not so empty spaces .

how is it that classes only just began today ??  not to say in the least , that nothing has been happening in the mean time . if there is ever a gap in time you haven't heard from me , you may safely assume the reasons are in direct opposition to any thoughts you may have on the side of . .
i wonder if she's stopped writing / posting ?
hmm . . i guess nothing is happening right now . . 

i do whole heartedly appreciate and relish in your missing me , not to say that that is any drive behind the absences either but when a few of you starting popping up here and there wondering what's new , how i am doing , or anything of the like , it is something of a reminder of purpose . part of the why behind sharing this with you in the first place .

i envision it is something of an intricately woven masterpiece of abstract inspiration , color , faces , feelings , hopes , dreams , scars , giddiness filling voids of emptiness , and glory like a torrent washing over every broken place . . . how could i possibly keep it in ? why would i ever dare to try ?

i've said before , and i'll say it again . . i want to hear from you . this is just as much yours as it is mine . i'm learning to use my voice and am inviting you to do the same .
i'm trusting you . . . and asking you to trust me .

so those ' empty ' spaces between posts ? are in fact not empty at all .
they are the lingering of moments . the movement of The Lord in inexpressible ways and just as you wait in anticipation to receive the words , i wait in anticipation to share them .

when all seems quiet here , rest assured it is anything but . this year is my commitment to staying in every moment The Lord takes me in to . . however long , heavy , joyful or whatever paradoxical combination of the two may arise .

embrace the moments with me . claim them as your own . maybe i am wrestling and you need to rest . . . maybe it's the other way around . or maybe it's both .

all around us we observe a pregnant creation . the difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs . but it's not only around us ; it's within us . The Spirit of God is arousing us within . we're also feeling the birth pangs . these sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance . that is why waiting does not diminish us any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother . we are enlarged in the waiting . we , of course , don't see what is enlarging us but the longer we wait the longer we become , and the more joyful our expectancy . 
[[ romans 8 : 22 - 25 ]]

words penned by Paul some thousands of years and yet here i am today feeling the entirety of weight in every single one . 

indeed the Scriptures are alive , perhaps even more so every day .

and like Saul met on the road with his donkey to Damascus , The Lord finds me and meets me on little back roads in Clifton , Texas with horses and cows whispering , 

I see you Darling , I have brought you here , I will bring you out and I am forever with you in every moment of the in between . 
you will see where I was then . you will feel Me with you now and you will rise in the assurance that I am with you into the heights and depths of the forever more . 

discipline and a little holy rebellion .

since being in waco , it's become a thing to make my bed and pick up my room every morning . i enjoy it . it brings a sense of peace in both how i personally feel but also the feel of my room . it's not chaotic to look at so it isn't chaotic to walk in to or be around . and at night , when the day is done it is a warm and welcoming invitation to pull back the covers , gather my stuffed animals , re-place my pillow , crawl in to and be safely swept away in sleep . all of that to lead up to and say , this morning i was met with a delightful release from The Lord to take the day off and to rest . i see Him with a smile on His face and hear Him whisper with a twinkle in His eye , ' hey baby , don't worry about making your bed today . . . if you find yourself wanting to pick up the floor sometime later this afternoon , great . but only if you want to ;) '

it's like getting flowers from your boyfriend . . . but also not at all because it's that much better . 

and i smile to think it started with obedience , discipline , and good stewardship . 

there's that ' discipline ' word again . . . see ?! it's really not so bad !
without it , this mornings invitation would have had no means by which to exist . 

domineering and legalistic . . . . it just isn't who He is .

Jesus drinks cappuccinos .

i know most of you are anxiously waiting , with anticipatory laughter , for the story on my running out of gas on a 35 mile farm to market road in Crockett , Texas .  [ for those of you who don't follow me on social media . . . that happened ] the full story is coming , i promise .

i'm not yet in waco and i hesitate to say that my trip is almost ' done ' . it is true that the driving portion is almost done , once i do arrive in waco it will only be the very beginning of all that lies ahead of me . i have barely scratched the surface of this adventure and there is already so much i would love to share with you but for now , i sit nestled up in a cozy bed in the of home of my brother , sister - in - law , and sweet niece , rose jubilee and it seems only fitting as i rest here for the next several days , the stories filled with busyness be put on hold and i leave with you instead , this short , sweet , intimate vulnerability .
so for the next few moments , i invite you back to yesterday . to stand over my shoulder at Mylo Coffee Co . in Little Rock , Arkansas sipping an almond milk honey cappuccino with Jesus ; to read as i write listening as He speaks  :::: 

i think i could drive the country forever . 
intentionally of course . . 
my time has been rich and weightless . satisfying and fulfilling .
friends . conversations . myself . Jesus .
coffee shops . mountains . detours . adventure . 

free . 

**psalm 48 . 

i've been living in a world where air seems scarce and for the first time in a long time my lungs are rich with breathe . they are in no want and fear no lack of air . 
i am saturated with life around me ; awestruck by grace ; held captivated by love .
i believe in the life around me and am ignited by hope . 
i feel my heart dreaming but nothing my mind can begin to define , quantify , or contain . 

wonder . splendor . majesty . enchantment and charm . . . the true kind . the pure kind . the kind that grows . 
birth and rebirth .
life and more life . 

this. is the taste of eternity ; the soul set on fire .

**as is your name O God , so is Your praise to the ends of the earth . 

collecting seasons

i used to hate when people talked about ' seasons ' of life .
' i'm just in this season of ______ '
oh please .

it seemed to me to be a cop-out , go-to , cliche , easy christian answer to whatever was currently going on in the life of whoever's mouth the phrase was coming out of . 

see , when i heard the phrase , i heard :: 
' i hate my life right now , it's really hard and none of it makes any sense . i have no idea what God is doing and i'm kind of mad at Him for whatever it is . but watch this thing i can do , i'm going to whip out this phrase and it's going to be like this bandaid i slap over it all and pretend i'm this saintly soul that gets God and am totally cool with whatever it is He wants to do , however He wants to do it , and however long He wants to do it for .
basically , God makes no sense but with this phrase , I will pretend that He does and though no one else understands Him , I actually do . and so , i am in this season of _______  . '

spare me , i don't buy it . 

well , you might be surprised to hear i was a little bitter , hurt , jaded , and really every other synonym that would fit to follow . that whole schpeel that i interpreted from a few simple words ? in reality wasn't what they were implying at all . it was however , everything i was feeling about my own life . ( surprise. ) 
frustrated . stuck . manipulated . controlled . used . 
a doll being pulled and thrown wherever , played with however whomever might choose . 

yet through The Father by His grace , resilience , perseverance , might , and tenderness i have learned to embrace every season , for all that they are in their temporary passings by :: intentional , necessary , purposed , and so much more . 
and they are simply seasons .
they begin and they end and as we whether them , we collect them . 

i have also learned that we will never be brought into our next season if we have not acknowledged and given ourselves fully to the one that we are presently in . 

sometimes the transition is subtle and slow while other times it it is blatant and abrupt .

today i cross a very clear boundary out of my current season and in to the next that awaits me , anticipating my arrival . excited in all of it's glory , solely for me .

' i am lost , but not alone . '

i often feel lost , which tends to lead to feeling alone , but every time i approach the end of a season , it becomes so apparent to me that that was never the case at all and i am freshly reminded , that it never will be ( despite how quickly i will forget this truth , yet again . )

i want to thank those who have loved me in this season in too many ways to adequately communicate and thoroughly recall .

some are meant for a solitary season and some we carry with us from one to the next and my heart is full with those that fit the latter scenario . those that have loved me in all of my forms , in all of my extremes , and who will cross this boundary with me tomorrow , continuing to do the same .  

i also want to thank you for inviting me in to do the same for you . 
location and distance , though helpful are disposable . 
souls are uncontainable . 

when you think of someone , let them know . 
when you see something good in someone , call it out . 
pursue and know that you are worth pursuing . 
speak graciously and share your voice on behalf of the voiceless . 

celebrates the lives around you . submit yourself to be teachable and to live humble . live your life to leave a legacy , one that invites those around you to share it and carry it on . 

http://www.duckanddressing.com

i pray , as was said of the disciples , the world would say of me , 
she has been with Jesus . [ acts 4 : 13 ]

craving to be seen .

i've always been a girl for simple things . sure i enjoy the occasional extravagance , but when it comes down to it , i prefer things in their simplest state - raw . pure . natural .

which is why it still works that glitter is my favorite color - glitter , in it's simplest form , is still glitter ;)

the days remaining before i move are down to single digits and as i think about packing , i continue to get more and more excited ; the list of reasons quickly expanding . 

road trips. i love road trips . i've done a handful in my life and people think i'm crazy for doing them ' alone ' . 

i have this secret though and my family will understand . . . i'm actually not going alone at all . i'm going with me ! and with all my heart , there is no one else i would rather have for company . 

my dad told me last night that people tune me out for survival . save your sighs and gasps . it's actually anything but offensive , really . as twisted as it may be - i take it as a compliment . 

we live life most closely with ourselves and of anybody that i could have gotten stuck with , i cringe to think that it might have been anyone but me . 

perhaps i'm building my case upholding the ' his statement is not offensive ' claim , and if not , keep following the blog , you'll understand in time ;)

i'm rambling . 

excitement . . . 

my mind has begun to fill my suitcases and while i am excited for what i'll be bringing with me , i'm excited about everything that i'm not taking with me .

as long as i have my ::

1 . bed . 

2 . stuffed animal bunny i've slept with since the day i was born .

3 . books , journals , stamps and stationary 

( okay i also hope i remember my prenatal gummies - they help my hair grow . i swear by them . right after the Bible )

everything else ? insignificant minor details .

i am excited for a simple wardrobe , a room lacking for all the extra clutter and decor .

i'll hit the road just me , Delilah ( my car ) , and Brenda ( i already named my reserved uhaul ) .

the seventeen or so hours are not wasted time and empty space . they are a journey , an adventure inside of , and leading to , an even greater one . 

as i pass through time and space , growing closer to there than here , i envision layers of myself being stripped away - all the extra , all the clutter , all the weights and burdens - ones i can name and ones i don't . 

i see myself arriving bare . raw . ready . 

vulnerability is typically a terrifying thing . . but you know what ? ? i have never been so ready , so wanting , so hungry to be exposed . 

all of my life , i've had this insatiable craving to be hidden 

and all of the sudden , there's this thrill inside of me restless and bursting to be seen . 

for everything there is a season , a time for every activity under the sun [ ecclesiastes 3 : 1 ]

this is my season 

what if . .

we believed God is all He said He is .
i mean like . . . every last letter of every last Word .
what if it pulsed through our bodies from the outward most point of those fly away hairs down and out through our tippiest toes .

maybe that's too much to ask . that's a lot of letters to bank on . maybe we could just hang on to doubting a few things . . .
hmm.
okay . so what if we acted like we believed He is all He says He is .

we've all had our fare share of practice at faking things , most of us are pretty good at it . we all have our areas of expertise . .

when we pray and we invite the Spirit to come , He never fails to take up the offer . He does not hesitate to take up full residence . and how much more so when we invite others to do the same on our behalves.
bull in a china shop .

i couldn't sleep last night and i won't carry on about it but sleep and i have been on rocky terms for over a decade now . sometimes it's nightmares that would put your finest horror films to shame . sometimes it's restlessness and anxieties . sometimes i have no idea what it is . and sometimes , it is deep and intimate communion with the Father .
i have a problem with keeping still for more than .2 seconds during the day so i think He takes full advantage of the opportunity . { personally i'm a fan of when He does so in dreams , meaning i get to also be sleeping - multitasking . but i'll go with sentence one and believe He knows what He's doing . }

i woke up with this convicting [ note** author did not say condemning **] whisper repeating through my mind

stop planning for ' incase I don't show up '

let it repeat itself a few times in your own head . really absorb it . a short phrase not so short on impact .

we have our things that are harder to fully surrender to God , the ones we kind of fake like we've given to Him but really our hands are want of circulation for the vice grip we continue to hold on with . ' here you go God ' . . .
we create ' plan B ' and make a fool of no one but ourselves .

there is no plan B . it's just not a thing . when plan B is put in place , plan A really just goes out the window .
He goes out the window and we rob ourselves of His power in our lives .

we act out of our expectations . and our expectations are born out of our beliefs .
( i wasn't meaning to make a reference but , this actually goes hand in hand with a podcast i listened to the other day by Russ Snyder )

The Lord is working very diligently in my life in specific areas . He is a God of detail and i am feeling extremely vulnerable , exposed , and were He anyone but Himself , i would be claiming all sorts of violation . [ john 15 : 2 ] but this is a blog , not a novel and most definitely not a double digits book long series
but .

here was my challenge , and i share it with you ::

trust me , greater than you fear your fears . 
face them . choose me .
jump . I have already caught you . 
I have healed you many times before , watch , I want to do it again . 
let me show off for you . 

no back up plans , no ' just in cases ' 
one day . give me one day just you and Me . 
risk expecting that I'll show up . . risk believing that I'm already there . 

I dare you . 

You'll be glad you did and forget what you ever even feared . 

this is whimsy .

saving money is a great thing . but just as spending can become an issue , so can how tightly we hold on to that saved money . . . which tends to be the side of the issue i find myself on .

and so . sometimes you're walking out of class at pure barre no different than any other day until . . simultaneously as your foot crosses from the carpet studio floor to the wood of the lobby your eyes catch a glimpse in their peripheal vision and your heart thinks 

wait , is that ?! . . . are those ?! . . . 

oh.

good.

grief.

they aree.

pink and grey alo leggings. 

you have to.

you can't.

and then your friends tell you have to and you tell them you can't . 

i'm not saying this should be the thought process for every purchase but then something else piped in . . .

they match your blog . 

i do not believe in a stingy God in fact He is the complete opposite . He is lavish and He loves to love us . He spoils us through His Spirit and sometimes , as i learn to and practice trusting Him with my money sometimes He shows up out of the blue and says , 

doll . the moneys Mine to begin with and that $xx ?? you're only saving it because you think there just might come a time you need that exact amount of cash and I won't show up and well . i like to prove you wrong . 

let Me buy you one of your favorite things . . they match your blog ;)

and please . . try to enjoy them . [ this was dripping with sarcasm as the leggings were already my new favorite possession before they ever even ran my credit card . ]

this . is whimsy .

tank : http://lilyandsparrowboutique.com
leggings : http://www.aloyoga.com 

hitch and Jesus .

' this right here is what makes falling in love so hard ' love doctor Hitch . [[ edited for reader appreciation ]]

further edit . . . ' what makes love so hard '

what if loving someone , not just in a couple relationship but the context of any relationship , is so hard because we've got love all wrong ??

in my humble opinion this is actually not really an if question or a question at all . what i mean by what if is . . .

this is why love is so hard .
we don't have a gosh darn clue what love is and we're going about all the wrong ways to figure it out . we don't even need to figure it out . it's been laid out for us . it's been lived for us .

we've robbed love of what it is and made it shallow .
we've made it insignificant .
we've made it meaningless .
we've made it disposable because we want it to be easy .

but what ' we've made it ' doesn't change what it actually is , as much as we would like to think and make believe other wise .

a couple of weeks ago , before my blog was up , i wrote a post about forgiveness - or lack there of - in my own life  [[ you can find it here . .  it will also help the picture make sense ]] .

as with anything , The Lord asks us to do our part that we by doing so may allow Him to do His . He is omnipotent but He will never force His power on us against our will and our obedience is not a burden to offer but the acceptance of an invitation into deeper intimacy and freedom ; to have heavy weight lifted off of our shoulders and fresh air breathed into our lungs . i am learning and living it every day . so many instances of needing to forgive where i've chosen to say it while doubting my heart on believing if i meant it .

my part was to say it . His part was to move in me to mean it . to teach me what saying it meant . i didn't think i meant it , because i didn't feel it .
but forgiveness isn't a feeling .
likewise , either is love .


think about it .

what did both love and forgiveness feel like to Jesus ?
it felt like being beaten and broken left bleeding and dying as He hung by ripping flesh penetrated with nails ; skin grating against harsh and splintered wood .

yet He chose . 

The Word tells us that our sin grieves Him .
we have the capacity to break His heart , we betray Him , reject Him , and we do it repeatedly .

and yet . . He chose.

to love a person is not to love their actions , their choices , their words , or their grievances against us . it is not to enter in to relationship with every one of them or feel rainbows and butterflies, leaping for joy at the sight or thought of them .

it is to validate the pain they caused , healthily protect ourselves from future offenses from them , all the while seeing them as Jesus sees you ::

valuable .
worthy .
cherished .
irreplaceable .
His .
on purpose .
with purpose .
redeemable .
forgiven .

you see i think we look at the people we don't like or who have hurt us like they suddenly are in our possession . they hurt us and so we suddenly have this special connection and association to them with our hurt and our pain . suddenly we dont' need Jesus in that relationship anymore. they hurt us and so He becomes [ albeit subconciously . .  ] irrelevant .
forgiveness . . love . . becomes about them and about us .

but it's not about that at all .
i think of who i need to love and forgive . i see their face , feel what i feel , and stop there .

wrong .

i need to practice thinking of who i need to love and forgive . look up to Jesus and see His face ; look into His eyes and surrender .
it is there that than by experiencing first hand all over again real love my perspective changes and my heart is softened .

it is there that what consumes me is made right again . .

or rather , Who .

getting grateful .

to be honest , i was having a rough day yesterday and when i have those days there typically comes the point that i become frustrated with myself exasperatedly thinking ,  ' what ?! is wrong with me ?! ' 

the question was to myself as much as it was to Him .

i stopped for a minute . i grabbed my phone and headphones . i needed to take a walk . 

' i'll go listen to a podcast . . . no i don't want to listen to a podcast . '

strike one . 

' okay . . i'll take my book . . . no , i don't want to do that either . '

strike two . 

' i just really need to listen to worship . '

ding ! ding ! ding !

shoes tied , i headed down the driveway . i am abundantly blessed by the yard i get to look at everyday and the eyes in my head that are able to see it . 

i like to think of it as my secret and/or fairy garden . there are a couple of spots in particular that are especially fairy-garden-esque .

one being the creek that flows through the front yard . 

i paused on the bridge , leaned over to watch the fish , then closed my eyes and took a breathe . 

Jesus . . . [[ ' breathe ' meaning a deep inhale with more of a whimpering plea than a true exhale ]] . 

gratitude . i needed to get to a place of gratitude . 

worship playing (( and eyes open )) , i set off looking at a screen of a new , very blank note on my phone . 

my list began slow and reluctant . pitiful really . but i had been given an invitation and decided to take it and in-so doing , offering an invitation was returned .  His acceptance was not so hesitant . a song began . . . 

pink .

legs to walk with You . 

extensions . 

things to be thankful for . 

grace for the infinitely overwhelming amount and magnitude of things around me to be thankful for and yet , i start with ' pink ' . 

not living downtown so i can more clearly see the sky . 

new beginnings . the purpose in the process of being patient for their arrival and the faith to choose to believe it's there . 

learning to laugh at myself . 

giggling with You . 

redemption . 

lifted burdens and unbound bondage . 

provision . 

You are bigger . . than me . than it . than them .  

victory . 

Your Spirit , making You undeniably real . 

creativity . mine and others . 

Your patience and Your persistence with me. 

Your intimacy with me . 

Your promise of and character to never withhold Yourself from me .

drawing me when i reject You . time and time again . 

choosing me . 

stillness in the midst of chaos . 

Your immovability . 

that in the joy and in the pain , You are here . holding me . surrounding me on all sides . 

that with You , I have ' exceedingly abundantly ' all I ever need . 

[[ ephesians 3:20 ]]

comfort . the comfort of Yourself and the tangible blessings You move through . 

You welcome my honesty . You care ,fully and tenderly about and for ,  my broken breaking heart . 

You seek me . initiate with me . miss me when I'm not around and invite me in . 

You don't dispose , You hold . 

You don't patch , You heal .

You deal with me deeply and completely . 

You do not let me hide . 

You reveal my fears as the lies that they are rather than the protection i am deceived to see them as . 

You say I'm important , on purpose , with purpose , and Your Word is true , final , and forever .

Your Word*s* when i cannot form my own . 

that You are worship .

You are whimsy . 

and You are wild . 

you see , i was asking the wrong question and going about it completely the wrong way . 

a . there wasn't anything wrong with me . not in the condenming way my mind was shouting the question. & . whatever was wrong , wasn't mine to ' fix ' .

b. i didn't need someone else in my ear or words on a page telling me about Jesus . i needed Jesus . 

i didn't come back from my walk skipping , happy and ' all better ' . none of the reality of what i was feeling went away , but now it wasn't the focus . 

i had left defeated but i came back certain .

[[ The Lord your God among you is powerful - he will save and he will take joyful delight in you . In his love he will renew you with his love ; he will celebrate with singing because of you . 

 zephaniah 3 : 17 ]]

speechless .

i believe with all my heart that The Lord is a romantic . it is not only what He says of Himself but also the reality i live with Him every day .  admittedly , there are days in which i fail to see the romance , but His grace and mercy , unbound by time , are ceaselessly faithful to eventually unveil my blinded eyes , overwhelming my heart and flooding me all the more .

i never didn't want to go to waco . i had actually been accepted into the school back in april but for the time being , disappointedly , i had turned it down . i didn't understand . i had applied several months in advance with confidence and what i believed to be confirmation to do so .   with the press of the ' submit ' button my wild imagination , paired with a cavernous time of waiting , took up quick residence and my dreams ran away with me .

i had plans .
big ones .
grandiose ones . . .[[ i have a theory about this later . hold on to this unfinished thought . ]]

fast forward . 

the call hadn't come yet but there was a sinking , unsettled feeling in my heart .
i wasn't going to waco . that confidence and confirmation had come up with a different conclusion ; an ending i wasn't so excited about but the one that came with peace .

the call came . obedience isn't always easy and or pain free . i turned it down leaving my application filed as ' no ' with an open invitation to be refiled as otherwise . [[ part two of soon to be mentioned theory . hold on to this one too ]]

when i am presented with my ' next steps options ' i worry and weigh and improvise the outcome of each situation . i am not a logistics person but i try to think through them . i fantasize myself in each scenario [ undoubtedly completely unrealistically ] and after all of this hard work , typically , come up with nothing . . besides more exasperation than i began with .

i've boiled it down to one question and am practicing coming to it more quickly , side stepping above mentioned exasperation . the question is this ::

which requires more faith . . in this case . . to stay or to go ??

in april , it was blatantly to stay .

fast forward . 

i , not so coincidentally , ended up at a prayer and worship night at a church an hour away that i had never been to . the service started , the Holy Spirit was invited , and oh did He move . i lost myself in Him , walking out of that place ninety minutes later in somewhat of a daze ; a fog ; it was as if i had come down from the clouds . i have yet to come up with an adequate description of what it was i was feeling but it was disorienting . it doesn't matter what it felt like though because i knew what it was . it was Him . His Presence .

He had found me and enveloped me as i sat alone among strangers in the most inconspicuous of places , where moments before i had sat in the parking lot debating whether or not to go in .

i journaled . i cried . i laughed . i sat still . i soaked it in and on the drive home i celebrated .

i was going to waco .

now , i know i'm not the only one thinking The Lord is looking a bit bipolar and indecisive right now . cue the soon to follow meltdown of  ' what am i doing?! i don't hear the lord (( how's that for discouragement and the pit of despair )) ?!  He's not supposed to change His mind ?! i don't deserve to go to waco ?! ' 

and the ever faithful inevitable finale of . . .
' IM GOING TO DIE '

baby fast forward.

a . i hear The Lord (( and so do you for that matter ))
b . He does not change His mind or contradict Himself .
c . deserve?  revisit grace . . moot point .  &
d . i'm obviously still alive so we won't even worry about addressing that one . . leave a comment if you have any questions there .


i think we can all agree that it is very obvious He is not the bipolar indecisive one and that those two qualities blatantly belong to me .

i was always going to waco .
[[ pause . go grab those two unfinished thoughts i left you with before ]]
this whole process was about exactly that . . the process . the journey . those grandiose dreams ? they had taken His hands off of the plan and went to work replacing them my own messy finger prints .
My Father loves to dream . He loves to dream even more than i do and is capable of even bigger ones than my imagination could ever even dare  . in His dreaming , He created me , and invited me along to do it with Him .
i got ahead of myself and started doing it without Him . what does that do ? it leaves Him out consequently shrinking and limiting my dreams which is unsatisfying to Him .
that romance ? i could have argued with you kicking , screaming , moping , and crying , that it just wasn't there the day i turned my acceptance down .
thankfully i didn't because that brings us to the ' eventually ' . the eventually is not on His part but mine , the grace is that He willingly sticks out the ' eventually ' anticipating that ' ohhhhhhhhh , thaat's what You were doing . ' moment with all the rosiness of my cheeks as they sheepishly blush in the humbling reappointing Him to the throne and getting my butt off of it .

I took waco from Him and all He wanted to do was give it to me . He wanted to give me a gift in all of it's fullness , in all of His glory , in all of His love .
He never changed His mind , but there was more going on than the decision of whether or not to go to Waco .
it wasn't right or wrong .
it wasn't life or death .

it was , every step of the way , every piece of the puzzle , every unfinished thought and moment of feeling forgotten , for the sake of sweeping me off my feet .

it is now those moments that felt forsaken that i look back and know i was ' most ' intimately and vulnerably seen .
provided for .
carried .
held .

this adventure is now the invitation it was always meant to be ,

 come away with me . . [ mark 6:31 ]

let me show you just how big i love you . 

He loves to see me speechless ,

and Lord knows He's the only one capable of getting me that way .

worship whimsy & wild .

people have , often in my life , told me that i am brave .

i have always , for the most part quietly , disagreed .

" i'm only brave because i have to be "

name that movie ? anyone ? caroline ? that's my sister . . we play this game a lot. for future reference ? mulan is usually a pretty safe bet . . i would , of course , start with an exception .

it's the lion king . pretend you knew , even if you didn't .

anyways .

i've been faced with plenty of reason to be forcedly brave , although , i suppose i didn't have to be but they are those kinds of situations where the option isn't really an option , you know ?

to be brutally honest , i think that sometimes - most of the time - every time ? - feigning bravery sounded worse than fear and i believed i deserved the worst , so bravery it was .

as there are exceptions with the movie game , there are a select few instances i'll take the silver star . . it is silver . gallant . i googled it .

i've always been a sucker for the comparison game though so on second thought , (or are we at third . . fifth . . seventh ?) , if you were to hold the "actually" brave up against the "faking it" brave . . they wouldn't seem too consequential in my opinion and would lose all their merit . disqualified . back to square one .

can you tell i carry an impressively dominant indecissive gene ? i was born without any dna for balance . . and a few other things . . so Indecisive was kind enough to spread itself out and make itself comfortable to make up for what was missing .

my mom also says i'm an introvert . . an 'outgoing introvert' . . but i have this theory . i think my brother would agree that i'm actually (at least) 2 different people . . but not in the clinically diagnosable sense . . my external self is an introvert . all up inside of me though ? extrovert . all the way . we're in our first post and it's already ringing true to you too . . i am an extremely internal extrovert all bound and wound up within my own self .  the 'outgoing introvert' is where the two intermingle .

nailed it . it's exhausting .

i'm exhausting . i'm aware .

bare with me .

it's fine .

anyways (did i already say that once ? wrap it up here girlfriend . . okay. yes. we've got this . . did i just say 'we?!')

the point is.  i am about to brave . because i want to be . and because i'm worth it .

it turns out that all of those times i 'punished' myself faking it ? when the choices were

' 1. take my own life or

2. suffer through it at the hands of others . . choose the most miserable option . ' and i was convinced that option was 2 ??

i was wrong . so very . very . wrong .

if there were stars for hating yourself , i would have earned them all .

it turns out 1. would have been the worst option all along .

if you're one of those who have a hard time admitting your wrong , try that one on for size . (but don't actually , just take my word for it) it becomes a whole lot easier to admit you're wrong when you realize being right would have left you dead about 97 times over .

the point is , i have not been brave . i have been afraid but all along there has been Someone loving me greater than i hated myself and my fear of other people .

He has not let me ruin my own life. i tried . i got tired of it .

He can sustain Himself much longer than i can so rather than resist Him i started going with Him .

i'm headed into an adventure and i'd like you to come with me .

in two weeks i will be packing up my car , loading up a uhaul , and headed to waco , texas to attend Antioch Community Church Discipleship School .

i have hopes and dreams , visions and promises covering the next year . i have spent far too much of my life in hiding , enslaved to one of secrecy and lies , but i've come to the light and found The One whom my Soul loves ( Sol. 3:4 ) and His glory begs , even demands , to be seen .

this is my year . this is Our year .

a beginning that has no end .

this is life .

it is worship . .

    it is whimsy . .

         
        and it is wild .