this old man! '
eli :: ' what?! '
me :: ' don't scare this old man ! '
eli :: ' okay! '
three . . .
   two . . . .
     and with all of the sound and might of his nine - year old body :: ' ROOOOAAARRRRR!!!!! '
straight . for . the old man .
i was horrified . mortified . confounded .

' ELI ?!?!?! '
he bashfully replied with all the genuine innocence of his heart ::
' i thought you said to scare him . . . '

we turned around , introduced ourselves and apologized to bob  . . . . and roared laughing the entire way home and each retelling of the story .

the week goes on and our rides continue .
it rains and i whine about how cold i am . the rain stops and i complain about the humidity .
he detours for every ' U ' shaped driveway and rides through the grass i just got done telling him not to .
we create our own versions of the story behind where the new neighbors came from and who will occupy their home .
i am an incessant bottomless pit of questions . ones that don't allow for vague easy yes or no answers
as rightfully i could claim he tests me , he could argue the same about me .
but i won't . and he wouldn't .

aside from attempting to burn off our energy , our bike rides were also very educational .
all week i learned things and on our rides , would share what i learn and together we would practice and rehearse .
sound of music . only . . . not so graceful classy musical or coordinated .
and bible story .
here's what we learned this week ::

the bible is made up of 66 books and two testaments - the old , which has 39 books , and the new , which has 27 .
it was written over a period of about 1600 years by 40 different authors and in 3 different languages : greek , hebrew , and aramaic .
the 4 gospels are matthew , mark , luke , and john . after that comes acts .
the longest chapter of the bible is psalm 119 and the shortest verse is two words . Jesus wept . you can find it in john .
goliath was the tallest man in the bible standing at 9 1/2 feet tall . he was killed by david .
the oldest man of the bible was named methuselah and he lived to be 969 years old . his dad's name was enoch and both he , and elijah , were taken up to heaven without ever dying .

if you asked that little boy any question regarding any of those facts , he'd have the answer .
and i would like to say too , i just recounted it all from memory too .

we may be dysfunctional , but we bring out the best in each other . we teach each other . we embrace and invite each other and all of our failures , quarks , strengths , and child-likeness .
and to the untrained eye , this picture looks blurry and embarrassing but it's actually my favorite because if ever we could be actually captured , this is what we would look like .

he's my little brother . i'm his big sister .
but despite our ages , sometimes i think it's the other way around .