not so empty spaces .

how is it that classes only just began today ??  not to say in the least , that nothing has been happening in the mean time . if there is ever a gap in time you haven't heard from me , you may safely assume the reasons are in direct opposition to any thoughts you may have on the side of . .
i wonder if she's stopped writing / posting ?
hmm . . i guess nothing is happening right now . . 

i do whole heartedly appreciate and relish in your missing me , not to say that that is any drive behind the absences either but when a few of you starting popping up here and there wondering what's new , how i am doing , or anything of the like , it is something of a reminder of purpose . part of the why behind sharing this with you in the first place .

i envision it is something of an intricately woven masterpiece of abstract inspiration , color , faces , feelings , hopes , dreams , scars , giddiness filling voids of emptiness , and glory like a torrent washing over every broken place . . . how could i possibly keep it in ? why would i ever dare to try ?

i've said before , and i'll say it again . . i want to hear from you . this is just as much yours as it is mine . i'm learning to use my voice and am inviting you to do the same .
i'm trusting you . . . and asking you to trust me .

so those ' empty ' spaces between posts ? are in fact not empty at all .
they are the lingering of moments . the movement of The Lord in inexpressible ways and just as you wait in anticipation to receive the words , i wait in anticipation to share them .

when all seems quiet here , rest assured it is anything but . this year is my commitment to staying in every moment The Lord takes me in to . . however long , heavy , joyful or whatever paradoxical combination of the two may arise .

embrace the moments with me . claim them as your own . maybe i am wrestling and you need to rest . . . maybe it's the other way around . or maybe it's both .

all around us we observe a pregnant creation . the difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs . but it's not only around us ; it's within us . The Spirit of God is arousing us within . we're also feeling the birth pangs . these sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance . that is why waiting does not diminish us any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother . we are enlarged in the waiting . we , of course , don't see what is enlarging us but the longer we wait the longer we become , and the more joyful our expectancy . 
[[ romans 8 : 22 - 25 ]]

words penned by Paul some thousands of years and yet here i am today feeling the entirety of weight in every single one . 

indeed the Scriptures are alive , perhaps even more so every day .

and like Saul met on the road with his donkey to Damascus , The Lord finds me and meets me on little back roads in Clifton , Texas with horses and cows whispering , 

I see you Darling , I have brought you here , I will bring you out and I am forever with you in every moment of the in between . 
you will see where I was then . you will feel Me with you now and you will rise in the assurance that I am with you into the heights and depths of the forever more . 

a barren place called beautiful

yesterday was a bit of a roller coaster . the morning started off one way , the afternoon turned another , and the night ended in an entirely different way . 
at some point , every emotion was experienced in full . 
highs . 
lows . 
some lingered while others simply stopped long enough to make themselves known and move on .

whether uncontainable joy , burning anger , gut wrenching hurt , seemingly hopeless discouragement , physical pain , or the whiplash of  fast - forward speed mental processing and realization , i wake up this morning and i do not wish the day away . i do not regret any of my own negative contribution and i do not resent that of any others . it is not merely a focus on the mountains and denial of the valleys , i am thankful for it all . 
every emotion , whether the way it manifests be healthy or accurate as to how it is we are truly feeling at the bottom of it all , is born out of valid purpose . 
it is okay to not be okay . 
it is okay to feel weak and to lean on those [ who are safe to lean on ] around you . 
it is pride and deception to think we can make it on our own . 
the weaknesses i felt yesterday , the hopelessness and discouragement , would have gotten the best of me , i am sure , if not for the ones that carried me through that particular turn of the roller coaster . 
vulnerability is risky . it will humble you . ultimately , it will envelope you , carry you , break down walls , and draw you nearer to the people we have been gifted with in our lives . 
it will bless you , and it will bless them . 
vulnerability acknowledges that you are worth fighting for ; that you were made for more . 
likewise , vulnerability speaks to the worth of those with whom we choose to enter into it . 
it feels good to be trusted . 
it feels good to feel necessary , helpful , strong , chosen ; to be invited into intimacy with another person . 
in stepping into being vulnerable , a cycle of life giving relationship ensues ; a cyclical flow of value 

** i am worth fighting for - - >
you are trustworthy and dependable to support me - - >
i feel loved , covered , and affirmed in my worth that you would care enough about me to step into this with me - - >
i feel value and purpose that you would confide in me and see in me , someone approachable ; confident that i would have something of benefit to offer you . . . **

i am thankful for yesterday because i am learning how to not be okay . how to not simply ignore anything unpleasant while on the contrary , not sinking in to pity or sitting stagnant and complacent . 
how to not be taken over by the quick sand of internal processing and self assessment . 

i am thankful for yesterday because i am drowning in a sea of being genuinely and purely known ; of being seen sheerly for my heart - loved for what is there - identity spoken out that i cannot yet see or don't quite yet have the assurance to stand behind . 

don't stop with the feeling . don't stop with the circumstance . don't stop at blame or shame . 
if we do , we may ' move on ' , but the feeling will remain , fester , and inevitably resurface and manifest itself in an even deeper rooted and detrimental way in the future . 

i am frustrated .  why ?
i am sad . why ?
i am hurt . why ?
i am angry . why ?
i am scared . why ?

and on the flip side . . .

i am happy . why ?
i am excited . why ?
i am so encouraged . why ?

it all comes down to identity . the question actually isn't merely ' why ' but . . . what is this saying to me about my identity ? who i am ? do i believe it [ truth or lies - initiated by ourselves or another ] ?

what lie am i believing / do i feel is being called out in me that is not mine to hold ?
what truth am i not believing about myself or The One who made me ?
what does He have to say ?

i am thankful for yesterday because i am learning to allow every moment to be a reciprocal invitation . one i have the opportunity to offer and one i have the opportunity to receive . 

Lord , speak . 
Child , listen . 
Father , help me believe . 
Daughter , I adore you , stay with me , you will see . 

i took these pictures yesterday and initially had them at the beginning of this post with these words , 
' i don't actually like this picture , i mean , it's sort of cool i guess , but it certainly doesn't qualify as pretty . . . '  
i had gone to be in the woods and did not get the scenery i was hoping for . it was barren and dead . rampant ant hills were the only signs of life . . . and thorn bushes constantly scraping at my legs [ if that counts as life ]
it was The Pride Lands of The Lion King under the reign of Scar come to life ; which was fitting for that particular point in the roller coaster . . . but , according to who , was Scar actually deemed as ruler ?
himself and a bunch of stupid hyenas [ and or ' stupid mangey poachers . . .  aka irrelevant . plus the fact that they also eventually turned their backs on him ]
those he ' ruled ' never accepted or acknowledged him as that which he desired to be and while temporarily , at first glance , it looked as if scar was in control , anything beyond a fleeting glance would show otherwise . 

The Lord met me in this place , He allowed me still to sing [ literally . . . ask the hiker that walked by and away with a story to take back to his friends . . ] , He loved me there and Shepherded me to safety . He brought me home that by the end of the night , i might lay my head down to sleep shielded in grace , resting in peace , victorious with Him in another day one . 

it could have been so different and so i look again to the pictures and my soul whispers

beautiful . 

something old something new .

so i had this huge revelation of this thing in my life that hasn't been a thing but from now on is definitely a thing . . in my life . 
it's something i've never really made a habit of , that now i am pursuing and practicing that it would become my new normal - natural . constant . innate . a ' thing ' as if it was never not a thing . 

waiting on The Lord :: 
intentionally asking and inviting Him in to specific details of my life . 
what does He think ? 
what does He say ? about me . . it . . them . . 
He is the huge uncontainable indefinable infinite God - - who sees , is in , and cares about every practicality . 

Lord , do i want to work out ? or do i want to take a nap . . do i want to go to grit ? or do i want to go to yoga . . do i want to watch aladdin or beauty and the beast ?
Lord , what do you want me to say or not say to this person . 
Jesus , i'm feeling rejected right now . . what do you say ?
God , that hurt and i'm angry . . i don't know what i need but you do . . speak to me . 
Holy Spirit , let's go on an adventure . . should i turn left or right here ? straight ? oh yeah , or that too . . 
Lord , so and so drives me nuts . . help me see them as you do , give me grace , and how can i make healthy boundaries with them , what do those look like ?
Should i buy a dog ? can i buy a dog ? what kind ? what should we name it ?!
God , i do **fill in the blank** and i know it's not good for me , i don't want to do it but i can't stop ! why ? what do i think it's accomplishing for me ? what am i not trusting or believing about You ?  what is the lie i'm believing about myself . . .

i get so excited about something , or afraid , or upset and i lay it before Him , spill it all , and ask//beg Him to show up , to rescue me , to move . . . i bring Him my frenzy [ which often tends to just multiply itself in the process ] and then forget to ask and wait for Him to respond so rather than 'leaving' with His Voice , with Peace , with His Heart . . . i 'leave' more burdened and distraught .
the real kicker is that then i become frustrated He 'isn't answering' . that nothing is changing . that i'm not free . when that is in fact , not at all the reality of what's going on . 

most of the time , we are talking at God . . when there is so much more available to us . . the invitation to - His desire  that we would - talk with Him .

there is so much Grace for this . it is a habit we have to practice , learn , instill in ourselves. it does not come naturally and so where i could turn that frustration on to myself and feel guilty and ashamed , instead , i accept the Grace and really , am giddy with excitement to now have realized such an 'oh duh' thing , giggle at myself , thank Him for the revelation . it is not a hindsight realization to be guilty about but a gateway into exponentially more freedom and intimacy . 
we all have to learn it . we all have to pursue it . forget how long it may have taken to get here . . i'm here now and am way more concerned with what it means for the rest of my life . just days in and everything is so different . so new . so alive . 

my own voice is so weak and powerless but when i come under His . . . we are unstoppable . 
if God is for us , who can be against us ? [ romans 8 : 31 ]
He's always been for us . . . for me . but to read the words is one thing . to know a fact is great . but to experience the reality personally ? fact becomes solidified and tangible truth no longer just floating around through your head but now deeply rooted , the very blood flowing , in your heart . 
hear-say is doubtable . 
first hand experience is inarguable . 

today is only day 3 of living in this new discipline and my entire life is completely different . i am completely different .  
i know discipline has a negative connotation and sounds overbearing but i could never even tell you fully or fairly or anywhere near completely , the Freedom i feel . the Peace . the Joy . the weightlessness .
all of the things i have begged , pleaded , and cried for . . wrestled and fought for only to come up anxious frustrated and confused as to why i didn't have them . 
living for The Spirit . craving His fruit [ galatians 5 : 22 - 23 ] . . yet feeling so empty handed and lacking .

we can lay our lives out before Him all day every day but the game changer is whether or not we leave it there . 

pillow talk

this trip has been adventure . it has been joy , laughter , and excitement . 
it has been new places and faces and incredible cups of coffee . 

i speak of it as though all of that is past tense , and while it is , it is also very much still happening and will continue to happen . 

i've lived here before , in this city with many of the same faces . 
but there is so much unknown , and even the known changes . 
i've changed . 

and if someone or something is only remnants of the same . . . is it really the same at all ? 
maybe . i don't have an answer . and maybe the answer is relevant . or irrelevant . 


so far , i have showcased the dreams and shelved the fears as far as you all are concerned but i'll let you in on a not so secret secret .


i am terrified . sometimes slightly , and other times overwhelmingly . 
typing away , i sit on my bed , hair a mess on top of my head and crocodile tears streaming down my face . 
part of me wants to run away . 
quit . change my mind . 
but it hasn't even started yet . 

i struggle with time and in betweens . i like variety but change is hard for me . 
i feel sick in every way and i am completely exhausted . 
each of the little things i am adjusting to bring me so much joy but when they're all thrown together and at me simultaneously , i am overwhelmed . 

i never want to write out of complaint or negativity but i also want to be fair , real , honest , and paint a whole picture . 
so i hope you don't walk away discouraged . 

as much as panic gets the best of me at times , and maybe at this particular time , if we don't acknowledge our emotions , we can't properly deal with them . 

i do not regret or wish to change any part of this . . . i am sick and tired . and a girl . 
i am a znachko girl . and i am me . . . which all boils down to this undeniable fact :: every emotion leads to tears . happy , sad , good , bad , indifferent . . . mix a bunch of those together and ?? get your lifeboats . danger of drowning . 

so cry , but don't forget to breathe . and with each tear clearing blink of your eyes , catch a clear ray of vision [ it's okay that your eyes are filling right back up . . . you'll blink again ] .

cumulatively , life is daunting but if you pick it apart for the little pieces that it is , it's really quite non-threatening . 

call out to Jesus . 
be at peace . 
get some sleep . 
when tomorrow comes , don't allow today to linger . 

oh and also ?? sometimes it's good to call your mom . 

coming home .

it's been several days since i have written . and i have so much to say but at the same time , struggle for the words and it's in those places i know i am not to write . 

i wait for the words to settle and rise in me . . . rather than my chasing them down . 

but , i figured it wouldn't hurt to check in . let you know i am home . safe . still very much here . 

the time and space i have been gifted with to travel , rest , stay , go , be , explore , settle in , and move has been such a welcomed grace . so peaceful .
and peace does not come easy for me . 
i am not good with or at rest . 

being still scares me . 
but not here . 

i thank you for following my journey . for being excited for me and all of what none of us even know it will entail . i am so looking forward to sharing it with you while also realizing what lies ahead of me , what i am already living in and experiencing now , is far beyond communicable . 

i thank you for the grace to ebb and flow in my postings . i have no formula , no schedule , no expectation . . . 

you will get words . sometimes many and sometimes few . 
you will get pictures . sometimes captioned and sometimes not . 

as much as this year is my year , let it be yours as well . take from it what you will , relate to it as you do . as you give me grace , i give the same to you . 
ask questions if you like , participate or observe . 
when life gets busy , come and rest . 

home is so many things .
in so many ways , home is where i have come .
and here is my hope for you . . that my coming home will be a catalyst to , in some form or fashion , a coming home for you too . 

and welcome home to you . 

craving to be seen .

i've always been a girl for simple things . sure i enjoy the occasional extravagance , but when it comes down to it , i prefer things in their simplest state - raw . pure . natural .

which is why it still works that glitter is my favorite color - glitter , in it's simplest form , is still glitter ;)

the days remaining before i move are down to single digits and as i think about packing , i continue to get more and more excited ; the list of reasons quickly expanding . 

road trips. i love road trips . i've done a handful in my life and people think i'm crazy for doing them ' alone ' . 

i have this secret though and my family will understand . . . i'm actually not going alone at all . i'm going with me ! and with all my heart , there is no one else i would rather have for company . 

my dad told me last night that people tune me out for survival . save your sighs and gasps . it's actually anything but offensive , really . as twisted as it may be - i take it as a compliment . 

we live life most closely with ourselves and of anybody that i could have gotten stuck with , i cringe to think that it might have been anyone but me . 

perhaps i'm building my case upholding the ' his statement is not offensive ' claim , and if not , keep following the blog , you'll understand in time ;)

i'm rambling . 

excitement . . . 

my mind has begun to fill my suitcases and while i am excited for what i'll be bringing with me , i'm excited about everything that i'm not taking with me .

as long as i have my ::

1 . bed . 

2 . stuffed animal bunny i've slept with since the day i was born .

3 . books , journals , stamps and stationary 

( okay i also hope i remember my prenatal gummies - they help my hair grow . i swear by them . right after the Bible )

everything else ? insignificant minor details .

i am excited for a simple wardrobe , a room lacking for all the extra clutter and decor .

i'll hit the road just me , Delilah ( my car ) , and Brenda ( i already named my reserved uhaul ) .

the seventeen or so hours are not wasted time and empty space . they are a journey , an adventure inside of , and leading to , an even greater one . 

as i pass through time and space , growing closer to there than here , i envision layers of myself being stripped away - all the extra , all the clutter , all the weights and burdens - ones i can name and ones i don't . 

i see myself arriving bare . raw . ready . 

vulnerability is typically a terrifying thing . . but you know what ? ? i have never been so ready , so wanting , so hungry to be exposed . 

all of my life , i've had this insatiable craving to be hidden 

and all of the sudden , there's this thrill inside of me restless and bursting to be seen . 

for everything there is a season , a time for every activity under the sun [ ecclesiastes 3 : 1 ]

this is my season 

speechless .

i believe with all my heart that The Lord is a romantic . it is not only what He says of Himself but also the reality i live with Him every day .  admittedly , there are days in which i fail to see the romance , but His grace and mercy , unbound by time , are ceaselessly faithful to eventually unveil my blinded eyes , overwhelming my heart and flooding me all the more .

i never didn't want to go to waco . i had actually been accepted into the school back in april but for the time being , disappointedly , i had turned it down . i didn't understand . i had applied several months in advance with confidence and what i believed to be confirmation to do so .   with the press of the ' submit ' button my wild imagination , paired with a cavernous time of waiting , took up quick residence and my dreams ran away with me .

i had plans .
big ones .
grandiose ones . . .[[ i have a theory about this later . hold on to this unfinished thought . ]]

fast forward . 

the call hadn't come yet but there was a sinking , unsettled feeling in my heart .
i wasn't going to waco . that confidence and confirmation had come up with a different conclusion ; an ending i wasn't so excited about but the one that came with peace .

the call came . obedience isn't always easy and or pain free . i turned it down leaving my application filed as ' no ' with an open invitation to be refiled as otherwise . [[ part two of soon to be mentioned theory . hold on to this one too ]]

when i am presented with my ' next steps options ' i worry and weigh and improvise the outcome of each situation . i am not a logistics person but i try to think through them . i fantasize myself in each scenario [ undoubtedly completely unrealistically ] and after all of this hard work , typically , come up with nothing . . besides more exasperation than i began with .

i've boiled it down to one question and am practicing coming to it more quickly , side stepping above mentioned exasperation . the question is this ::

which requires more faith . . in this case . . to stay or to go ??

in april , it was blatantly to stay .

fast forward . 

i , not so coincidentally , ended up at a prayer and worship night at a church an hour away that i had never been to . the service started , the Holy Spirit was invited , and oh did He move . i lost myself in Him , walking out of that place ninety minutes later in somewhat of a daze ; a fog ; it was as if i had come down from the clouds . i have yet to come up with an adequate description of what it was i was feeling but it was disorienting . it doesn't matter what it felt like though because i knew what it was . it was Him . His Presence .

He had found me and enveloped me as i sat alone among strangers in the most inconspicuous of places , where moments before i had sat in the parking lot debating whether or not to go in .

i journaled . i cried . i laughed . i sat still . i soaked it in and on the drive home i celebrated .

i was going to waco .

now , i know i'm not the only one thinking The Lord is looking a bit bipolar and indecisive right now . cue the soon to follow meltdown of  ' what am i doing?! i don't hear the lord (( how's that for discouragement and the pit of despair )) ?!  He's not supposed to change His mind ?! i don't deserve to go to waco ?! ' 

and the ever faithful inevitable finale of . . .
' IM GOING TO DIE '

baby fast forward.

a . i hear The Lord (( and so do you for that matter ))
b . He does not change His mind or contradict Himself .
c . deserve?  revisit grace . . moot point .  &
d . i'm obviously still alive so we won't even worry about addressing that one . . leave a comment if you have any questions there .


i think we can all agree that it is very obvious He is not the bipolar indecisive one and that those two qualities blatantly belong to me .

i was always going to waco .
[[ pause . go grab those two unfinished thoughts i left you with before ]]
this whole process was about exactly that . . the process . the journey . those grandiose dreams ? they had taken His hands off of the plan and went to work replacing them my own messy finger prints .
My Father loves to dream . He loves to dream even more than i do and is capable of even bigger ones than my imagination could ever even dare  . in His dreaming , He created me , and invited me along to do it with Him .
i got ahead of myself and started doing it without Him . what does that do ? it leaves Him out consequently shrinking and limiting my dreams which is unsatisfying to Him .
that romance ? i could have argued with you kicking , screaming , moping , and crying , that it just wasn't there the day i turned my acceptance down .
thankfully i didn't because that brings us to the ' eventually ' . the eventually is not on His part but mine , the grace is that He willingly sticks out the ' eventually ' anticipating that ' ohhhhhhhhh , thaat's what You were doing . ' moment with all the rosiness of my cheeks as they sheepishly blush in the humbling reappointing Him to the throne and getting my butt off of it .

I took waco from Him and all He wanted to do was give it to me . He wanted to give me a gift in all of it's fullness , in all of His glory , in all of His love .
He never changed His mind , but there was more going on than the decision of whether or not to go to Waco .
it wasn't right or wrong .
it wasn't life or death .

it was , every step of the way , every piece of the puzzle , every unfinished thought and moment of feeling forgotten , for the sake of sweeping me off my feet .

it is now those moments that felt forsaken that i look back and know i was ' most ' intimately and vulnerably seen .
provided for .
carried .
held .

this adventure is now the invitation it was always meant to be ,

 come away with me . . [ mark 6:31 ]

let me show you just how big i love you . 

He loves to see me speechless ,

and Lord knows He's the only one capable of getting me that way .