pillow talk

this trip has been adventure . it has been joy , laughter , and excitement . 
it has been new places and faces and incredible cups of coffee . 

i speak of it as though all of that is past tense , and while it is , it is also very much still happening and will continue to happen . 

i've lived here before , in this city with many of the same faces . 
but there is so much unknown , and even the known changes . 
i've changed . 

and if someone or something is only remnants of the same . . . is it really the same at all ? 
maybe . i don't have an answer . and maybe the answer is relevant . or irrelevant . 


so far , i have showcased the dreams and shelved the fears as far as you all are concerned but i'll let you in on a not so secret secret .


i am terrified . sometimes slightly , and other times overwhelmingly . 
typing away , i sit on my bed , hair a mess on top of my head and crocodile tears streaming down my face . 
part of me wants to run away . 
quit . change my mind . 
but it hasn't even started yet . 

i struggle with time and in betweens . i like variety but change is hard for me . 
i feel sick in every way and i am completely exhausted . 
each of the little things i am adjusting to bring me so much joy but when they're all thrown together and at me simultaneously , i am overwhelmed . 

i never want to write out of complaint or negativity but i also want to be fair , real , honest , and paint a whole picture . 
so i hope you don't walk away discouraged . 

as much as panic gets the best of me at times , and maybe at this particular time , if we don't acknowledge our emotions , we can't properly deal with them . 

i do not regret or wish to change any part of this . . . i am sick and tired . and a girl . 
i am a znachko girl . and i am me . . . which all boils down to this undeniable fact :: every emotion leads to tears . happy , sad , good , bad , indifferent . . . mix a bunch of those together and ?? get your lifeboats . danger of drowning . 

so cry , but don't forget to breathe . and with each tear clearing blink of your eyes , catch a clear ray of vision [ it's okay that your eyes are filling right back up . . . you'll blink again ] .

cumulatively , life is daunting but if you pick it apart for the little pieces that it is , it's really quite non-threatening . 

call out to Jesus . 
be at peace . 
get some sleep . 
when tomorrow comes , don't allow today to linger . 

oh and also ?? sometimes it's good to call your mom . 

what if . .

we believed God is all He said He is .
i mean like . . . every last letter of every last Word .
what if it pulsed through our bodies from the outward most point of those fly away hairs down and out through our tippiest toes .

maybe that's too much to ask . that's a lot of letters to bank on . maybe we could just hang on to doubting a few things . . .
hmm.
okay . so what if we acted like we believed He is all He says He is .

we've all had our fare share of practice at faking things , most of us are pretty good at it . we all have our areas of expertise . .

when we pray and we invite the Spirit to come , He never fails to take up the offer . He does not hesitate to take up full residence . and how much more so when we invite others to do the same on our behalves.
bull in a china shop .

i couldn't sleep last night and i won't carry on about it but sleep and i have been on rocky terms for over a decade now . sometimes it's nightmares that would put your finest horror films to shame . sometimes it's restlessness and anxieties . sometimes i have no idea what it is . and sometimes , it is deep and intimate communion with the Father .
i have a problem with keeping still for more than .2 seconds during the day so i think He takes full advantage of the opportunity . { personally i'm a fan of when He does so in dreams , meaning i get to also be sleeping - multitasking . but i'll go with sentence one and believe He knows what He's doing . }

i woke up with this convicting [ note** author did not say condemning **] whisper repeating through my mind

stop planning for ' incase I don't show up '

let it repeat itself a few times in your own head . really absorb it . a short phrase not so short on impact .

we have our things that are harder to fully surrender to God , the ones we kind of fake like we've given to Him but really our hands are want of circulation for the vice grip we continue to hold on with . ' here you go God ' . . .
we create ' plan B ' and make a fool of no one but ourselves .

there is no plan B . it's just not a thing . when plan B is put in place , plan A really just goes out the window .
He goes out the window and we rob ourselves of His power in our lives .

we act out of our expectations . and our expectations are born out of our beliefs .
( i wasn't meaning to make a reference but , this actually goes hand in hand with a podcast i listened to the other day by Russ Snyder )

The Lord is working very diligently in my life in specific areas . He is a God of detail and i am feeling extremely vulnerable , exposed , and were He anyone but Himself , i would be claiming all sorts of violation . [ john 15 : 2 ] but this is a blog , not a novel and most definitely not a double digits book long series
but .

here was my challenge , and i share it with you ::

trust me , greater than you fear your fears . 
face them . choose me .
jump . I have already caught you . 
I have healed you many times before , watch , I want to do it again . 
let me show off for you . 

no back up plans , no ' just in cases ' 
one day . give me one day just you and Me . 
risk expecting that I'll show up . . risk believing that I'm already there . 

I dare you . 

You'll be glad you did and forget what you ever even feared . 

worship whimsy & wild .

people have , often in my life , told me that i am brave .

i have always , for the most part quietly , disagreed .

" i'm only brave because i have to be "

name that movie ? anyone ? caroline ? that's my sister . . we play this game a lot. for future reference ? mulan is usually a pretty safe bet . . i would , of course , start with an exception .

it's the lion king . pretend you knew , even if you didn't .

anyways .

i've been faced with plenty of reason to be forcedly brave , although , i suppose i didn't have to be but they are those kinds of situations where the option isn't really an option , you know ?

to be brutally honest , i think that sometimes - most of the time - every time ? - feigning bravery sounded worse than fear and i believed i deserved the worst , so bravery it was .

as there are exceptions with the movie game , there are a select few instances i'll take the silver star . . it is silver . gallant . i googled it .

i've always been a sucker for the comparison game though so on second thought , (or are we at third . . fifth . . seventh ?) , if you were to hold the "actually" brave up against the "faking it" brave . . they wouldn't seem too consequential in my opinion and would lose all their merit . disqualified . back to square one .

can you tell i carry an impressively dominant indecissive gene ? i was born without any dna for balance . . and a few other things . . so Indecisive was kind enough to spread itself out and make itself comfortable to make up for what was missing .

my mom also says i'm an introvert . . an 'outgoing introvert' . . but i have this theory . i think my brother would agree that i'm actually (at least) 2 different people . . but not in the clinically diagnosable sense . . my external self is an introvert . all up inside of me though ? extrovert . all the way . we're in our first post and it's already ringing true to you too . . i am an extremely internal extrovert all bound and wound up within my own self .  the 'outgoing introvert' is where the two intermingle .

nailed it . it's exhausting .

i'm exhausting . i'm aware .

bare with me .

it's fine .

anyways (did i already say that once ? wrap it up here girlfriend . . okay. yes. we've got this . . did i just say 'we?!')

the point is.  i am about to brave . because i want to be . and because i'm worth it .

it turns out that all of those times i 'punished' myself faking it ? when the choices were

' 1. take my own life or

2. suffer through it at the hands of others . . choose the most miserable option . ' and i was convinced that option was 2 ??

i was wrong . so very . very . wrong .

if there were stars for hating yourself , i would have earned them all .

it turns out 1. would have been the worst option all along .

if you're one of those who have a hard time admitting your wrong , try that one on for size . (but don't actually , just take my word for it) it becomes a whole lot easier to admit you're wrong when you realize being right would have left you dead about 97 times over .

the point is , i have not been brave . i have been afraid but all along there has been Someone loving me greater than i hated myself and my fear of other people .

He has not let me ruin my own life. i tried . i got tired of it .

He can sustain Himself much longer than i can so rather than resist Him i started going with Him .

i'm headed into an adventure and i'd like you to come with me .

in two weeks i will be packing up my car , loading up a uhaul , and headed to waco , texas to attend Antioch Community Church Discipleship School .

i have hopes and dreams , visions and promises covering the next year . i have spent far too much of my life in hiding , enslaved to one of secrecy and lies , but i've come to the light and found The One whom my Soul loves ( Sol. 3:4 ) and His glory begs , even demands , to be seen .

this is my year . this is Our year .

a beginning that has no end .

this is life .

it is worship . .

    it is whimsy . .

         
        and it is wild .