to be honest , i was having a rough day yesterday and
when i have those days there typically comes the point that i become frustrated
with myself exasperatedly thinking , ' what ?! is wrong with me ?! '
the question was to myself as much as it was to Him
.
i stopped for a minute . i grabbed my phone and headphones
. i needed to take a walk .
' i'll go listen to a podcast . . . no i don't want to listen to a
podcast . '
strike one .
' okay . . i'll take my book . . . no , i don't want to do that either
. '
strike two .
' i just really need to listen to worship . '
ding ! ding ! ding !
shoes tied , i headed down the driveway . i am
abundantly blessed by the yard i get to look at everyday and the eyes in my
head that are able to see it .
i like to think of it as my secret and/or fairy
garden . there are a couple of spots in particular that are especially
fairy-garden-esque .
one being the creek that flows through the front
yard .
i paused on the bridge , leaned over to watch the
fish , then closed my eyes and took a breathe .
Jesus . . . [[ ' breathe ' meaning
a deep inhale with more of a whimpering plea than a true exhale ]] .
gratitude . i needed to get to a
place of gratitude .
worship playing (( and eyes open )) , i set off
looking at a screen of a new , very blank note on my phone .
my list began slow and reluctant . pitiful really .
but i had been given an invitation and decided to take it and in-so doing ,
offering an invitation was returned . His acceptance was not so
hesitant . a song began . . .
pink .
legs to walk with You .
extensions .
things to be thankful for .
grace for the infinitely overwhelming
amount and magnitude of things around me to be thankful for and yet , i start
with ' pink ' .
not living downtown so i can more
clearly see the sky .
new beginnings . the purpose in the
process of being patient for their arrival and the faith to choose to believe
it's there .
learning to laugh at myself .
giggling with You .
redemption .
lifted burdens and unbound bondage .
provision .
You are bigger . . than me . than it
. than them .
victory .
Your Spirit , making You undeniably
real .
creativity . mine and others .
Your patience and Your persistence
with me.
Your intimacy with me .
Your promise of and character to
never withhold Yourself from me .
drawing me when i reject You . time
and time again .
choosing me .
stillness in the midst of chaos .
Your immovability .
that in the joy and in the pain , You
are here . holding me . surrounding me on all sides .
that with You , I have ' exceedingly
abundantly ' all I ever need .
[[ ephesians 3:20 ]]
comfort . the comfort of Yourself and
the tangible blessings You move through .
You welcome my honesty . You care
,fully and tenderly about and for , my broken breaking heart .
You seek me . initiate with me . miss
me when I'm not around and invite me in .
You don't dispose , You hold .
You don't patch , You heal .
You deal with me deeply and
completely .
You do not let me hide .
You reveal my fears as the lies that
they are rather than the protection i am deceived to see them as .
You say I'm important , on purpose ,
with purpose , and Your Word is true , final , and forever .
Your Word*s* when i cannot form my
own .
that You are worship .
You are whimsy .
and You are wild .
you see , i was asking the wrong question and
going about it completely the wrong way .
a . there wasn't anything wrong with me .
not in the condenming way my mind was shouting the question. & . whatever
was wrong , wasn't mine to ' fix ' .
b. i didn't need someone else in my ear or words on
a page telling me about Jesus . i needed Jesus .
i didn't come back from my walk skipping , happy
and ' all better ' . none of the reality of what i was feeling went away , but
now it wasn't the focus .
i had left defeated but i came back certain .
[[ The Lord your God among you is powerful - he will
save and he will take joyful delight in you . In his love he will renew you
with his love ; he will celebrate with singing because of you .
zephaniah 3
: 17 ]]
