at some point , every emotion was experienced in full .
highs .
lows .
some lingered while others simply stopped long enough to make themselves known and move on .
whether uncontainable joy , burning anger , gut wrenching hurt , seemingly hopeless discouragement , physical pain , or the whiplash of fast - forward speed mental processing and realization , i wake up this morning and i do not wish the day away . i do not regret any of my own negative contribution and i do not resent that of any others . it is not merely a focus on the mountains and denial of the valleys , i am thankful for it all .
every emotion , whether the way it manifests be healthy or accurate as to how it is we are truly feeling at the bottom of it all , is born out of valid purpose .
it is okay to not be okay .
it is okay to feel weak and to lean on those [ who are safe to lean on ] around you .
it is pride and deception to think we can make it on our own .
the weaknesses i felt yesterday , the hopelessness and discouragement , would have gotten the best of me , i am sure , if not for the ones that carried me through that particular turn of the roller coaster .
vulnerability is risky . it will humble you . ultimately , it will envelope you , carry you , break down walls , and draw you nearer to the people we have been gifted with in our lives .
it will bless you , and it will bless them .
vulnerability acknowledges that you are worth fighting for ; that you were made for more .
likewise , vulnerability speaks to the worth of those with whom we choose to enter into it .
it feels good to be trusted .
it feels good to feel necessary , helpful , strong , chosen ; to be invited into intimacy with another person .
in stepping into being vulnerable , a cycle of life giving relationship ensues ; a cyclical flow of value
** i am worth fighting for - - >
you are trustworthy and dependable to support me - - >
i feel loved , covered , and affirmed in my worth that you would care enough about me to step into this with me - - >
i feel value and purpose that you would confide in me and see in me , someone approachable ; confident that i would have something of benefit to offer you . . . **
i am thankful for yesterday because i am learning how to not be okay . how to not simply ignore anything unpleasant while on the contrary , not sinking in to pity or sitting stagnant and complacent .
how to not be taken over by the quick sand of internal processing and self assessment .
i am thankful for yesterday because i am drowning in a sea of being genuinely and purely known ; of being seen sheerly for my heart - loved for what is there - identity spoken out that i cannot yet see or don't quite yet have the assurance to stand behind .
don't stop with the feeling . don't stop with the circumstance . don't stop at blame or shame .
if we do , we may ' move on ' , but the feeling will remain , fester , and inevitably resurface and manifest itself in an even deeper rooted and detrimental way in the future .
i am frustrated . why ?
i am sad . why ?
i am hurt . why ?
i am angry . why ?
i am scared . why ?
and on the flip side . . .
i am happy . why ?
i am excited . why ?
i am so encouraged . why ?
it all comes down to identity . the question actually isn't merely ' why ' but . . . what is this saying to me about my identity ? who i am ? do i believe it [ truth or lies - initiated by ourselves or another ] ?
what lie am i believing / do i feel is being called out in me that is not mine to hold ?
what truth am i not believing about myself or The One who made me ?
what does He have to say ?
i am thankful for yesterday because i am learning to allow every moment to be a reciprocal invitation . one i have the opportunity to offer and one i have the opportunity to receive .
Lord , speak .
Child , listen .
Father , help me believe .
Daughter , I adore you , stay with me , you will see .
i took these pictures yesterday and initially had them at the beginning of this post with these words ,
' i don't actually like this picture , i mean , it's sort of cool i guess , but it certainly doesn't qualify as pretty . . . '
i had gone to be in the woods and did not get the scenery i was hoping for . it was barren and dead . rampant ant hills were the only signs of life . . . and thorn bushes constantly scraping at my legs [ if that counts as life ]
it was The Pride Lands of The Lion King under the reign of Scar come to life ; which was fitting for that particular point in the roller coaster . . . but , according to who , was Scar actually deemed as ruler ?
himself and a bunch of stupid hyenas [ and or ' stupid mangey poachers . . . aka irrelevant . plus the fact that they also eventually turned their backs on him ]
those he ' ruled ' never accepted or acknowledged him as that which he desired to be and while temporarily , at first glance , it looked as if scar was in control , anything beyond a fleeting glance would show otherwise .
The Lord met me in this place , He allowed me still to sing [ literally . . . ask the hiker that walked by and away with a story to take back to his friends . . ] , He loved me there and Shepherded me to safety . He brought me home that by the end of the night , i might lay my head down to sleep shielded in grace , resting in peace , victorious with Him in another day one .
it could have been so different and so i look again to the pictures and my soul whispers
beautiful .
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