psalm ** : ** [ a song of annabelle ]

O Lord . 

You know where i've been , every deepest pit ;

every flickering fleeting hope.  You know because You were there , 

with me , for me .

You know my pain even more deeply than i do.  You are the giver of my joys . 

You forgive my selfishness and self pity .

You stoop down to meet me in my blind and brokenness . You sit with me 'til day break and then still , always will remain . 

in the pits of hell , body clutched , eyes locked shut as a steal trap door , 

You remain . You never never took , and never will take , Your Presence from me . 

When i refuse You , You are still there . 

When everyone else leaves me , You stay . 

stronger than any attempts to kill me , You sustain me . my very breathe . 

my very beating heart . 

my ability to see You or feel you does not change You . 

it does not shake You . 

You are the healer , and even more , You are the resurrector .

slowly , as understanding slips into the peripheral realm of my senses , i cling to the Promise ; to You , that one day and one day soon I will You fully and clearly . 

past . present . future . 

questions answered . 

doubts irrelevant . 

angels singing and demons destroyed . 

I am Yours , and You are mine . 

Jesus , hold me .  carry me out of the shadows away from the grip of death and into Your Glorious Light and Life . 

grip my wavering heart in Your unshakeable Grace .

You . my immovable fortress.

my lifeline .

my only Hope and desperate plea , 

not for what You do but only for who You are .

a pure love for You made possible in Your pure love for me . 

teach me . 

lead me . 

love me .

You , oh faithful , ever-present God ,

let me find You in hidden places . 

help me believe You are in the things unseen . 

honesty unlocks doors . we cannot get to the place that we are going if we do not [ cannot ] acknowledge and engage the place that we are in .

advocate .

i was reading / thinking / googling about Jesus as our advocate and when i looked up the definition ,

[[ to speak or write in favor of ; support or urge by argument ; recommend publicly ]] ,

the word ' publicly ' stood out to me .

as my experience and knowing of Jesus' love increases , my understanding and the fathomability of it likewise and exponentially decrease .

when my mind creates it's image in response to Jesus interceding in Heaven , it envisions this calm , quiet, peaceful man , kneeling with eyes closed and hands folded ; lips moving at a steady pace with no audible sounds escaping them .

but actually ?  i don't buy that picture for a second .

He is jealous for me .
I have stolen His heart .
He was not a passive , ' here's my prayer Father , take it or leave it ' , man and so how much more could that persona not be adopted by Him in all His glory of royalty and divinity ?

He is passion .
Fire .
His Presence comes in Peace but His still small voice does not come in a missable silence but one that is louder than all of the noise .

He is anything but indifferent .
He died for me .
He gave up everything to have me , to be with me .
He sweat His very blood for me .
He weeps for me .
He rejoices over me .
He embodies all of these things and more to an extent beyond all human capacity even dare try to imagine .

I saw Him the way I did because of what I believed - or didn't - of His love for me .

embarrassed .
timid .
shy .
secret .
obligatory .

His love is foolish , lavish , loud , flamboyant  .
He is not ashamed .
He is incessantly moving Heaven and shaking hell for me .
Flaunting His love for me with the Father .
Waving publicly the price He paid for me - He will not lose what He paid for .

He will not lose me .
weak , broken , snotty , messy , little me .

because in reality of His sight right now , and one day also in my own i will see that , i am strong , whole , beautiful , pure , and sparkling whiter than snow . . . ' little ' irrelevant because He'll be holding me and the sight of Him is more than our eyes could possibly fully capture of the glory they behold . 

success as not defined by webster .

what are you hoping for this week ? what are you looking forward to ? what are your goals ?

' i want to make progress ' 

how do you define progress ? 

i had my definition of success radically shifted yesterday through the wisdom and invitation of grace that ultimately is extended to each of us from the very Heart of our Father . 

i teeter on the fine line between hope and daunting terror of the journey and process that surrounds and lies before me . time and time again it has been whispered ' you are right where you need to be ; just be with Jesus , the journey your on is nothing you must do . '

truthfully , it's been and continues to be a wrestling frustration . what a bizarre and unfathomable concept .

how will change happen . . how will anything happen . . if i don't do anything ?

but actually ? it's kind of starting to make sense . . well . . maybe not quite make sense but it is most certainly starting to resonate with me as i practice what i do not understand . to out of faith , just be . to look at Jesus and take each next step He puts in front me .

just as in the way we walk with our feet , we are to walk with our hearts , our souls , and our minds . say it takes ten steps to walk across a room . you cannot take step two if you do not first take step one . you can't get to step ten if you do not take steps one through nine . . and in their exact chronological order . you also can take no combination of multiple steps at the same time . not one and two . not four and seven . etc .

when i was little , i shared a room with my little sister caroline . my bed was closest to the closet door and every night after our parents put us to bed she would watch as i got out of bed , flipped on the closet light and over and over again would flip the switch back off and attempt to beat the speed of light back to my bed which was just out of reach from the wall . 

call it stubborn . call it OCD . competitive . controlling . . call it any number of things . 

it was . . and is . .  probably all of them . 

there is a vast unknown before me only now , i can't even see what exactly i'm reaching for . 

i want to know the end . 

i want to be sure of the end . 

the truth is i do know and i can be . . in faith and the assurance of the Promises and Character of God . . but it certainly isn't tangible or defined . 

the reality is that it hurts . and it is overwhelming . but i come to realize that it has only become overwhelming when i look beyond the one step that is front of me . 

i am Peter walking on the water . i know i'm on the water now . . and i see Jesus before me . . but i can't quite touch Him . maybe if i just stretch a little more . . i know He's on the other side but what about all these steps in between ? 

i start to focus on the steps rather than Jesus and the enormity of what lies before overtakes the infinitcy of The Who who is with me . behind me . before me . 

chaos swirls around me but one glance home and the Peace of His eyes captivates me once again . 

it takes discipline and intentionality to keep them there - to bring them back there how ever often they wander or take the slightest flickering glance else where . 

success . what an inevitable condemnation we've conjured for ourselves . 

let me encourage you that sometimes 'success' is getting up and showing up for what The Lord has placed before you . 

what mercy . what grace . what freedom . what relief .  

i am exactly where i need to be . . . and where i'm at is not just okay and it is not just good but it is perfect . ordained . safe . 

who i am . where i am . is enough . 

' it is not perfection which pleases God , but Faith  ' 

[[ hebrews 11 : 6 ]]

so in the midst of my darkest hours . my deepest pains . my hidden secrets and ripped open - patched up wounds , if i have faith , even that the size of a mustard seed or the borrowed faith of a friend to use the energy i do not have to simply look at him and cry His name , He is pleased . 

if i am willing , He will work .

[[ james 4 : 6 - 10 ]]

i am willing , therefore , He is working .

we are fighting too many battles at once and the fact is that not even one is ours to fight alone . we are to be still and wait on the Lord . to just be with Him as He fights for us .

 [[ exodus 14 : 14 ]]

hemmed in . behind and before .

 [[ psalm 139 : 4 ]]

so . let's ask the question again .

what are your goals this week ?

these are mine . 

step out of your striving and see just what a deadly and unnecessary burden you've been carrying .

all of me for all of Him .

following Jesus is anything but easy and the more you give yourself up to Him , the more you realize you have to lay down . 

He is an all or nothing God . 

every bit of me is shattered , weary , broken , and fatigue has earned an entirely knew meaning dripping with aches and pains . 

there is tired , and then there is . . this . . 

it cannot be any other way . 

there are times of frustration , discouragement , anger , doubt , and pitfalls into bouts of i can't do this anymore . 

or even 

i don't want to do this anymore . 

but simultaneously as the thought pulses through my flesh my spirit cries 

where else would i go ?

what else would i do ?

[[ john 6 : 68 ]]

He has promised me the end , the glory , the wholeness , the every thing made new . 

I'm here . I'm in . I will see His word fulfilled . I will receive the Promises . I will see Him . 

the days are long and the nights often longer as hour by hour new emotions , experiences , and battles of the journey arise . some are sung with the joys of heaven while others screech with the horrors of hell . 

i face them all . i embrace them all . 

i . will . see . God . 

i will arrive in the fullness of glory .

even if it means dying in the process of getting there . 

more than ever i live desperately clinging to 2 corinthians 12 : 8 - 9 and so graciously reminded each night by the heroes around me of lamentations 3 : 22 - 24 . 

how else can a heart be made new but by first being torn down in order that it may be , in the fullest and purest sense , built back up again . [[ isaiah 60 ]] 

honestly , i sometimes become so overwhelmed and begin to fear might break . . that ill fail and taint the name

of Jesus . 

but that is a lie from the very pit of hell and a contradiction to the very nature of who God is , a stripping of His glory . 

His power is made perfect and weakness 

His glory on display for all to see . 

i give Him all of me , that i may have all of Him . . . clinging to and fully embraced in the Truth of His Word .

For He [ God ] Himself has said I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support . [ I will ] not , [ I will ] not , [ I will ] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake you nor let [ you ] down ( relax my hold on you ! ) [ Assuredly not ! ] 
[[ hebrews 13 : 5 ]]

not so empty spaces .

how is it that classes only just began today ??  not to say in the least , that nothing has been happening in the mean time . if there is ever a gap in time you haven't heard from me , you may safely assume the reasons are in direct opposition to any thoughts you may have on the side of . .
i wonder if she's stopped writing / posting ?
hmm . . i guess nothing is happening right now . . 

i do whole heartedly appreciate and relish in your missing me , not to say that that is any drive behind the absences either but when a few of you starting popping up here and there wondering what's new , how i am doing , or anything of the like , it is something of a reminder of purpose . part of the why behind sharing this with you in the first place .

i envision it is something of an intricately woven masterpiece of abstract inspiration , color , faces , feelings , hopes , dreams , scars , giddiness filling voids of emptiness , and glory like a torrent washing over every broken place . . . how could i possibly keep it in ? why would i ever dare to try ?

i've said before , and i'll say it again . . i want to hear from you . this is just as much yours as it is mine . i'm learning to use my voice and am inviting you to do the same .
i'm trusting you . . . and asking you to trust me .

so those ' empty ' spaces between posts ? are in fact not empty at all .
they are the lingering of moments . the movement of The Lord in inexpressible ways and just as you wait in anticipation to receive the words , i wait in anticipation to share them .

when all seems quiet here , rest assured it is anything but . this year is my commitment to staying in every moment The Lord takes me in to . . however long , heavy , joyful or whatever paradoxical combination of the two may arise .

embrace the moments with me . claim them as your own . maybe i am wrestling and you need to rest . . . maybe it's the other way around . or maybe it's both .

all around us we observe a pregnant creation . the difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs . but it's not only around us ; it's within us . The Spirit of God is arousing us within . we're also feeling the birth pangs . these sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance . that is why waiting does not diminish us any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother . we are enlarged in the waiting . we , of course , don't see what is enlarging us but the longer we wait the longer we become , and the more joyful our expectancy . 
[[ romans 8 : 22 - 25 ]]

words penned by Paul some thousands of years and yet here i am today feeling the entirety of weight in every single one . 

indeed the Scriptures are alive , perhaps even more so every day .

and like Saul met on the road with his donkey to Damascus , The Lord finds me and meets me on little back roads in Clifton , Texas with horses and cows whispering , 

I see you Darling , I have brought you here , I will bring you out and I am forever with you in every moment of the in between . 
you will see where I was then . you will feel Me with you now and you will rise in the assurance that I am with you into the heights and depths of the forever more .