discipline and a little holy rebellion .

since being in waco , it's become a thing to make my bed and pick up my room every morning . i enjoy it . it brings a sense of peace in both how i personally feel but also the feel of my room . it's not chaotic to look at so it isn't chaotic to walk in to or be around . and at night , when the day is done it is a warm and welcoming invitation to pull back the covers , gather my stuffed animals , re-place my pillow , crawl in to and be safely swept away in sleep . all of that to lead up to and say , this morning i was met with a delightful release from The Lord to take the day off and to rest . i see Him with a smile on His face and hear Him whisper with a twinkle in His eye , ' hey baby , don't worry about making your bed today . . . if you find yourself wanting to pick up the floor sometime later this afternoon , great . but only if you want to ;) '

it's like getting flowers from your boyfriend . . . but also not at all because it's that much better . 

and i smile to think it started with obedience , discipline , and good stewardship . 

there's that ' discipline ' word again . . . see ?! it's really not so bad !
without it , this mornings invitation would have had no means by which to exist . 

domineering and legalistic . . . . it just isn't who He is .

coming home .

it's been several days since i have written . and i have so much to say but at the same time , struggle for the words and it's in those places i know i am not to write . 

i wait for the words to settle and rise in me . . . rather than my chasing them down . 

but , i figured it wouldn't hurt to check in . let you know i am home . safe . still very much here . 

the time and space i have been gifted with to travel , rest , stay , go , be , explore , settle in , and move has been such a welcomed grace . so peaceful .
and peace does not come easy for me . 
i am not good with or at rest . 

being still scares me . 
but not here . 

i thank you for following my journey . for being excited for me and all of what none of us even know it will entail . i am so looking forward to sharing it with you while also realizing what lies ahead of me , what i am already living in and experiencing now , is far beyond communicable . 

i thank you for the grace to ebb and flow in my postings . i have no formula , no schedule , no expectation . . . 

you will get words . sometimes many and sometimes few . 
you will get pictures . sometimes captioned and sometimes not . 

as much as this year is my year , let it be yours as well . take from it what you will , relate to it as you do . as you give me grace , i give the same to you . 
ask questions if you like , participate or observe . 
when life gets busy , come and rest . 

home is so many things .
in so many ways , home is where i have come .
and here is my hope for you . . that my coming home will be a catalyst to , in some form or fashion , a coming home for you too . 

and welcome home to you . 

collecting seasons

i used to hate when people talked about ' seasons ' of life .
' i'm just in this season of ______ '
oh please .

it seemed to me to be a cop-out , go-to , cliche , easy christian answer to whatever was currently going on in the life of whoever's mouth the phrase was coming out of . 

see , when i heard the phrase , i heard :: 
' i hate my life right now , it's really hard and none of it makes any sense . i have no idea what God is doing and i'm kind of mad at Him for whatever it is . but watch this thing i can do , i'm going to whip out this phrase and it's going to be like this bandaid i slap over it all and pretend i'm this saintly soul that gets God and am totally cool with whatever it is He wants to do , however He wants to do it , and however long He wants to do it for .
basically , God makes no sense but with this phrase , I will pretend that He does and though no one else understands Him , I actually do . and so , i am in this season of _______  . '

spare me , i don't buy it . 

well , you might be surprised to hear i was a little bitter , hurt , jaded , and really every other synonym that would fit to follow . that whole schpeel that i interpreted from a few simple words ? in reality wasn't what they were implying at all . it was however , everything i was feeling about my own life . ( surprise. ) 
frustrated . stuck . manipulated . controlled . used . 
a doll being pulled and thrown wherever , played with however whomever might choose . 

yet through The Father by His grace , resilience , perseverance , might , and tenderness i have learned to embrace every season , for all that they are in their temporary passings by :: intentional , necessary , purposed , and so much more . 
and they are simply seasons .
they begin and they end and as we whether them , we collect them . 

i have also learned that we will never be brought into our next season if we have not acknowledged and given ourselves fully to the one that we are presently in . 

sometimes the transition is subtle and slow while other times it it is blatant and abrupt .

today i cross a very clear boundary out of my current season and in to the next that awaits me , anticipating my arrival . excited in all of it's glory , solely for me .

' i am lost , but not alone . '

i often feel lost , which tends to lead to feeling alone , but every time i approach the end of a season , it becomes so apparent to me that that was never the case at all and i am freshly reminded , that it never will be ( despite how quickly i will forget this truth , yet again . )

i want to thank those who have loved me in this season in too many ways to adequately communicate and thoroughly recall .

some are meant for a solitary season and some we carry with us from one to the next and my heart is full with those that fit the latter scenario . those that have loved me in all of my forms , in all of my extremes , and who will cross this boundary with me tomorrow , continuing to do the same .  

i also want to thank you for inviting me in to do the same for you . 
location and distance , though helpful are disposable . 
souls are uncontainable . 

when you think of someone , let them know . 
when you see something good in someone , call it out . 
pursue and know that you are worth pursuing . 
speak graciously and share your voice on behalf of the voiceless . 

celebrates the lives around you . submit yourself to be teachable and to live humble . live your life to leave a legacy , one that invites those around you to share it and carry it on . 

http://www.duckanddressing.com

i pray , as was said of the disciples , the world would say of me , 
she has been with Jesus . [ acts 4 : 13 ]

getting grateful .

to be honest , i was having a rough day yesterday and when i have those days there typically comes the point that i become frustrated with myself exasperatedly thinking ,  ' what ?! is wrong with me ?! ' 

the question was to myself as much as it was to Him .

i stopped for a minute . i grabbed my phone and headphones . i needed to take a walk . 

' i'll go listen to a podcast . . . no i don't want to listen to a podcast . '

strike one . 

' okay . . i'll take my book . . . no , i don't want to do that either . '

strike two . 

' i just really need to listen to worship . '

ding ! ding ! ding !

shoes tied , i headed down the driveway . i am abundantly blessed by the yard i get to look at everyday and the eyes in my head that are able to see it . 

i like to think of it as my secret and/or fairy garden . there are a couple of spots in particular that are especially fairy-garden-esque .

one being the creek that flows through the front yard . 

i paused on the bridge , leaned over to watch the fish , then closed my eyes and took a breathe . 

Jesus . . . [[ ' breathe ' meaning a deep inhale with more of a whimpering plea than a true exhale ]] . 

gratitude . i needed to get to a place of gratitude . 

worship playing (( and eyes open )) , i set off looking at a screen of a new , very blank note on my phone . 

my list began slow and reluctant . pitiful really . but i had been given an invitation and decided to take it and in-so doing , offering an invitation was returned .  His acceptance was not so hesitant . a song began . . . 

pink .

legs to walk with You . 

extensions . 

things to be thankful for . 

grace for the infinitely overwhelming amount and magnitude of things around me to be thankful for and yet , i start with ' pink ' . 

not living downtown so i can more clearly see the sky . 

new beginnings . the purpose in the process of being patient for their arrival and the faith to choose to believe it's there . 

learning to laugh at myself . 

giggling with You . 

redemption . 

lifted burdens and unbound bondage . 

provision . 

You are bigger . . than me . than it . than them .  

victory . 

Your Spirit , making You undeniably real . 

creativity . mine and others . 

Your patience and Your persistence with me. 

Your intimacy with me . 

Your promise of and character to never withhold Yourself from me .

drawing me when i reject You . time and time again . 

choosing me . 

stillness in the midst of chaos . 

Your immovability . 

that in the joy and in the pain , You are here . holding me . surrounding me on all sides . 

that with You , I have ' exceedingly abundantly ' all I ever need . 

[[ ephesians 3:20 ]]

comfort . the comfort of Yourself and the tangible blessings You move through . 

You welcome my honesty . You care ,fully and tenderly about and for ,  my broken breaking heart . 

You seek me . initiate with me . miss me when I'm not around and invite me in . 

You don't dispose , You hold . 

You don't patch , You heal .

You deal with me deeply and completely . 

You do not let me hide . 

You reveal my fears as the lies that they are rather than the protection i am deceived to see them as . 

You say I'm important , on purpose , with purpose , and Your Word is true , final , and forever .

Your Word*s* when i cannot form my own . 

that You are worship .

You are whimsy . 

and You are wild . 

you see , i was asking the wrong question and going about it completely the wrong way . 

a . there wasn't anything wrong with me . not in the condenming way my mind was shouting the question. & . whatever was wrong , wasn't mine to ' fix ' .

b. i didn't need someone else in my ear or words on a page telling me about Jesus . i needed Jesus . 

i didn't come back from my walk skipping , happy and ' all better ' . none of the reality of what i was feeling went away , but now it wasn't the focus . 

i had left defeated but i came back certain .

[[ The Lord your God among you is powerful - he will save and he will take joyful delight in you . In his love he will renew you with his love ; he will celebrate with singing because of you . 

 zephaniah 3 : 17 ]]