as we well know , i am a writer . i love to write . i love words . i love paper . i love black pens and sharpies .
sometimes it's relaxed , pretty , and graceful .
sometimes it's messy , rushed , and desperate .
i think it's those times that it is most important to write but also those times i am intimidated to so . not of Him , but of me .
sometimes our hearts are poetic , a lot of times they are not .
truthfully actually , i would venture to say they - or mine anyway - is always very much both .
but the poetic is much easier to let out . it looks so much nicer . it feels 'right' .
but there is no wrong .
but frustrated , anxious , scarred , annoyed , angry , hurt heart is not bad .
it never has been and it never will be .
so right now ? i have a lot in me that is not very poetic . pains that date back for years . some over a decade .
they are real .
and it is okay .
lord , i have tried everything .
and there in lies the flaw .
he has not , is not , and will not ever withhold from me but He will not allow me to take from Him or create on my own anything that was always intended as His to be given as a gift .
so ?? i give up . i quit trying and i am believing .
i want the gift . i want the giver . but what a double standard to want all of Him if i will not be honest with all of me .
i'm bringing Him my unpoetic heart and believing for breakthrough on the other side . and i am seeking breakthrough in Truth , of Jesus Himself over breakthrough for my body , my sleep , the list goes on and on .
i want Him more than what He has , and how will we ever get what He has if we do not first have Him ?
i want to be okay if the breakthrough doesn't come because i know He's right beside me in the frustration and the pain .
and an unpoetic journal doesn't have to be an ugly journal . if given the same time an d attention - which it is worthy and deserving of - perhaps it can be even more beautiful .
sometimes it's relaxed , pretty , and graceful .
sometimes it's messy , rushed , and desperate .
i think it's those times that it is most important to write but also those times i am intimidated to so . not of Him , but of me .
sometimes our hearts are poetic , a lot of times they are not .
truthfully actually , i would venture to say they - or mine anyway - is always very much both .
but the poetic is much easier to let out . it looks so much nicer . it feels 'right' .
but there is no wrong .
but frustrated , anxious , scarred , annoyed , angry , hurt heart is not bad .
it never has been and it never will be .
so right now ? i have a lot in me that is not very poetic . pains that date back for years . some over a decade .
they are real .
and it is okay .
lord , i have tried everything .
and there in lies the flaw .
he has not , is not , and will not ever withhold from me but He will not allow me to take from Him or create on my own anything that was always intended as His to be given as a gift .
so ?? i give up . i quit trying and i am believing .
i want the gift . i want the giver . but what a double standard to want all of Him if i will not be honest with all of me .
i'm bringing Him my unpoetic heart and believing for breakthrough on the other side . and i am seeking breakthrough in Truth , of Jesus Himself over breakthrough for my body , my sleep , the list goes on and on .
i want Him more than what He has , and how will we ever get what He has if we do not first have Him ? i want to be okay if the breakthrough doesn't come because i know He's right beside me in the frustration and the pain .
and an unpoetic journal doesn't have to be an ugly journal . if given the same time an d attention - which it is worthy and deserving of - perhaps it can be even more beautiful .
