a barren place called beautiful

yesterday was a bit of a roller coaster . the morning started off one way , the afternoon turned another , and the night ended in an entirely different way . 
at some point , every emotion was experienced in full . 
highs . 
lows . 
some lingered while others simply stopped long enough to make themselves known and move on .

whether uncontainable joy , burning anger , gut wrenching hurt , seemingly hopeless discouragement , physical pain , or the whiplash of  fast - forward speed mental processing and realization , i wake up this morning and i do not wish the day away . i do not regret any of my own negative contribution and i do not resent that of any others . it is not merely a focus on the mountains and denial of the valleys , i am thankful for it all . 
every emotion , whether the way it manifests be healthy or accurate as to how it is we are truly feeling at the bottom of it all , is born out of valid purpose . 
it is okay to not be okay . 
it is okay to feel weak and to lean on those [ who are safe to lean on ] around you . 
it is pride and deception to think we can make it on our own . 
the weaknesses i felt yesterday , the hopelessness and discouragement , would have gotten the best of me , i am sure , if not for the ones that carried me through that particular turn of the roller coaster . 
vulnerability is risky . it will humble you . ultimately , it will envelope you , carry you , break down walls , and draw you nearer to the people we have been gifted with in our lives . 
it will bless you , and it will bless them . 
vulnerability acknowledges that you are worth fighting for ; that you were made for more . 
likewise , vulnerability speaks to the worth of those with whom we choose to enter into it . 
it feels good to be trusted . 
it feels good to feel necessary , helpful , strong , chosen ; to be invited into intimacy with another person . 
in stepping into being vulnerable , a cycle of life giving relationship ensues ; a cyclical flow of value 

** i am worth fighting for - - >
you are trustworthy and dependable to support me - - >
i feel loved , covered , and affirmed in my worth that you would care enough about me to step into this with me - - >
i feel value and purpose that you would confide in me and see in me , someone approachable ; confident that i would have something of benefit to offer you . . . **

i am thankful for yesterday because i am learning how to not be okay . how to not simply ignore anything unpleasant while on the contrary , not sinking in to pity or sitting stagnant and complacent . 
how to not be taken over by the quick sand of internal processing and self assessment . 

i am thankful for yesterday because i am drowning in a sea of being genuinely and purely known ; of being seen sheerly for my heart - loved for what is there - identity spoken out that i cannot yet see or don't quite yet have the assurance to stand behind . 

don't stop with the feeling . don't stop with the circumstance . don't stop at blame or shame . 
if we do , we may ' move on ' , but the feeling will remain , fester , and inevitably resurface and manifest itself in an even deeper rooted and detrimental way in the future . 

i am frustrated .  why ?
i am sad . why ?
i am hurt . why ?
i am angry . why ?
i am scared . why ?

and on the flip side . . .

i am happy . why ?
i am excited . why ?
i am so encouraged . why ?

it all comes down to identity . the question actually isn't merely ' why ' but . . . what is this saying to me about my identity ? who i am ? do i believe it [ truth or lies - initiated by ourselves or another ] ?

what lie am i believing / do i feel is being called out in me that is not mine to hold ?
what truth am i not believing about myself or The One who made me ?
what does He have to say ?

i am thankful for yesterday because i am learning to allow every moment to be a reciprocal invitation . one i have the opportunity to offer and one i have the opportunity to receive . 

Lord , speak . 
Child , listen . 
Father , help me believe . 
Daughter , I adore you , stay with me , you will see . 

i took these pictures yesterday and initially had them at the beginning of this post with these words , 
' i don't actually like this picture , i mean , it's sort of cool i guess , but it certainly doesn't qualify as pretty . . . '  
i had gone to be in the woods and did not get the scenery i was hoping for . it was barren and dead . rampant ant hills were the only signs of life . . . and thorn bushes constantly scraping at my legs [ if that counts as life ]
it was The Pride Lands of The Lion King under the reign of Scar come to life ; which was fitting for that particular point in the roller coaster . . . but , according to who , was Scar actually deemed as ruler ?
himself and a bunch of stupid hyenas [ and or ' stupid mangey poachers . . .  aka irrelevant . plus the fact that they also eventually turned their backs on him ]
those he ' ruled ' never accepted or acknowledged him as that which he desired to be and while temporarily , at first glance , it looked as if scar was in control , anything beyond a fleeting glance would show otherwise . 

The Lord met me in this place , He allowed me still to sing [ literally . . . ask the hiker that walked by and away with a story to take back to his friends . . ] , He loved me there and Shepherded me to safety . He brought me home that by the end of the night , i might lay my head down to sleep shielded in grace , resting in peace , victorious with Him in another day one . 

it could have been so different and so i look again to the pictures and my soul whispers

beautiful . 

discipline and a little holy rebellion .

since being in waco , it's become a thing to make my bed and pick up my room every morning . i enjoy it . it brings a sense of peace in both how i personally feel but also the feel of my room . it's not chaotic to look at so it isn't chaotic to walk in to or be around . and at night , when the day is done it is a warm and welcoming invitation to pull back the covers , gather my stuffed animals , re-place my pillow , crawl in to and be safely swept away in sleep . all of that to lead up to and say , this morning i was met with a delightful release from The Lord to take the day off and to rest . i see Him with a smile on His face and hear Him whisper with a twinkle in His eye , ' hey baby , don't worry about making your bed today . . . if you find yourself wanting to pick up the floor sometime later this afternoon , great . but only if you want to ;) '

it's like getting flowers from your boyfriend . . . but also not at all because it's that much better . 

and i smile to think it started with obedience , discipline , and good stewardship . 

there's that ' discipline ' word again . . . see ?! it's really not so bad !
without it , this mornings invitation would have had no means by which to exist . 

domineering and legalistic . . . . it just isn't who He is .

coming home .

it's been several days since i have written . and i have so much to say but at the same time , struggle for the words and it's in those places i know i am not to write . 

i wait for the words to settle and rise in me . . . rather than my chasing them down . 

but , i figured it wouldn't hurt to check in . let you know i am home . safe . still very much here . 

the time and space i have been gifted with to travel , rest , stay , go , be , explore , settle in , and move has been such a welcomed grace . so peaceful .
and peace does not come easy for me . 
i am not good with or at rest . 

being still scares me . 
but not here . 

i thank you for following my journey . for being excited for me and all of what none of us even know it will entail . i am so looking forward to sharing it with you while also realizing what lies ahead of me , what i am already living in and experiencing now , is far beyond communicable . 

i thank you for the grace to ebb and flow in my postings . i have no formula , no schedule , no expectation . . . 

you will get words . sometimes many and sometimes few . 
you will get pictures . sometimes captioned and sometimes not . 

as much as this year is my year , let it be yours as well . take from it what you will , relate to it as you do . as you give me grace , i give the same to you . 
ask questions if you like , participate or observe . 
when life gets busy , come and rest . 

home is so many things .
in so many ways , home is where i have come .
and here is my hope for you . . that my coming home will be a catalyst to , in some form or fashion , a coming home for you too . 

and welcome home to you . 

this is whimsy .

saving money is a great thing . but just as spending can become an issue , so can how tightly we hold on to that saved money . . . which tends to be the side of the issue i find myself on .

and so . sometimes you're walking out of class at pure barre no different than any other day until . . simultaneously as your foot crosses from the carpet studio floor to the wood of the lobby your eyes catch a glimpse in their peripheal vision and your heart thinks 

wait , is that ?! . . . are those ?! . . . 

oh.

good.

grief.

they aree.

pink and grey alo leggings. 

you have to.

you can't.

and then your friends tell you have to and you tell them you can't . 

i'm not saying this should be the thought process for every purchase but then something else piped in . . .

they match your blog . 

i do not believe in a stingy God in fact He is the complete opposite . He is lavish and He loves to love us . He spoils us through His Spirit and sometimes , as i learn to and practice trusting Him with my money sometimes He shows up out of the blue and says , 

doll . the moneys Mine to begin with and that $xx ?? you're only saving it because you think there just might come a time you need that exact amount of cash and I won't show up and well . i like to prove you wrong . 

let Me buy you one of your favorite things . . they match your blog ;)

and please . . try to enjoy them . [ this was dripping with sarcasm as the leggings were already my new favorite possession before they ever even ran my credit card . ]

this . is whimsy .

tank : http://lilyandsparrowboutique.com
leggings : http://www.aloyoga.com