people have ,
often in my life , told me that i am brave .
i have always ,
for the most part quietly , disagreed .
" i'm only brave because i have to
be "
name that movie
? anyone ? caroline ? that's my
sister . . we play this game a lot. for future reference ? mulan is usually a
pretty safe bet . . i would , of course , start with an exception .
it's the lion
king . pretend you knew , even if you didn't .
anyways .
i've been faced
with plenty of reason to be forcedly brave , although , i suppose i didn't have to be but they are those kinds of
situations where the option isn't really an option , you know ?
to be brutally
honest , i think that sometimes - most of the time - every time ? - feigning
bravery sounded worse than fear and i believed i deserved the worst , so
bravery it was .
as there are
exceptions with the movie game , there are a select few instances i'll take the
silver star . . it is silver . gallant . i googled it .
i've always
been a sucker for the comparison game though so on second thought , (or are we
at third . . fifth . . seventh ?) , if you were to hold the
"actually" brave up against the "faking it" brave . . they
wouldn't seem too consequential in my opinion and would lose all their merit .
disqualified . back to square one .
can you tell i
carry an impressively dominant indecissive gene ? i was born without any dna
for balance . . and a few other things . . so Indecisive was kind enough to
spread itself out and make itself comfortable to make up for what was missing .
my mom also
says i'm an introvert . . an 'outgoing introvert' . . but i have this theory .
i think my brother would agree that i'm actually (at least) 2 different people
. . but not in the clinically diagnosable sense . . my external self is an
introvert . all up inside of me though ? extrovert . all the way . we're in our
first post and it's already ringing true to you too . . i am an extremely
internal extrovert all bound and wound up within my own self . the 'outgoing introvert' is where the
two intermingle .
nailed it .
it's exhausting .
i'm exhausting
. i'm aware .
bare with me .
it's fine .
anyways (did i
already say that once ? wrap it up here girlfriend . . okay. yes. we've got
this . . did i just say 'we?!')
the point
is. i am about to brave . because
i want to be . and because i'm worth it .
it turns out
that all of those times i 'punished' myself faking it ? when the choices were
' 1. take my
own life or
2. suffer
through it at the hands of others . . choose the most miserable option . ' and
i was convinced that option was 2 ??
i was wrong .
so very . very . wrong .
if there were
stars for hating yourself , i would have earned them all .
it turns out 1.
would have been the worst option all along .
if you're one
of those who have a hard time admitting your wrong , try that one on for size .
(but don't actually , just take my word for it) it becomes a whole lot easier to
admit you're wrong when you realize being right would have left you dead about
97 times over .
the point is ,
i have not been brave . i have been afraid but all along there has been Someone
loving me greater than i hated myself and my fear of other people .
He has not let
me ruin my own life. i tried . i got tired of it .
He can sustain Himself
much longer than i can so rather than resist Him i started going with Him .
i'm headed into
an adventure and i'd like you to come with me .
in two weeks i
will be packing up my car , loading up a uhaul , and headed to waco , texas to
attend Antioch Community Church Discipleship School .
i have hopes
and dreams , visions and promises covering the next year . i have spent far too
much of my life in hiding , enslaved to one of secrecy and lies , but i've come
to the light and found The One whom my Soul loves ( Sol. 3:4 ) and His glory begs , even demands , to be seen
.
this is my year
. this is Our year .
a beginning
that has no end .
this is life .
it is worship . .
it is whimsy . .
and it is wild .
