unpoetic beauty .

as we well know , i am a writer . i love to write . i love words . i love paper . i love black pens and sharpies . 

sometimes it's relaxed , pretty , and graceful . 
sometimes it's messy , rushed , and desperate . 

i think it's those times that it is most important to write but also those times i am intimidated to so . not of Him , but of me . 

sometimes our hearts are poetic , a lot of times they are not . 

truthfully actually , i would venture to say they - or mine anyway - is always very much both . 

but the poetic is much easier to let out . it looks so much nicer . it feels 'right' .

but there is no wrong . 
but frustrated , anxious , scarred , annoyed , angry , hurt heart is not bad . 
it never has been and it never will be . 

so right now ? i have a lot in me that is not very poetic . pains that date back for years . some over a decade . 

they are real . 
and it is okay . 

lord , i have tried everything . 

and there in lies the flaw . 

he has not , is not , and will not ever withhold from me but He will not allow me to take from Him or create on my own anything that was always intended as His to be given as a gift . 

so ?? i give up . i quit trying and i am believing . 

i want the gift . i want the giver . but what a double standard to want all of Him if i will not be honest with all of me . 

i'm bringing Him my unpoetic heart and believing for breakthrough on the other side . and i am seeking breakthrough in Truth , of Jesus Himself over breakthrough for my body , my sleep , the list goes on and on . 
i want Him more than what He has , and how will we ever get what He has if we do not first have Him ? 

i want to be okay if the breakthrough doesn't come because i know He's right beside me in the frustration and the pain . 

and an unpoetic journal doesn't have to be an ugly journal . if given the same time an d attention - which it is worthy and deserving of - perhaps it can be even more beautiful .

children teaching children .

as a class this year , we are serving and loving on the children of our church . every sunday i take the stage and lead a room of fifth and sixth graders in worship . [[ oh do i have confidence to build , growth to achieve , and improvements to make but this post isn't about me ; it's about them ]] tonight , as much of our team is overseas on outreach being Jesus to Syrian refugees , i had the privilege of being a little more involved with the kids by helping with small groups . my soul was so encouraged , so fed , so stirred as i listened to these precious girls discuss the story of the Israelites exiled in the wilderness after being led out of slavery in egypt . i sat amazed by their questions and their insight . these girls had the hunger and the bravery to ask the hard questions . the ones we as adults are afraid to ask . it was an honor to sit with them and be trusted with their pure , unrestrained hunger to know God , to understand His character ; to be engaged with them as they connected with these stories as real and so much more than childhood fantasy . . . the glamorous fairy tale ones i remember . they connected with the details of the story , the attitudes of the characters , the presence of God . 

but how could they forget so easily ? if i got rescued from slavery , i would never forget . . . 

but . . God being angry , that doesn't seem right . . . 

sixth graders . voicing the questions i only recently have dared to ask . but it is in that daring the revelation comes and intimacy infuses itself in to our very beings . 

humbled . forced to ask myself the same questions . to wonder and answer in my own heart in truth that i might disciple them in truth ; to shepherd them in putting themselves in the story and apply it in regards to their own lives and in their own worlds . 
to speak in to the character of God so tainted by the world . to share with them the very things i am learning . 
receiving the healing before the wound . 
capturing truth . instilling hope . appreciating grace . 

children of God . 

let the little children come  . . . 

they call me leader , but i call them the same . 

let the children come . . . that they might teach us to be more like them . 
and may i never again take for granted the precious treasure entrusted to my care , 

oh Lord , that you would choose a broken vessel such as me ; that you would choose my not despite my brokenness but because of it . 

Daddy 's girl

Daddy , thank you for all that you are doing in me . thank you for your detail and intricacy ; that you are thorough, that you work swiftly yet gently . thank you that you kill al that is destroying me without killing . . or destroying . . me . 

and so it proves to stand you don't look at me and see as i do or anyone else does but you look at me and see the perfection of Christ , your precious little girl , your bride made white .

sheer delight shining in your eyes ; radiating from your smile .

i run to you , as many times as i find myself any distance from you . i don't make it even a single step for you are all ready there . 

i rejoice in never being apart from you . 

i bring my eyes and heart back home to you .

we dance . 

we sing . 

we play . 

love and intimacy that only grows .

lead me on , 

i want the more - not from but - of you . 

sh*** & giggles .

i'm excited to have words to share with you for the first while in a long while . believe me , there have been words. . .

 spoken and heard .

shouted , sung , and wept .

written and scribbled .

conscious and half awake . 

i don't like to . . . i can't . . . write when my own words are in the way .

here is a place the words should come soft , smooth , and natural . they should flow , one giving birth to the next .

forced words are aggressive .

you may not know the difference but i do .

desperate words are untrusted words . and that's okay .

so i wait .

and at last , once again , here we are .

today was wonderful yet as the evening drew on i grew more and more frustrated and easily upsettable which in turn , continued to make me all the more irritated at being so irritable .

who has the power to drive me more insane than any other person ? myself . hands down . not always . but on nights like tonight .

i had a post i was going to write and it's turning out a little differently but , actually both come down to the same thing .

i am frustrated . and sure the little things getting to me are annoying but i am not typically that shakeable .

i am frustrated with myself . i am frustrated at the places i don't quite let my Father fully love me yet . but do you know that even that begs the question of the bottom line ?

if i am frustrated with myself for where i am at , i am frustrated with my processes .

but the process isn't mine . if i'm frustrated with my process i am frustrated , actually , with His process .

if i am frustrated with His process , i am also impatient with it .

if i am both frustrated and impatient with His process , i am frustrated with Him .

if i am frustrated with Him , ultimately , i am not trusting Him .

if i am not trusting Him , there is , at least , one lie i am believing about Him for He is , in the essence of who He is , fully trustworthy . 

there also begs a second issue that begs to couple the first , i am looking with the wrong perspective and with the wrong perspective comes ingratitude .

if i am focused on frustration with where i am at compared to where i wish to be , i am first of all unthankful for where i am and also lacking to acknowledge where He has brought me from and how far we have come for in that , there is everything to celebrate .

how often does our worship , though true , cater to the weepiness of our spirit . we need consolation and so we pick the slow songs . the soft ones . the poetic mushy ones .

you know what i'm talking about .

i am absolutely in no was saying there is a single thing wrong with any of these . believe me , i love them . i breathe them . and they do most certainly feed a certain kind of desperation .

they do though , at the same time , leave it only partially tended .

we need the words that hold us , that breathe soft breathe back into our lungs , the truth that sweetly soothes us .

but where are the songs that get us out of bed and off of our couches ? that ones we can't help but sing and shout along ? where are the songs of celebration and declaration ? the ones you can't possibly keep your hands down . these songs are the ones that bring the character and promise of God to fullness . that remind us not only of His love but also of His faithfulness .

they remind us of His power for he is both gentle and mighty .

we don't need part of Him .
we need all of Him .

so please , i beseech you , cry to Jesus ( nobody does it better than i do ) weep with Him - for He does just that - weeps with us . for us . harder in fact , than we do .

but laugh with Him too . even when you don't feel like it . especially when you don't feel like it .

shout His name and remind your soul of what He's done for you .

you will find yourself in tears for an entirely different [ or at least now multitude of ] reasons .

oh the Lord is fun ! and He delights in what delights you . . it is He who put that delight within you !

so i've made an additional playlist . a few actually .

my cuddle worship hasn't gone anywhere but now it's right next to my declaration playlist . . . which is also next to a second new one . . it's not worship music at all . . or is it ? it's not categorized as ' christian & gospel ' but i enjoy it and it's a little bit of everything - yes , miley cyrus included . you want to know what it's called ? shits & giggles . don't look at me , He told me to call it that .

why ? because He knows me ! He loves me ! He made me ! He is a lighthearted God !

He cries harder than i do and He also laughs harder than my roommates do when i dance around singing karaoke in a towel because i got distracted on the way to the shower

' my yoke is easy and my burden is light ' matthew 11 : 30

Jesus isn't all heavy you know .

so homework . keep that consolation list .

but also make your victory one .

and then ?

yep . shits & giggles .

you can even borrow my title ;) 

yours truly .

ab

deserts like eden .

and this time her tears were from a different place , a deeper place . they seemed to have an infinite source and though they paralyzed her , this was a peaceful paralysis ; she was not afraid and let them come . 

pur tears . honest tears . 

where before the floods had been violent , ripping her open , creating gorges within her , these waters were pure ; pure in motive , cleansing her as they flowed , a mighty filling of every empty place . they did not wreck her , erode her or decay , ripping through carelessly and apathetic to their destruction ; calloused to whoever they lay to waste . 

these waters are mighty , gently , they come with vengeance but of a different kind , they do not come to ruin but to rest , filling every depth and crevice .

they come to stay , filling to the brim , claiming their territory . none can move them . none dare try . 

they settle in with an unshakeable calm , immoveable stillness and crystal clear clarity from the surface to their infinite , abounding core - none can find . 

it is a safe assurance . 

there are worlds below them , thriving within them , bursting from them and soaring above them . 

beyond recognition . all things new . 

something - everything - from nothing . 

no place off limits . endless discovery . . .

 surely goodness and faithfulness will surround her and abound within her all the days of her life .

His heart her Home . welcome child . 

Abba 

The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins ; he will make her deserts like Eden , her wastelands like the garden of the Lord .  Joy and gladness will be found in her , thanksgiving and the sound of singing . 

Isaiah 55 : 3

psalm ** : ** [ a song of annabelle ]

O Lord . 

You know where i've been , every deepest pit ;

every flickering fleeting hope.  You know because You were there , 

with me , for me .

You know my pain even more deeply than i do.  You are the giver of my joys . 

You forgive my selfishness and self pity .

You stoop down to meet me in my blind and brokenness . You sit with me 'til day break and then still , always will remain . 

in the pits of hell , body clutched , eyes locked shut as a steal trap door , 

You remain . You never never took , and never will take , Your Presence from me . 

When i refuse You , You are still there . 

When everyone else leaves me , You stay . 

stronger than any attempts to kill me , You sustain me . my very breathe . 

my very beating heart . 

my ability to see You or feel you does not change You . 

it does not shake You . 

You are the healer , and even more , You are the resurrector .

slowly , as understanding slips into the peripheral realm of my senses , i cling to the Promise ; to You , that one day and one day soon I will You fully and clearly . 

past . present . future . 

questions answered . 

doubts irrelevant . 

angels singing and demons destroyed . 

I am Yours , and You are mine . 

Jesus , hold me .  carry me out of the shadows away from the grip of death and into Your Glorious Light and Life . 

grip my wavering heart in Your unshakeable Grace .

You . my immovable fortress.

my lifeline .

my only Hope and desperate plea , 

not for what You do but only for who You are .

a pure love for You made possible in Your pure love for me . 

teach me . 

lead me . 

love me .

You , oh faithful , ever-present God ,

let me find You in hidden places . 

help me believe You are in the things unseen . 

honesty unlocks doors . we cannot get to the place that we are going if we do not [ cannot ] acknowledge and engage the place that we are in .

advocate .

i was reading / thinking / googling about Jesus as our advocate and when i looked up the definition ,

[[ to speak or write in favor of ; support or urge by argument ; recommend publicly ]] ,

the word ' publicly ' stood out to me .

as my experience and knowing of Jesus' love increases , my understanding and the fathomability of it likewise and exponentially decrease .

when my mind creates it's image in response to Jesus interceding in Heaven , it envisions this calm , quiet, peaceful man , kneeling with eyes closed and hands folded ; lips moving at a steady pace with no audible sounds escaping them .

but actually ?  i don't buy that picture for a second .

He is jealous for me .
I have stolen His heart .
He was not a passive , ' here's my prayer Father , take it or leave it ' , man and so how much more could that persona not be adopted by Him in all His glory of royalty and divinity ?

He is passion .
Fire .
His Presence comes in Peace but His still small voice does not come in a missable silence but one that is louder than all of the noise .

He is anything but indifferent .
He died for me .
He gave up everything to have me , to be with me .
He sweat His very blood for me .
He weeps for me .
He rejoices over me .
He embodies all of these things and more to an extent beyond all human capacity even dare try to imagine .

I saw Him the way I did because of what I believed - or didn't - of His love for me .

embarrassed .
timid .
shy .
secret .
obligatory .

His love is foolish , lavish , loud , flamboyant  .
He is not ashamed .
He is incessantly moving Heaven and shaking hell for me .
Flaunting His love for me with the Father .
Waving publicly the price He paid for me - He will not lose what He paid for .

He will not lose me .
weak , broken , snotty , messy , little me .

because in reality of His sight right now , and one day also in my own i will see that , i am strong , whole , beautiful , pure , and sparkling whiter than snow . . . ' little ' irrelevant because He'll be holding me and the sight of Him is more than our eyes could possibly fully capture of the glory they behold . 

success as not defined by webster .

what are you hoping for this week ? what are you looking forward to ? what are your goals ?

' i want to make progress ' 

how do you define progress ? 

i had my definition of success radically shifted yesterday through the wisdom and invitation of grace that ultimately is extended to each of us from the very Heart of our Father . 

i teeter on the fine line between hope and daunting terror of the journey and process that surrounds and lies before me . time and time again it has been whispered ' you are right where you need to be ; just be with Jesus , the journey your on is nothing you must do . '

truthfully , it's been and continues to be a wrestling frustration . what a bizarre and unfathomable concept .

how will change happen . . how will anything happen . . if i don't do anything ?

but actually ? it's kind of starting to make sense . . well . . maybe not quite make sense but it is most certainly starting to resonate with me as i practice what i do not understand . to out of faith , just be . to look at Jesus and take each next step He puts in front me .

just as in the way we walk with our feet , we are to walk with our hearts , our souls , and our minds . say it takes ten steps to walk across a room . you cannot take step two if you do not first take step one . you can't get to step ten if you do not take steps one through nine . . and in their exact chronological order . you also can take no combination of multiple steps at the same time . not one and two . not four and seven . etc .

when i was little , i shared a room with my little sister caroline . my bed was closest to the closet door and every night after our parents put us to bed she would watch as i got out of bed , flipped on the closet light and over and over again would flip the switch back off and attempt to beat the speed of light back to my bed which was just out of reach from the wall . 

call it stubborn . call it OCD . competitive . controlling . . call it any number of things . 

it was . . and is . .  probably all of them . 

there is a vast unknown before me only now , i can't even see what exactly i'm reaching for . 

i want to know the end . 

i want to be sure of the end . 

the truth is i do know and i can be . . in faith and the assurance of the Promises and Character of God . . but it certainly isn't tangible or defined . 

the reality is that it hurts . and it is overwhelming . but i come to realize that it has only become overwhelming when i look beyond the one step that is front of me . 

i am Peter walking on the water . i know i'm on the water now . . and i see Jesus before me . . but i can't quite touch Him . maybe if i just stretch a little more . . i know He's on the other side but what about all these steps in between ? 

i start to focus on the steps rather than Jesus and the enormity of what lies before overtakes the infinitcy of The Who who is with me . behind me . before me . 

chaos swirls around me but one glance home and the Peace of His eyes captivates me once again . 

it takes discipline and intentionality to keep them there - to bring them back there how ever often they wander or take the slightest flickering glance else where . 

success . what an inevitable condemnation we've conjured for ourselves . 

let me encourage you that sometimes 'success' is getting up and showing up for what The Lord has placed before you . 

what mercy . what grace . what freedom . what relief .  

i am exactly where i need to be . . . and where i'm at is not just okay and it is not just good but it is perfect . ordained . safe . 

who i am . where i am . is enough . 

' it is not perfection which pleases God , but Faith  ' 

[[ hebrews 11 : 6 ]]

so in the midst of my darkest hours . my deepest pains . my hidden secrets and ripped open - patched up wounds , if i have faith , even that the size of a mustard seed or the borrowed faith of a friend to use the energy i do not have to simply look at him and cry His name , He is pleased . 

if i am willing , He will work .

[[ james 4 : 6 - 10 ]]

i am willing , therefore , He is working .

we are fighting too many battles at once and the fact is that not even one is ours to fight alone . we are to be still and wait on the Lord . to just be with Him as He fights for us .

 [[ exodus 14 : 14 ]]

hemmed in . behind and before .

 [[ psalm 139 : 4 ]]

so . let's ask the question again .

what are your goals this week ?

these are mine . 

step out of your striving and see just what a deadly and unnecessary burden you've been carrying .

all of me for all of Him .

following Jesus is anything but easy and the more you give yourself up to Him , the more you realize you have to lay down . 

He is an all or nothing God . 

every bit of me is shattered , weary , broken , and fatigue has earned an entirely knew meaning dripping with aches and pains . 

there is tired , and then there is . . this . . 

it cannot be any other way . 

there are times of frustration , discouragement , anger , doubt , and pitfalls into bouts of i can't do this anymore . 

or even 

i don't want to do this anymore . 

but simultaneously as the thought pulses through my flesh my spirit cries 

where else would i go ?

what else would i do ?

[[ john 6 : 68 ]]

He has promised me the end , the glory , the wholeness , the every thing made new . 

I'm here . I'm in . I will see His word fulfilled . I will receive the Promises . I will see Him . 

the days are long and the nights often longer as hour by hour new emotions , experiences , and battles of the journey arise . some are sung with the joys of heaven while others screech with the horrors of hell . 

i face them all . i embrace them all . 

i . will . see . God . 

i will arrive in the fullness of glory .

even if it means dying in the process of getting there . 

more than ever i live desperately clinging to 2 corinthians 12 : 8 - 9 and so graciously reminded each night by the heroes around me of lamentations 3 : 22 - 24 . 

how else can a heart be made new but by first being torn down in order that it may be , in the fullest and purest sense , built back up again . [[ isaiah 60 ]] 

honestly , i sometimes become so overwhelmed and begin to fear might break . . that ill fail and taint the name

of Jesus . 

but that is a lie from the very pit of hell and a contradiction to the very nature of who God is , a stripping of His glory . 

His power is made perfect and weakness 

His glory on display for all to see . 

i give Him all of me , that i may have all of Him . . . clinging to and fully embraced in the Truth of His Word .

For He [ God ] Himself has said I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support . [ I will ] not , [ I will ] not , [ I will ] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake you nor let [ you ] down ( relax my hold on you ! ) [ Assuredly not ! ] 
[[ hebrews 13 : 5 ]]

not so empty spaces .

how is it that classes only just began today ??  not to say in the least , that nothing has been happening in the mean time . if there is ever a gap in time you haven't heard from me , you may safely assume the reasons are in direct opposition to any thoughts you may have on the side of . .
i wonder if she's stopped writing / posting ?
hmm . . i guess nothing is happening right now . . 

i do whole heartedly appreciate and relish in your missing me , not to say that that is any drive behind the absences either but when a few of you starting popping up here and there wondering what's new , how i am doing , or anything of the like , it is something of a reminder of purpose . part of the why behind sharing this with you in the first place .

i envision it is something of an intricately woven masterpiece of abstract inspiration , color , faces , feelings , hopes , dreams , scars , giddiness filling voids of emptiness , and glory like a torrent washing over every broken place . . . how could i possibly keep it in ? why would i ever dare to try ?

i've said before , and i'll say it again . . i want to hear from you . this is just as much yours as it is mine . i'm learning to use my voice and am inviting you to do the same .
i'm trusting you . . . and asking you to trust me .

so those ' empty ' spaces between posts ? are in fact not empty at all .
they are the lingering of moments . the movement of The Lord in inexpressible ways and just as you wait in anticipation to receive the words , i wait in anticipation to share them .

when all seems quiet here , rest assured it is anything but . this year is my commitment to staying in every moment The Lord takes me in to . . however long , heavy , joyful or whatever paradoxical combination of the two may arise .

embrace the moments with me . claim them as your own . maybe i am wrestling and you need to rest . . . maybe it's the other way around . or maybe it's both .

all around us we observe a pregnant creation . the difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs . but it's not only around us ; it's within us . The Spirit of God is arousing us within . we're also feeling the birth pangs . these sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance . that is why waiting does not diminish us any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother . we are enlarged in the waiting . we , of course , don't see what is enlarging us but the longer we wait the longer we become , and the more joyful our expectancy . 
[[ romans 8 : 22 - 25 ]]

words penned by Paul some thousands of years and yet here i am today feeling the entirety of weight in every single one . 

indeed the Scriptures are alive , perhaps even more so every day .

and like Saul met on the road with his donkey to Damascus , The Lord finds me and meets me on little back roads in Clifton , Texas with horses and cows whispering , 

I see you Darling , I have brought you here , I will bring you out and I am forever with you in every moment of the in between . 
you will see where I was then . you will feel Me with you now and you will rise in the assurance that I am with you into the heights and depths of the forever more . 

a barren place called beautiful

yesterday was a bit of a roller coaster . the morning started off one way , the afternoon turned another , and the night ended in an entirely different way . 
at some point , every emotion was experienced in full . 
highs . 
lows . 
some lingered while others simply stopped long enough to make themselves known and move on .

whether uncontainable joy , burning anger , gut wrenching hurt , seemingly hopeless discouragement , physical pain , or the whiplash of  fast - forward speed mental processing and realization , i wake up this morning and i do not wish the day away . i do not regret any of my own negative contribution and i do not resent that of any others . it is not merely a focus on the mountains and denial of the valleys , i am thankful for it all . 
every emotion , whether the way it manifests be healthy or accurate as to how it is we are truly feeling at the bottom of it all , is born out of valid purpose . 
it is okay to not be okay . 
it is okay to feel weak and to lean on those [ who are safe to lean on ] around you . 
it is pride and deception to think we can make it on our own . 
the weaknesses i felt yesterday , the hopelessness and discouragement , would have gotten the best of me , i am sure , if not for the ones that carried me through that particular turn of the roller coaster . 
vulnerability is risky . it will humble you . ultimately , it will envelope you , carry you , break down walls , and draw you nearer to the people we have been gifted with in our lives . 
it will bless you , and it will bless them . 
vulnerability acknowledges that you are worth fighting for ; that you were made for more . 
likewise , vulnerability speaks to the worth of those with whom we choose to enter into it . 
it feels good to be trusted . 
it feels good to feel necessary , helpful , strong , chosen ; to be invited into intimacy with another person . 
in stepping into being vulnerable , a cycle of life giving relationship ensues ; a cyclical flow of value 

** i am worth fighting for - - >
you are trustworthy and dependable to support me - - >
i feel loved , covered , and affirmed in my worth that you would care enough about me to step into this with me - - >
i feel value and purpose that you would confide in me and see in me , someone approachable ; confident that i would have something of benefit to offer you . . . **

i am thankful for yesterday because i am learning how to not be okay . how to not simply ignore anything unpleasant while on the contrary , not sinking in to pity or sitting stagnant and complacent . 
how to not be taken over by the quick sand of internal processing and self assessment . 

i am thankful for yesterday because i am drowning in a sea of being genuinely and purely known ; of being seen sheerly for my heart - loved for what is there - identity spoken out that i cannot yet see or don't quite yet have the assurance to stand behind . 

don't stop with the feeling . don't stop with the circumstance . don't stop at blame or shame . 
if we do , we may ' move on ' , but the feeling will remain , fester , and inevitably resurface and manifest itself in an even deeper rooted and detrimental way in the future . 

i am frustrated .  why ?
i am sad . why ?
i am hurt . why ?
i am angry . why ?
i am scared . why ?

and on the flip side . . .

i am happy . why ?
i am excited . why ?
i am so encouraged . why ?

it all comes down to identity . the question actually isn't merely ' why ' but . . . what is this saying to me about my identity ? who i am ? do i believe it [ truth or lies - initiated by ourselves or another ] ?

what lie am i believing / do i feel is being called out in me that is not mine to hold ?
what truth am i not believing about myself or The One who made me ?
what does He have to say ?

i am thankful for yesterday because i am learning to allow every moment to be a reciprocal invitation . one i have the opportunity to offer and one i have the opportunity to receive . 

Lord , speak . 
Child , listen . 
Father , help me believe . 
Daughter , I adore you , stay with me , you will see . 

i took these pictures yesterday and initially had them at the beginning of this post with these words , 
' i don't actually like this picture , i mean , it's sort of cool i guess , but it certainly doesn't qualify as pretty . . . '  
i had gone to be in the woods and did not get the scenery i was hoping for . it was barren and dead . rampant ant hills were the only signs of life . . . and thorn bushes constantly scraping at my legs [ if that counts as life ]
it was The Pride Lands of The Lion King under the reign of Scar come to life ; which was fitting for that particular point in the roller coaster . . . but , according to who , was Scar actually deemed as ruler ?
himself and a bunch of stupid hyenas [ and or ' stupid mangey poachers . . .  aka irrelevant . plus the fact that they also eventually turned their backs on him ]
those he ' ruled ' never accepted or acknowledged him as that which he desired to be and while temporarily , at first glance , it looked as if scar was in control , anything beyond a fleeting glance would show otherwise . 

The Lord met me in this place , He allowed me still to sing [ literally . . . ask the hiker that walked by and away with a story to take back to his friends . . ] , He loved me there and Shepherded me to safety . He brought me home that by the end of the night , i might lay my head down to sleep shielded in grace , resting in peace , victorious with Him in another day one . 

it could have been so different and so i look again to the pictures and my soul whispers

beautiful . 

discipline and a little holy rebellion .

since being in waco , it's become a thing to make my bed and pick up my room every morning . i enjoy it . it brings a sense of peace in both how i personally feel but also the feel of my room . it's not chaotic to look at so it isn't chaotic to walk in to or be around . and at night , when the day is done it is a warm and welcoming invitation to pull back the covers , gather my stuffed animals , re-place my pillow , crawl in to and be safely swept away in sleep . all of that to lead up to and say , this morning i was met with a delightful release from The Lord to take the day off and to rest . i see Him with a smile on His face and hear Him whisper with a twinkle in His eye , ' hey baby , don't worry about making your bed today . . . if you find yourself wanting to pick up the floor sometime later this afternoon , great . but only if you want to ;) '

it's like getting flowers from your boyfriend . . . but also not at all because it's that much better . 

and i smile to think it started with obedience , discipline , and good stewardship . 

there's that ' discipline ' word again . . . see ?! it's really not so bad !
without it , this mornings invitation would have had no means by which to exist . 

domineering and legalistic . . . . it just isn't who He is .

something old something new .

so i had this huge revelation of this thing in my life that hasn't been a thing but from now on is definitely a thing . . in my life . 
it's something i've never really made a habit of , that now i am pursuing and practicing that it would become my new normal - natural . constant . innate . a ' thing ' as if it was never not a thing . 

waiting on The Lord :: 
intentionally asking and inviting Him in to specific details of my life . 
what does He think ? 
what does He say ? about me . . it . . them . . 
He is the huge uncontainable indefinable infinite God - - who sees , is in , and cares about every practicality . 

Lord , do i want to work out ? or do i want to take a nap . . do i want to go to grit ? or do i want to go to yoga . . do i want to watch aladdin or beauty and the beast ?
Lord , what do you want me to say or not say to this person . 
Jesus , i'm feeling rejected right now . . what do you say ?
God , that hurt and i'm angry . . i don't know what i need but you do . . speak to me . 
Holy Spirit , let's go on an adventure . . should i turn left or right here ? straight ? oh yeah , or that too . . 
Lord , so and so drives me nuts . . help me see them as you do , give me grace , and how can i make healthy boundaries with them , what do those look like ?
Should i buy a dog ? can i buy a dog ? what kind ? what should we name it ?!
God , i do **fill in the blank** and i know it's not good for me , i don't want to do it but i can't stop ! why ? what do i think it's accomplishing for me ? what am i not trusting or believing about You ?  what is the lie i'm believing about myself . . .

i get so excited about something , or afraid , or upset and i lay it before Him , spill it all , and ask//beg Him to show up , to rescue me , to move . . . i bring Him my frenzy [ which often tends to just multiply itself in the process ] and then forget to ask and wait for Him to respond so rather than 'leaving' with His Voice , with Peace , with His Heart . . . i 'leave' more burdened and distraught .
the real kicker is that then i become frustrated He 'isn't answering' . that nothing is changing . that i'm not free . when that is in fact , not at all the reality of what's going on . 

most of the time , we are talking at God . . when there is so much more available to us . . the invitation to - His desire  that we would - talk with Him .

there is so much Grace for this . it is a habit we have to practice , learn , instill in ourselves. it does not come naturally and so where i could turn that frustration on to myself and feel guilty and ashamed , instead , i accept the Grace and really , am giddy with excitement to now have realized such an 'oh duh' thing , giggle at myself , thank Him for the revelation . it is not a hindsight realization to be guilty about but a gateway into exponentially more freedom and intimacy . 
we all have to learn it . we all have to pursue it . forget how long it may have taken to get here . . i'm here now and am way more concerned with what it means for the rest of my life . just days in and everything is so different . so new . so alive . 

my own voice is so weak and powerless but when i come under His . . . we are unstoppable . 
if God is for us , who can be against us ? [ romans 8 : 31 ]
He's always been for us . . . for me . but to read the words is one thing . to know a fact is great . but to experience the reality personally ? fact becomes solidified and tangible truth no longer just floating around through your head but now deeply rooted , the very blood flowing , in your heart . 
hear-say is doubtable . 
first hand experience is inarguable . 

today is only day 3 of living in this new discipline and my entire life is completely different . i am completely different .  
i know discipline has a negative connotation and sounds overbearing but i could never even tell you fully or fairly or anywhere near completely , the Freedom i feel . the Peace . the Joy . the weightlessness .
all of the things i have begged , pleaded , and cried for . . wrestled and fought for only to come up anxious frustrated and confused as to why i didn't have them . 
living for The Spirit . craving His fruit [ galatians 5 : 22 - 23 ] . . yet feeling so empty handed and lacking .

we can lay our lives out before Him all day every day but the game changer is whether or not we leave it there . 

pillow talk

this trip has been adventure . it has been joy , laughter , and excitement . 
it has been new places and faces and incredible cups of coffee . 

i speak of it as though all of that is past tense , and while it is , it is also very much still happening and will continue to happen . 

i've lived here before , in this city with many of the same faces . 
but there is so much unknown , and even the known changes . 
i've changed . 

and if someone or something is only remnants of the same . . . is it really the same at all ? 
maybe . i don't have an answer . and maybe the answer is relevant . or irrelevant . 


so far , i have showcased the dreams and shelved the fears as far as you all are concerned but i'll let you in on a not so secret secret .


i am terrified . sometimes slightly , and other times overwhelmingly . 
typing away , i sit on my bed , hair a mess on top of my head and crocodile tears streaming down my face . 
part of me wants to run away . 
quit . change my mind . 
but it hasn't even started yet . 

i struggle with time and in betweens . i like variety but change is hard for me . 
i feel sick in every way and i am completely exhausted . 
each of the little things i am adjusting to bring me so much joy but when they're all thrown together and at me simultaneously , i am overwhelmed . 

i never want to write out of complaint or negativity but i also want to be fair , real , honest , and paint a whole picture . 
so i hope you don't walk away discouraged . 

as much as panic gets the best of me at times , and maybe at this particular time , if we don't acknowledge our emotions , we can't properly deal with them . 

i do not regret or wish to change any part of this . . . i am sick and tired . and a girl . 
i am a znachko girl . and i am me . . . which all boils down to this undeniable fact :: every emotion leads to tears . happy , sad , good , bad , indifferent . . . mix a bunch of those together and ?? get your lifeboats . danger of drowning . 

so cry , but don't forget to breathe . and with each tear clearing blink of your eyes , catch a clear ray of vision [ it's okay that your eyes are filling right back up . . . you'll blink again ] .

cumulatively , life is daunting but if you pick it apart for the little pieces that it is , it's really quite non-threatening . 

call out to Jesus . 
be at peace . 
get some sleep . 
when tomorrow comes , don't allow today to linger . 

oh and also ?? sometimes it's good to call your mom . 

coming home .

it's been several days since i have written . and i have so much to say but at the same time , struggle for the words and it's in those places i know i am not to write . 

i wait for the words to settle and rise in me . . . rather than my chasing them down . 

but , i figured it wouldn't hurt to check in . let you know i am home . safe . still very much here . 

the time and space i have been gifted with to travel , rest , stay , go , be , explore , settle in , and move has been such a welcomed grace . so peaceful .
and peace does not come easy for me . 
i am not good with or at rest . 

being still scares me . 
but not here . 

i thank you for following my journey . for being excited for me and all of what none of us even know it will entail . i am so looking forward to sharing it with you while also realizing what lies ahead of me , what i am already living in and experiencing now , is far beyond communicable . 

i thank you for the grace to ebb and flow in my postings . i have no formula , no schedule , no expectation . . . 

you will get words . sometimes many and sometimes few . 
you will get pictures . sometimes captioned and sometimes not . 

as much as this year is my year , let it be yours as well . take from it what you will , relate to it as you do . as you give me grace , i give the same to you . 
ask questions if you like , participate or observe . 
when life gets busy , come and rest . 

home is so many things .
in so many ways , home is where i have come .
and here is my hope for you . . that my coming home will be a catalyst to , in some form or fashion , a coming home for you too . 

and welcome home to you .