yesterday was a bit of a roller coaster . the morning started off one way , the afternoon turned another , and the night ended in an entirely different way .
at some point , every emotion was experienced in full .
highs .
lows .
some lingered while others simply stopped long enough to make themselves known and move on .
whether uncontainable joy , burning anger , gut wrenching hurt , seemingly hopeless discouragement , physical pain , or the whiplash of fast - forward speed mental processing and realization , i wake up this morning and i do not wish the day away . i do not regret any of my own negative contribution and i do not resent that of any others . it is not merely a focus on the mountains and denial of the valleys , i am thankful for it all .
every emotion , whether the way it manifests be healthy or accurate as to how it is we are truly feeling at the bottom of it all , is born out of valid purpose .
it is okay to not be okay .
it is okay to feel weak and to lean on those [ who are safe to lean on ] around you .
it is pride and deception to think we can make it on our own .
the weaknesses i felt yesterday , the hopelessness and discouragement , would have gotten the best of me , i am sure , if not for the ones that carried me through that particular turn of the roller coaster .
vulnerability is risky . it will humble you . ultimately , it will envelope you , carry you , break down walls , and draw you nearer to the people we have been gifted with in our lives .
it will bless you , and it will bless them .
vulnerability acknowledges that you are worth fighting for ; that you were made for more .
likewise , vulnerability speaks to the worth of those with whom we choose to enter into it .
it feels good to be trusted .
it feels good to feel necessary , helpful , strong , chosen ; to be invited into intimacy with another person .
in stepping into being vulnerable , a cycle of life giving relationship ensues ; a cyclical flow of value
** i am worth fighting for - - >
you are trustworthy and dependable to support me - - >
i feel loved , covered , and affirmed in my worth that you would care enough about me to step into this with me - - >
i feel value and purpose that you would confide in me and see in me , someone approachable ; confident that i would have something of benefit to offer you . . . **
i am thankful for yesterday because i am learning how to not be okay . how to not simply ignore anything unpleasant while on the contrary , not sinking in to pity or sitting stagnant and complacent .
how to not be taken over by the quick sand of internal processing and self assessment .
i am thankful for yesterday because i am drowning in a sea of being genuinely and purely known ; of being seen sheerly for my heart - loved for what is there - identity spoken out that i cannot yet see or don't quite yet have the assurance to stand behind .
don't stop with the feeling . don't stop with the circumstance . don't stop at blame or shame .
if we do , we may ' move on ' , but the feeling will remain , fester , and inevitably resurface and manifest itself in an even deeper rooted and detrimental way in the future .
i am frustrated . why ?
i am sad . why ?
i am hurt . why ?
i am angry . why ?
i am scared . why ?
and on the flip side . . .
i am happy . why ?
i am excited . why ?
i am so encouraged . why ?
it all comes down to identity . the question actually isn't merely ' why ' but . . . what is this saying to me about my identity ? who i am ? do i believe it [ truth or lies - initiated by ourselves or another ] ?
what lie am i believing / do i feel is being called out in me that is not mine to hold ?
what truth am i not believing about myself or The One who made me ?
what does He have to say ?
i am thankful for yesterday because i am learning to allow every moment to be a reciprocal invitation . one i have the opportunity to offer and one i have the opportunity to receive .
Lord , speak .
Child , listen .
Father , help me believe .
Daughter , I adore you , stay with me , you will see .
i took these pictures yesterday and initially had them at the beginning of this post with these words ,
' i don't actually like this picture , i mean , it's sort of cool i guess , but it certainly doesn't qualify as pretty . . . '
i had gone to be in the woods and did not get the scenery i was hoping for . it was barren and dead . rampant ant hills were the only signs of life . . . and thorn bushes constantly scraping at my legs [ if that counts as life ]
it was The Pride Lands of The Lion King under the reign of Scar come to life ; which was fitting for that particular point in the roller coaster . . . but , according to who , was Scar actually deemed as ruler ?
himself and a bunch of stupid hyenas [ and or ' stupid mangey poachers . . . aka irrelevant . plus the fact that they also eventually turned their backs on him ]
those he ' ruled ' never accepted or acknowledged him as that which he desired to be and while temporarily , at first glance , it looked as if scar was in control , anything beyond a fleeting glance would show otherwise .
The Lord met me in this place , He allowed me still to sing [ literally . . . ask the hiker that walked by and away with a story to take back to his friends . . ] , He loved me there and Shepherded me to safety . He brought me home that by the end of the night , i might lay my head down to sleep shielded in grace , resting in peace , victorious with Him in another day one .
it could have been so different and so i look again to the pictures and my soul whispers
beautiful .
since being in waco , it's become a thing to make my bed and pick up my room every morning . i enjoy it . it brings a sense of peace in both how i personally feel but also the feel of my room . it's not chaotic to look at so it isn't chaotic to walk in to or be around . and at night , when the day is done it is a warm and welcoming invitation to pull back the covers , gather my stuffed animals , re-place my pillow , crawl in to and be safely swept away in sleep . all of that to lead up to and say , this morning i was met with a delightful release from The Lord to take the day off and to rest . i see Him with a smile on His face and hear Him whisper with a twinkle in His eye , ' hey baby , don't worry about making your bed today . . . if you find yourself wanting to pick up the floor sometime later this afternoon , great . but only if you want to ;) '
it's like getting flowers from your boyfriend . . . but also not at all because it's that much better .
and i smile to think it started with obedience , discipline , and good stewardship .
there's that ' discipline ' word again . . . see ?! it's really not so bad !
without it , this mornings invitation would have had no means by which to exist .
domineering and legalistic . . . . it just isn't who He is .
this trip has been adventure . it has been joy , laughter , and excitement .
it has been new places and faces and incredible cups of coffee .
i speak of it as though all of that is past tense , and while it is , it is also very much still happening and will continue to happen .
i've lived here before , in this city with many of the same faces .
but there is so much unknown , and even the known changes .
i've changed .
and if someone or something is only remnants of the same . . . is it really the same at all ?
maybe . i don't have an answer . and maybe the answer is relevant . or irrelevant .
so far , i have showcased the dreams and shelved the fears as far as you all are concerned but i'll let you in on a not so secret secret .
i am terrified . sometimes slightly , and other times overwhelmingly .
typing away , i sit on my bed , hair a mess on top of my head and crocodile tears streaming down my face .
part of me wants to run away .
quit . change my mind .
but it hasn't even started yet .
i struggle with time and in betweens . i like variety but change is hard for me .
i feel sick in every way and i am completely exhausted .
each of the little things i am adjusting to bring me so much joy but when they're all thrown together and at me simultaneously , i am overwhelmed .
i never want to write out of complaint or negativity but i also want to be fair , real , honest , and paint a whole picture .
so i hope you don't walk away discouraged .
as much as panic gets the best of me at times , and maybe at this particular time , if we don't acknowledge our emotions , we can't properly deal with them .
i do not regret or wish to change any part of this . . . i am sick and tired . and a girl .
i am a znachko girl . and i am me . . . which all boils down to this undeniable fact :: every emotion leads to tears . happy , sad , good , bad , indifferent . . . mix a bunch of those together and ?? get your lifeboats . danger of drowning .
so cry , but don't forget to breathe . and with each tear clearing blink of your eyes , catch a clear ray of vision [ it's okay that your eyes are filling right back up . . . you'll blink again ] .
cumulatively , life is daunting but if you pick it apart for the little pieces that it is , it's really quite non-threatening .
call out to Jesus .
be at peace .
get some sleep .
when tomorrow comes , don't allow today to linger .
oh and also ?? sometimes it's good to call your mom .
it's been several days since i have written . and i have so much to say but at the same time , struggle for the words and it's in those places i know i am not to write .
i wait for the words to settle and rise in me . . . rather than my chasing them down .
but , i figured it wouldn't hurt to check in . let you know i am home . safe . still very much here .
the time and space i have been gifted with to travel , rest , stay , go , be , explore , settle in , and move has been such a welcomed grace . so peaceful .
and peace does not come easy for me .
i am not good with or at rest .
being still scares me .
but not here .
i thank you for following my journey . for being excited for me and all of what none of us even know it will entail . i am so looking forward to sharing it with you while also realizing what lies ahead of me , what i am already living in and experiencing now , is far beyond communicable .
i thank you for the grace to ebb and flow in my postings . i have no formula , no schedule , no expectation . . .
you will get words . sometimes many and sometimes few .
you will get pictures . sometimes captioned and sometimes not .
as much as this year is my year , let it be yours as well . take from it what you will , relate to it as you do . as you give me grace , i give the same to you .
ask questions if you like , participate or observe .
when life gets busy , come and rest .
home is so many things .
in so many ways , home is where i have come .
and here is my hope for you . . that my coming home will be a catalyst to , in some form or fashion , a coming home for you too .
and welcome home to you .
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