getting grateful .

to be honest , i was having a rough day yesterday and when i have those days there typically comes the point that i become frustrated with myself exasperatedly thinking ,  ' what ?! is wrong with me ?! ' 

the question was to myself as much as it was to Him .

i stopped for a minute . i grabbed my phone and headphones . i needed to take a walk . 

' i'll go listen to a podcast . . . no i don't want to listen to a podcast . '

strike one . 

' okay . . i'll take my book . . . no , i don't want to do that either . '

strike two . 

' i just really need to listen to worship . '

ding ! ding ! ding !

shoes tied , i headed down the driveway . i am abundantly blessed by the yard i get to look at everyday and the eyes in my head that are able to see it . 

i like to think of it as my secret and/or fairy garden . there are a couple of spots in particular that are especially fairy-garden-esque .

one being the creek that flows through the front yard . 

i paused on the bridge , leaned over to watch the fish , then closed my eyes and took a breathe . 

Jesus . . . [[ ' breathe ' meaning a deep inhale with more of a whimpering plea than a true exhale ]] . 

gratitude . i needed to get to a place of gratitude . 

worship playing (( and eyes open )) , i set off looking at a screen of a new , very blank note on my phone . 

my list began slow and reluctant . pitiful really . but i had been given an invitation and decided to take it and in-so doing , offering an invitation was returned .  His acceptance was not so hesitant . a song began . . . 

pink .

legs to walk with You . 

extensions . 

things to be thankful for . 

grace for the infinitely overwhelming amount and magnitude of things around me to be thankful for and yet , i start with ' pink ' . 

not living downtown so i can more clearly see the sky . 

new beginnings . the purpose in the process of being patient for their arrival and the faith to choose to believe it's there . 

learning to laugh at myself . 

giggling with You . 

redemption . 

lifted burdens and unbound bondage . 

provision . 

You are bigger . . than me . than it . than them .  

victory . 

Your Spirit , making You undeniably real . 

creativity . mine and others . 

Your patience and Your persistence with me. 

Your intimacy with me . 

Your promise of and character to never withhold Yourself from me .

drawing me when i reject You . time and time again . 

choosing me . 

stillness in the midst of chaos . 

Your immovability . 

that in the joy and in the pain , You are here . holding me . surrounding me on all sides . 

that with You , I have ' exceedingly abundantly ' all I ever need . 

[[ ephesians 3:20 ]]

comfort . the comfort of Yourself and the tangible blessings You move through . 

You welcome my honesty . You care ,fully and tenderly about and for ,  my broken breaking heart . 

You seek me . initiate with me . miss me when I'm not around and invite me in . 

You don't dispose , You hold . 

You don't patch , You heal .

You deal with me deeply and completely . 

You do not let me hide . 

You reveal my fears as the lies that they are rather than the protection i am deceived to see them as . 

You say I'm important , on purpose , with purpose , and Your Word is true , final , and forever .

Your Word*s* when i cannot form my own . 

that You are worship .

You are whimsy . 

and You are wild . 

you see , i was asking the wrong question and going about it completely the wrong way . 

a . there wasn't anything wrong with me . not in the condenming way my mind was shouting the question. & . whatever was wrong , wasn't mine to ' fix ' .

b. i didn't need someone else in my ear or words on a page telling me about Jesus . i needed Jesus . 

i didn't come back from my walk skipping , happy and ' all better ' . none of the reality of what i was feeling went away , but now it wasn't the focus . 

i had left defeated but i came back certain .

[[ The Lord your God among you is powerful - he will save and he will take joyful delight in you . In his love he will renew you with his love ; he will celebrate with singing because of you . 

 zephaniah 3 : 17 ]]