something old something new .

so i had this huge revelation of this thing in my life that hasn't been a thing but from now on is definitely a thing . . in my life . 
it's something i've never really made a habit of , that now i am pursuing and practicing that it would become my new normal - natural . constant . innate . a ' thing ' as if it was never not a thing . 

waiting on The Lord :: 
intentionally asking and inviting Him in to specific details of my life . 
what does He think ? 
what does He say ? about me . . it . . them . . 
He is the huge uncontainable indefinable infinite God - - who sees , is in , and cares about every practicality . 

Lord , do i want to work out ? or do i want to take a nap . . do i want to go to grit ? or do i want to go to yoga . . do i want to watch aladdin or beauty and the beast ?
Lord , what do you want me to say or not say to this person . 
Jesus , i'm feeling rejected right now . . what do you say ?
God , that hurt and i'm angry . . i don't know what i need but you do . . speak to me . 
Holy Spirit , let's go on an adventure . . should i turn left or right here ? straight ? oh yeah , or that too . . 
Lord , so and so drives me nuts . . help me see them as you do , give me grace , and how can i make healthy boundaries with them , what do those look like ?
Should i buy a dog ? can i buy a dog ? what kind ? what should we name it ?!
God , i do **fill in the blank** and i know it's not good for me , i don't want to do it but i can't stop ! why ? what do i think it's accomplishing for me ? what am i not trusting or believing about You ?  what is the lie i'm believing about myself . . .

i get so excited about something , or afraid , or upset and i lay it before Him , spill it all , and ask//beg Him to show up , to rescue me , to move . . . i bring Him my frenzy [ which often tends to just multiply itself in the process ] and then forget to ask and wait for Him to respond so rather than 'leaving' with His Voice , with Peace , with His Heart . . . i 'leave' more burdened and distraught .
the real kicker is that then i become frustrated He 'isn't answering' . that nothing is changing . that i'm not free . when that is in fact , not at all the reality of what's going on . 

most of the time , we are talking at God . . when there is so much more available to us . . the invitation to - His desire  that we would - talk with Him .

there is so much Grace for this . it is a habit we have to practice , learn , instill in ourselves. it does not come naturally and so where i could turn that frustration on to myself and feel guilty and ashamed , instead , i accept the Grace and really , am giddy with excitement to now have realized such an 'oh duh' thing , giggle at myself , thank Him for the revelation . it is not a hindsight realization to be guilty about but a gateway into exponentially more freedom and intimacy . 
we all have to learn it . we all have to pursue it . forget how long it may have taken to get here . . i'm here now and am way more concerned with what it means for the rest of my life . just days in and everything is so different . so new . so alive . 

my own voice is so weak and powerless but when i come under His . . . we are unstoppable . 
if God is for us , who can be against us ? [ romans 8 : 31 ]
He's always been for us . . . for me . but to read the words is one thing . to know a fact is great . but to experience the reality personally ? fact becomes solidified and tangible truth no longer just floating around through your head but now deeply rooted , the very blood flowing , in your heart . 
hear-say is doubtable . 
first hand experience is inarguable . 

today is only day 3 of living in this new discipline and my entire life is completely different . i am completely different .  
i know discipline has a negative connotation and sounds overbearing but i could never even tell you fully or fairly or anywhere near completely , the Freedom i feel . the Peace . the Joy . the weightlessness .
all of the things i have begged , pleaded , and cried for . . wrestled and fought for only to come up anxious frustrated and confused as to why i didn't have them . 
living for The Spirit . craving His fruit [ galatians 5 : 22 - 23 ] . . yet feeling so empty handed and lacking .

we can lay our lives out before Him all day every day but the game changer is whether or not we leave it there . 

her little brown boy , his little blonde girl .

this . is eli .

he is in every sense of the word , my brother - minus legal technicalities which is of course , least important .
if you were to only ever spend even just point seven seconds with the two of us , you would , with wide eyes and mouth agape , agree more whole heartedly than you thought your whole heart was capable of .
the whole little brother - big sister relationship thing ?  we've got it down pat . arguably even better than any of those which meet the legal standard .

we are loud obnoxious and annoying .
we ' talk to each other ' but really just end up talking over each other and to ourselves .
we play hard and laugh hard .
we are best friends .
he drives me insane and i love him to death .
it would be common and acceptable to say that he tests my patience . but i would like to say that those that test us ? teach us . if we will allow them .
he teaches me patience . he teaches me graciousness
our favorite movie is aladdin  . . .  and we're really good at making banana bread .
he forgets to flush the toilet and i throw a fit about it .
he has , the biggest heart of anyone i know .

we also , are on the hit list of anyone that lives within at least a three mile radius of my house - i'm convinced no one actually killed us this past week because they knew their entertainment would die right along with us .
they may hate us but they also count on us .

we are a traveling show circus as we ride our bikes around the neighborhood playfully arguing , yelling to be heard , singing songs both real and made up , giggling , belly laughing , running in to each other , almost running in to each other , and trying at all costs not to make any old people mad . so we smile and nod believing that fixes everything .

i try to help keep him stay aware of his surroundings and teach him as we go . . successfully about 97% of the time . the other 3% looks a little more like this ::
he's in his state of mumbling crooked riding oblivion . i am following behind .
i notice us approaching an innocent hunched - over old man innocently getting his mail .
i whisper-yell ahead of me :: ' eli , do not scare this old man! '
eli :: ' what?! '
me :: ' don't scare this old man ! '
eli :: ' okay! '
three . . .
   two . . . .
     and with all of the sound and might of his nine - year old body :: ' ROOOOAAARRRRR!!!!! '
straight . for . the old man .
i was horrified . mortified . confounded .

' ELI ?!?!?! '
he bashfully replied with all the genuine innocence of his heart ::
' i thought you said to scare him . . . '

we turned around , introduced ourselves and apologized to bob  . . . . and roared laughing the entire way home and each retelling of the story .

the week goes on and our rides continue .
it rains and i whine about how cold i am . the rain stops and i complain about the humidity .
he detours for every ' U ' shaped driveway and rides through the grass i just got done telling him not to .
we create our own versions of the story behind where the new neighbors came from and who will occupy their home .
i am an incessant bottomless pit of questions . ones that don't allow for vague easy yes or no answers
as rightfully i could claim he tests me , he could argue the same about me .
but i won't . and he wouldn't .

aside from attempting to burn off our energy , our bike rides were also very educational .
all week i learned things and on our rides , would share what i learn and together we would practice and rehearse .
sound of music . only . . . not so graceful classy musical or coordinated .
and bible story .
here's what we learned this week ::

the bible is made up of 66 books and two testaments - the old , which has 39 books , and the new , which has 27 .
it was written over a period of about 1600 years by 40 different authors and in 3 different languages : greek , hebrew , and aramaic .
the 4 gospels are matthew , mark , luke , and john . after that comes acts .
the longest chapter of the bible is psalm 119 and the shortest verse is two words . Jesus wept . you can find it in john .
goliath was the tallest man in the bible standing at 9 1/2 feet tall . he was killed by david .
the oldest man of the bible was named methuselah and he lived to be 969 years old . his dad's name was enoch and both he , and elijah , were taken up to heaven without ever dying .

if you asked that little boy any question regarding any of those facts , he'd have the answer .
and i would like to say too , i just recounted it all from memory too .

we may be dysfunctional , but we bring out the best in each other . we teach each other . we embrace and invite each other and all of our failures , quarks , strengths , and child-likeness .
and to the untrained eye , this picture looks blurry and embarrassing but it's actually my favorite because if ever we could be actually captured , this is what we would look like .

he's my little brother . i'm his big sister .
but despite our ages , sometimes i think it's the other way around .