children teaching children .

as a class this year , we are serving and loving on the children of our church . every sunday i take the stage and lead a room of fifth and sixth graders in worship . [[ oh do i have confidence to build , growth to achieve , and improvements to make but this post isn't about me ; it's about them ]] tonight , as much of our team is overseas on outreach being Jesus to Syrian refugees , i had the privilege of being a little more involved with the kids by helping with small groups . my soul was so encouraged , so fed , so stirred as i listened to these precious girls discuss the story of the Israelites exiled in the wilderness after being led out of slavery in egypt . i sat amazed by their questions and their insight . these girls had the hunger and the bravery to ask the hard questions . the ones we as adults are afraid to ask . it was an honor to sit with them and be trusted with their pure , unrestrained hunger to know God , to understand His character ; to be engaged with them as they connected with these stories as real and so much more than childhood fantasy . . . the glamorous fairy tale ones i remember . they connected with the details of the story , the attitudes of the characters , the presence of God . 

but how could they forget so easily ? if i got rescued from slavery , i would never forget . . . 

but . . God being angry , that doesn't seem right . . . 

sixth graders . voicing the questions i only recently have dared to ask . but it is in that daring the revelation comes and intimacy infuses itself in to our very beings . 

humbled . forced to ask myself the same questions . to wonder and answer in my own heart in truth that i might disciple them in truth ; to shepherd them in putting themselves in the story and apply it in regards to their own lives and in their own worlds . 
to speak in to the character of God so tainted by the world . to share with them the very things i am learning . 
receiving the healing before the wound . 
capturing truth . instilling hope . appreciating grace . 

children of God . 

let the little children come  . . . 

they call me leader , but i call them the same . 

let the children come . . . that they might teach us to be more like them . 
and may i never again take for granted the precious treasure entrusted to my care , 

oh Lord , that you would choose a broken vessel such as me ; that you would choose my not despite my brokenness but because of it . 

Daddy 's girl

Daddy , thank you for all that you are doing in me . thank you for your detail and intricacy ; that you are thorough, that you work swiftly yet gently . thank you that you kill al that is destroying me without killing . . or destroying . . me . 

and so it proves to stand you don't look at me and see as i do or anyone else does but you look at me and see the perfection of Christ , your precious little girl , your bride made white .

sheer delight shining in your eyes ; radiating from your smile .

i run to you , as many times as i find myself any distance from you . i don't make it even a single step for you are all ready there . 

i rejoice in never being apart from you . 

i bring my eyes and heart back home to you .

we dance . 

we sing . 

we play . 

love and intimacy that only grows .

lead me on , 

i want the more - not from but - of you . 

sh*** & giggles .

i'm excited to have words to share with you for the first while in a long while . believe me , there have been words. . .

 spoken and heard .

shouted , sung , and wept .

written and scribbled .

conscious and half awake . 

i don't like to . . . i can't . . . write when my own words are in the way .

here is a place the words should come soft , smooth , and natural . they should flow , one giving birth to the next .

forced words are aggressive .

you may not know the difference but i do .

desperate words are untrusted words . and that's okay .

so i wait .

and at last , once again , here we are .

today was wonderful yet as the evening drew on i grew more and more frustrated and easily upsettable which in turn , continued to make me all the more irritated at being so irritable .

who has the power to drive me more insane than any other person ? myself . hands down . not always . but on nights like tonight .

i had a post i was going to write and it's turning out a little differently but , actually both come down to the same thing .

i am frustrated . and sure the little things getting to me are annoying but i am not typically that shakeable .

i am frustrated with myself . i am frustrated at the places i don't quite let my Father fully love me yet . but do you know that even that begs the question of the bottom line ?

if i am frustrated with myself for where i am at , i am frustrated with my processes .

but the process isn't mine . if i'm frustrated with my process i am frustrated , actually , with His process .

if i am frustrated with His process , i am also impatient with it .

if i am both frustrated and impatient with His process , i am frustrated with Him .

if i am frustrated with Him , ultimately , i am not trusting Him .

if i am not trusting Him , there is , at least , one lie i am believing about Him for He is , in the essence of who He is , fully trustworthy . 

there also begs a second issue that begs to couple the first , i am looking with the wrong perspective and with the wrong perspective comes ingratitude .

if i am focused on frustration with where i am at compared to where i wish to be , i am first of all unthankful for where i am and also lacking to acknowledge where He has brought me from and how far we have come for in that , there is everything to celebrate .

how often does our worship , though true , cater to the weepiness of our spirit . we need consolation and so we pick the slow songs . the soft ones . the poetic mushy ones .

you know what i'm talking about .

i am absolutely in no was saying there is a single thing wrong with any of these . believe me , i love them . i breathe them . and they do most certainly feed a certain kind of desperation .

they do though , at the same time , leave it only partially tended .

we need the words that hold us , that breathe soft breathe back into our lungs , the truth that sweetly soothes us .

but where are the songs that get us out of bed and off of our couches ? that ones we can't help but sing and shout along ? where are the songs of celebration and declaration ? the ones you can't possibly keep your hands down . these songs are the ones that bring the character and promise of God to fullness . that remind us not only of His love but also of His faithfulness .

they remind us of His power for he is both gentle and mighty .

we don't need part of Him .
we need all of Him .

so please , i beseech you , cry to Jesus ( nobody does it better than i do ) weep with Him - for He does just that - weeps with us . for us . harder in fact , than we do .

but laugh with Him too . even when you don't feel like it . especially when you don't feel like it .

shout His name and remind your soul of what He's done for you .

you will find yourself in tears for an entirely different [ or at least now multitude of ] reasons .

oh the Lord is fun ! and He delights in what delights you . . it is He who put that delight within you !

so i've made an additional playlist . a few actually .

my cuddle worship hasn't gone anywhere but now it's right next to my declaration playlist . . . which is also next to a second new one . . it's not worship music at all . . or is it ? it's not categorized as ' christian & gospel ' but i enjoy it and it's a little bit of everything - yes , miley cyrus included . you want to know what it's called ? shits & giggles . don't look at me , He told me to call it that .

why ? because He knows me ! He loves me ! He made me ! He is a lighthearted God !

He cries harder than i do and He also laughs harder than my roommates do when i dance around singing karaoke in a towel because i got distracted on the way to the shower

' my yoke is easy and my burden is light ' matthew 11 : 30

Jesus isn't all heavy you know .

so homework . keep that consolation list .

but also make your victory one .

and then ?

yep . shits & giggles .

you can even borrow my title ;) 

yours truly .

ab

deserts like eden .

and this time her tears were from a different place , a deeper place . they seemed to have an infinite source and though they paralyzed her , this was a peaceful paralysis ; she was not afraid and let them come . 

pur tears . honest tears . 

where before the floods had been violent , ripping her open , creating gorges within her , these waters were pure ; pure in motive , cleansing her as they flowed , a mighty filling of every empty place . they did not wreck her , erode her or decay , ripping through carelessly and apathetic to their destruction ; calloused to whoever they lay to waste . 

these waters are mighty , gently , they come with vengeance but of a different kind , they do not come to ruin but to rest , filling every depth and crevice .

they come to stay , filling to the brim , claiming their territory . none can move them . none dare try . 

they settle in with an unshakeable calm , immoveable stillness and crystal clear clarity from the surface to their infinite , abounding core - none can find . 

it is a safe assurance . 

there are worlds below them , thriving within them , bursting from them and soaring above them . 

beyond recognition . all things new . 

something - everything - from nothing . 

no place off limits . endless discovery . . .

 surely goodness and faithfulness will surround her and abound within her all the days of her life .

His heart her Home . welcome child . 

Abba 

The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins ; he will make her deserts like Eden , her wastelands like the garden of the Lord .  Joy and gladness will be found in her , thanksgiving and the sound of singing . 

Isaiah 55 : 3