i believe with all my heart that The Lord is a romantic . it is not only what He says of Himself but also the reality i live with Him every day . admittedly , there are days in which i fail to see the romance , but His grace and mercy , unbound by time , are ceaselessly faithful to eventually unveil my blinded eyes , overwhelming my heart and flooding me all the more .
i never didn't want to go to waco . i had actually been accepted into the school back in april but for the time being , disappointedly , i had turned it down . i didn't understand . i had applied several months in advance with confidence and what i believed to be confirmation to do so . with the press of the ' submit ' button my wild imagination , paired with a cavernous time of waiting , took up quick residence and my dreams ran away with me .
i had plans .
big ones .
grandiose ones . . .[[ i have a theory about this later . hold on to this unfinished thought . ]]
fast forward .
the call hadn't come yet but there was a sinking , unsettled feeling in my heart .
i wasn't going to waco . that confidence and confirmation had come up with a different conclusion ; an ending i wasn't so excited about but the one that came with peace .
the call came . obedience isn't always easy and or pain free . i turned it down leaving my application filed as ' no ' with an open invitation to be refiled as otherwise . [[ part two of soon to be mentioned theory . hold on to this one too ]]
when i am presented with my ' next steps options ' i worry and weigh and improvise the outcome of each situation . i am not a logistics person but i try to think through them . i fantasize myself in each scenario [ undoubtedly completely unrealistically ] and after all of this hard work , typically , come up with nothing . . besides more exasperation than i began with .
i've boiled it down to one question and am practicing coming to it more quickly , side stepping above mentioned exasperation . the question is this ::
which requires more faith . . in this case . . to stay or to go ??
in april , it was blatantly to stay .
fast forward .
i , not so coincidentally , ended up at a prayer and worship night at a church an hour away that i had never been to . the service started , the Holy Spirit was invited , and oh did He move . i lost myself in Him , walking out of that place ninety minutes later in somewhat of a daze ; a fog ; it was as if i had come down from the clouds . i have yet to come up with an adequate description of what it was i was feeling but it was disorienting . it doesn't matter what it felt like though because i knew what it was . it was Him . His Presence .
He had found me and enveloped me as i sat alone among strangers in the most inconspicuous of places , where moments before i had sat in the parking lot debating whether or not to go in .
i journaled . i cried . i laughed . i sat still . i soaked it in and on the drive home i celebrated .
i was going to waco .
now , i know i'm not the only one thinking The Lord is looking a bit bipolar and indecisive right now . cue the soon to follow meltdown of ' what am i doing?! i don't hear the lord (( how's that for discouragement and the pit of despair )) ?! He's not supposed to change His mind ?! i don't deserve to go to waco ?! '
and the ever faithful inevitable finale of . . .
' IM GOING TO DIE '
baby fast forward.
a . i hear The Lord (( and so do you for that matter ))
b . He does not change His mind or contradict Himself .
c . deserve? revisit grace . . moot point . &
d . i'm obviously still alive so we won't even worry about addressing that one . . leave a comment if you have any questions there .
i think we can all agree that it is very obvious He is not the bipolar indecisive one and that those two qualities blatantly belong to me .
i was always going to waco .
[[ pause . go grab those two unfinished thoughts i left you with before ]]
this whole process was about exactly that . . the process . the journey . those grandiose dreams ? they had taken His hands off of the plan and went to work replacing them my own messy finger prints .
My Father loves to dream . He loves to dream even more than i do and is capable of even bigger ones than my imagination could ever even dare . in His dreaming , He created me , and invited me along to do it with Him .
i got ahead of myself and started doing it without Him . what does that do ? it leaves Him out consequently shrinking and limiting my dreams which is unsatisfying to Him .
that romance ? i could have argued with you kicking , screaming , moping , and crying , that it just wasn't there the day i turned my acceptance down .
thankfully i didn't because that brings us to the ' eventually ' . the eventually is not on His part but mine , the grace is that He willingly sticks out the ' eventually ' anticipating that ' ohhhhhhhhh , thaat's what You were doing . ' moment with all the rosiness of my cheeks as they sheepishly blush in the humbling reappointing Him to the throne and getting my butt off of it .
I took waco from Him and all He wanted to do was give it to me . He wanted to give me a gift in all of it's fullness , in all of His glory , in all of His love .
He never changed His mind , but there was more going on than the decision of whether or not to go to Waco .
it wasn't right or wrong .
it wasn't life or death .
it was , every step of the way , every piece of the puzzle , every unfinished thought and moment of feeling forgotten , for the sake of sweeping me off my feet .
it is now those moments that felt forsaken that i look back and know i was ' most ' intimately and vulnerably seen .
provided for .
carried .
held .
this adventure is now the invitation it was always meant to be ,
come away with me . . [ mark 6:31 ]
let me show you just how big i love you .
He loves to see me speechless ,
and Lord knows He's the only one capable of getting me that way .
i never didn't want to go to waco . i had actually been accepted into the school back in april but for the time being , disappointedly , i had turned it down . i didn't understand . i had applied several months in advance with confidence and what i believed to be confirmation to do so . with the press of the ' submit ' button my wild imagination , paired with a cavernous time of waiting , took up quick residence and my dreams ran away with me .
i had plans .
big ones .
grandiose ones . . .[[ i have a theory about this later . hold on to this unfinished thought . ]]
fast forward .
the call hadn't come yet but there was a sinking , unsettled feeling in my heart .
i wasn't going to waco . that confidence and confirmation had come up with a different conclusion ; an ending i wasn't so excited about but the one that came with peace .
the call came . obedience isn't always easy and or pain free . i turned it down leaving my application filed as ' no ' with an open invitation to be refiled as otherwise . [[ part two of soon to be mentioned theory . hold on to this one too ]]
when i am presented with my ' next steps options ' i worry and weigh and improvise the outcome of each situation . i am not a logistics person but i try to think through them . i fantasize myself in each scenario [ undoubtedly completely unrealistically ] and after all of this hard work , typically , come up with nothing . . besides more exasperation than i began with .
i've boiled it down to one question and am practicing coming to it more quickly , side stepping above mentioned exasperation . the question is this ::
which requires more faith . . in this case . . to stay or to go ??
in april , it was blatantly to stay .
fast forward .
i , not so coincidentally , ended up at a prayer and worship night at a church an hour away that i had never been to . the service started , the Holy Spirit was invited , and oh did He move . i lost myself in Him , walking out of that place ninety minutes later in somewhat of a daze ; a fog ; it was as if i had come down from the clouds . i have yet to come up with an adequate description of what it was i was feeling but it was disorienting . it doesn't matter what it felt like though because i knew what it was . it was Him . His Presence .
He had found me and enveloped me as i sat alone among strangers in the most inconspicuous of places , where moments before i had sat in the parking lot debating whether or not to go in .
i journaled . i cried . i laughed . i sat still . i soaked it in and on the drive home i celebrated .
i was going to waco .
now , i know i'm not the only one thinking The Lord is looking a bit bipolar and indecisive right now . cue the soon to follow meltdown of ' what am i doing?! i don't hear the lord (( how's that for discouragement and the pit of despair )) ?! He's not supposed to change His mind ?! i don't deserve to go to waco ?! '
and the ever faithful inevitable finale of . . .
' IM GOING TO DIE '
baby fast forward.
a . i hear The Lord (( and so do you for that matter ))
b . He does not change His mind or contradict Himself .
c . deserve? revisit grace . . moot point . &
d . i'm obviously still alive so we won't even worry about addressing that one . . leave a comment if you have any questions there .
i think we can all agree that it is very obvious He is not the bipolar indecisive one and that those two qualities blatantly belong to me .
i was always going to waco .
[[ pause . go grab those two unfinished thoughts i left you with before ]]
this whole process was about exactly that . . the process . the journey . those grandiose dreams ? they had taken His hands off of the plan and went to work replacing them my own messy finger prints .
My Father loves to dream . He loves to dream even more than i do and is capable of even bigger ones than my imagination could ever even dare . in His dreaming , He created me , and invited me along to do it with Him .
i got ahead of myself and started doing it without Him . what does that do ? it leaves Him out consequently shrinking and limiting my dreams which is unsatisfying to Him .
that romance ? i could have argued with you kicking , screaming , moping , and crying , that it just wasn't there the day i turned my acceptance down .
thankfully i didn't because that brings us to the ' eventually ' . the eventually is not on His part but mine , the grace is that He willingly sticks out the ' eventually ' anticipating that ' ohhhhhhhhh , thaat's what You were doing . ' moment with all the rosiness of my cheeks as they sheepishly blush in the humbling reappointing Him to the throne and getting my butt off of it .
I took waco from Him and all He wanted to do was give it to me . He wanted to give me a gift in all of it's fullness , in all of His glory , in all of His love .
He never changed His mind , but there was more going on than the decision of whether or not to go to Waco .
it wasn't right or wrong .
it wasn't life or death .
it was , every step of the way , every piece of the puzzle , every unfinished thought and moment of feeling forgotten , for the sake of sweeping me off my feet .
provided for .
carried .
held .
this adventure is now the invitation it was always meant to be ,
come away with me . . [ mark 6:31 ]
let me show you just how big i love you .
He loves to see me speechless ,
and Lord knows He's the only one capable of getting me that way .
