something old something new .

so i had this huge revelation of this thing in my life that hasn't been a thing but from now on is definitely a thing . . in my life . 
it's something i've never really made a habit of , that now i am pursuing and practicing that it would become my new normal - natural . constant . innate . a ' thing ' as if it was never not a thing . 

waiting on The Lord :: 
intentionally asking and inviting Him in to specific details of my life . 
what does He think ? 
what does He say ? about me . . it . . them . . 
He is the huge uncontainable indefinable infinite God - - who sees , is in , and cares about every practicality . 

Lord , do i want to work out ? or do i want to take a nap . . do i want to go to grit ? or do i want to go to yoga . . do i want to watch aladdin or beauty and the beast ?
Lord , what do you want me to say or not say to this person . 
Jesus , i'm feeling rejected right now . . what do you say ?
God , that hurt and i'm angry . . i don't know what i need but you do . . speak to me . 
Holy Spirit , let's go on an adventure . . should i turn left or right here ? straight ? oh yeah , or that too . . 
Lord , so and so drives me nuts . . help me see them as you do , give me grace , and how can i make healthy boundaries with them , what do those look like ?
Should i buy a dog ? can i buy a dog ? what kind ? what should we name it ?!
God , i do **fill in the blank** and i know it's not good for me , i don't want to do it but i can't stop ! why ? what do i think it's accomplishing for me ? what am i not trusting or believing about You ?  what is the lie i'm believing about myself . . .

i get so excited about something , or afraid , or upset and i lay it before Him , spill it all , and ask//beg Him to show up , to rescue me , to move . . . i bring Him my frenzy [ which often tends to just multiply itself in the process ] and then forget to ask and wait for Him to respond so rather than 'leaving' with His Voice , with Peace , with His Heart . . . i 'leave' more burdened and distraught .
the real kicker is that then i become frustrated He 'isn't answering' . that nothing is changing . that i'm not free . when that is in fact , not at all the reality of what's going on . 

most of the time , we are talking at God . . when there is so much more available to us . . the invitation to - His desire  that we would - talk with Him .

there is so much Grace for this . it is a habit we have to practice , learn , instill in ourselves. it does not come naturally and so where i could turn that frustration on to myself and feel guilty and ashamed , instead , i accept the Grace and really , am giddy with excitement to now have realized such an 'oh duh' thing , giggle at myself , thank Him for the revelation . it is not a hindsight realization to be guilty about but a gateway into exponentially more freedom and intimacy . 
we all have to learn it . we all have to pursue it . forget how long it may have taken to get here . . i'm here now and am way more concerned with what it means for the rest of my life . just days in and everything is so different . so new . so alive . 

my own voice is so weak and powerless but when i come under His . . . we are unstoppable . 
if God is for us , who can be against us ? [ romans 8 : 31 ]
He's always been for us . . . for me . but to read the words is one thing . to know a fact is great . but to experience the reality personally ? fact becomes solidified and tangible truth no longer just floating around through your head but now deeply rooted , the very blood flowing , in your heart . 
hear-say is doubtable . 
first hand experience is inarguable . 

today is only day 3 of living in this new discipline and my entire life is completely different . i am completely different .  
i know discipline has a negative connotation and sounds overbearing but i could never even tell you fully or fairly or anywhere near completely , the Freedom i feel . the Peace . the Joy . the weightlessness .
all of the things i have begged , pleaded , and cried for . . wrestled and fought for only to come up anxious frustrated and confused as to why i didn't have them . 
living for The Spirit . craving His fruit [ galatians 5 : 22 - 23 ] . . yet feeling so empty handed and lacking .

we can lay our lives out before Him all day every day but the game changer is whether or not we leave it there . 

pillow talk

this trip has been adventure . it has been joy , laughter , and excitement . 
it has been new places and faces and incredible cups of coffee . 

i speak of it as though all of that is past tense , and while it is , it is also very much still happening and will continue to happen . 

i've lived here before , in this city with many of the same faces . 
but there is so much unknown , and even the known changes . 
i've changed . 

and if someone or something is only remnants of the same . . . is it really the same at all ? 
maybe . i don't have an answer . and maybe the answer is relevant . or irrelevant . 


so far , i have showcased the dreams and shelved the fears as far as you all are concerned but i'll let you in on a not so secret secret .


i am terrified . sometimes slightly , and other times overwhelmingly . 
typing away , i sit on my bed , hair a mess on top of my head and crocodile tears streaming down my face . 
part of me wants to run away . 
quit . change my mind . 
but it hasn't even started yet . 

i struggle with time and in betweens . i like variety but change is hard for me . 
i feel sick in every way and i am completely exhausted . 
each of the little things i am adjusting to bring me so much joy but when they're all thrown together and at me simultaneously , i am overwhelmed . 

i never want to write out of complaint or negativity but i also want to be fair , real , honest , and paint a whole picture . 
so i hope you don't walk away discouraged . 

as much as panic gets the best of me at times , and maybe at this particular time , if we don't acknowledge our emotions , we can't properly deal with them . 

i do not regret or wish to change any part of this . . . i am sick and tired . and a girl . 
i am a znachko girl . and i am me . . . which all boils down to this undeniable fact :: every emotion leads to tears . happy , sad , good , bad , indifferent . . . mix a bunch of those together and ?? get your lifeboats . danger of drowning . 

so cry , but don't forget to breathe . and with each tear clearing blink of your eyes , catch a clear ray of vision [ it's okay that your eyes are filling right back up . . . you'll blink again ] .

cumulatively , life is daunting but if you pick it apart for the little pieces that it is , it's really quite non-threatening . 

call out to Jesus . 
be at peace . 
get some sleep . 
when tomorrow comes , don't allow today to linger . 

oh and also ?? sometimes it's good to call your mom . 

craving to be seen .

i've always been a girl for simple things . sure i enjoy the occasional extravagance , but when it comes down to it , i prefer things in their simplest state - raw . pure . natural .

which is why it still works that glitter is my favorite color - glitter , in it's simplest form , is still glitter ;)

the days remaining before i move are down to single digits and as i think about packing , i continue to get more and more excited ; the list of reasons quickly expanding . 

road trips. i love road trips . i've done a handful in my life and people think i'm crazy for doing them ' alone ' . 

i have this secret though and my family will understand . . . i'm actually not going alone at all . i'm going with me ! and with all my heart , there is no one else i would rather have for company . 

my dad told me last night that people tune me out for survival . save your sighs and gasps . it's actually anything but offensive , really . as twisted as it may be - i take it as a compliment . 

we live life most closely with ourselves and of anybody that i could have gotten stuck with , i cringe to think that it might have been anyone but me . 

perhaps i'm building my case upholding the ' his statement is not offensive ' claim , and if not , keep following the blog , you'll understand in time ;)

i'm rambling . 

excitement . . . 

my mind has begun to fill my suitcases and while i am excited for what i'll be bringing with me , i'm excited about everything that i'm not taking with me .

as long as i have my ::

1 . bed . 

2 . stuffed animal bunny i've slept with since the day i was born .

3 . books , journals , stamps and stationary 

( okay i also hope i remember my prenatal gummies - they help my hair grow . i swear by them . right after the Bible )

everything else ? insignificant minor details .

i am excited for a simple wardrobe , a room lacking for all the extra clutter and decor .

i'll hit the road just me , Delilah ( my car ) , and Brenda ( i already named my reserved uhaul ) .

the seventeen or so hours are not wasted time and empty space . they are a journey , an adventure inside of , and leading to , an even greater one . 

as i pass through time and space , growing closer to there than here , i envision layers of myself being stripped away - all the extra , all the clutter , all the weights and burdens - ones i can name and ones i don't . 

i see myself arriving bare . raw . ready . 

vulnerability is typically a terrifying thing . . but you know what ? ? i have never been so ready , so wanting , so hungry to be exposed . 

all of my life , i've had this insatiable craving to be hidden 

and all of the sudden , there's this thrill inside of me restless and bursting to be seen . 

for everything there is a season , a time for every activity under the sun [ ecclesiastes 3 : 1 ]

this is my season 

what if . .

we believed God is all He said He is .
i mean like . . . every last letter of every last Word .
what if it pulsed through our bodies from the outward most point of those fly away hairs down and out through our tippiest toes .

maybe that's too much to ask . that's a lot of letters to bank on . maybe we could just hang on to doubting a few things . . .
hmm.
okay . so what if we acted like we believed He is all He says He is .

we've all had our fare share of practice at faking things , most of us are pretty good at it . we all have our areas of expertise . .

when we pray and we invite the Spirit to come , He never fails to take up the offer . He does not hesitate to take up full residence . and how much more so when we invite others to do the same on our behalves.
bull in a china shop .

i couldn't sleep last night and i won't carry on about it but sleep and i have been on rocky terms for over a decade now . sometimes it's nightmares that would put your finest horror films to shame . sometimes it's restlessness and anxieties . sometimes i have no idea what it is . and sometimes , it is deep and intimate communion with the Father .
i have a problem with keeping still for more than .2 seconds during the day so i think He takes full advantage of the opportunity . { personally i'm a fan of when He does so in dreams , meaning i get to also be sleeping - multitasking . but i'll go with sentence one and believe He knows what He's doing . }

i woke up with this convicting [ note** author did not say condemning **] whisper repeating through my mind

stop planning for ' incase I don't show up '

let it repeat itself a few times in your own head . really absorb it . a short phrase not so short on impact .

we have our things that are harder to fully surrender to God , the ones we kind of fake like we've given to Him but really our hands are want of circulation for the vice grip we continue to hold on with . ' here you go God ' . . .
we create ' plan B ' and make a fool of no one but ourselves .

there is no plan B . it's just not a thing . when plan B is put in place , plan A really just goes out the window .
He goes out the window and we rob ourselves of His power in our lives .

we act out of our expectations . and our expectations are born out of our beliefs .
( i wasn't meaning to make a reference but , this actually goes hand in hand with a podcast i listened to the other day by Russ Snyder )

The Lord is working very diligently in my life in specific areas . He is a God of detail and i am feeling extremely vulnerable , exposed , and were He anyone but Himself , i would be claiming all sorts of violation . [ john 15 : 2 ] but this is a blog , not a novel and most definitely not a double digits book long series
but .

here was my challenge , and i share it with you ::

trust me , greater than you fear your fears . 
face them . choose me .
jump . I have already caught you . 
I have healed you many times before , watch , I want to do it again . 
let me show off for you . 

no back up plans , no ' just in cases ' 
one day . give me one day just you and Me . 
risk expecting that I'll show up . . risk believing that I'm already there . 

I dare you . 

You'll be glad you did and forget what you ever even feared .