yesterday was a bit of a roller coaster . the morning started off one way , the afternoon turned another , and the night ended in an entirely different way .
at some point , every emotion was experienced in full .
highs .
lows .
some lingered while others simply stopped long enough to make themselves known and move on .
whether uncontainable joy , burning anger , gut wrenching hurt , seemingly hopeless discouragement , physical pain , or the whiplash of fast - forward speed mental processing and realization , i wake up this morning and i do not wish the day away . i do not regret any of my own negative contribution and i do not resent that of any others . it is not merely a focus on the mountains and denial of the valleys , i am thankful for it all .
every emotion , whether the way it manifests be healthy or accurate as to how it is we are truly feeling at the bottom of it all , is born out of valid purpose .
it is okay to not be okay .
it is okay to feel weak and to lean on those [ who are safe to lean on ] around you .
it is pride and deception to think we can make it on our own .
the weaknesses i felt yesterday , the hopelessness and discouragement , would have gotten the best of me , i am sure , if not for the ones that carried me through that particular turn of the roller coaster .
vulnerability is risky . it will humble you . ultimately , it will envelope you , carry you , break down walls , and draw you nearer to the people we have been gifted with in our lives .
it will bless you , and it will bless them .
vulnerability acknowledges that you are worth fighting for ; that you were made for more .
likewise , vulnerability speaks to the worth of those with whom we choose to enter into it .
it feels good to be trusted .
it feels good to feel necessary , helpful , strong , chosen ; to be invited into intimacy with another person .
in stepping into being vulnerable , a cycle of life giving relationship ensues ; a cyclical flow of value
** i am worth fighting for - - >
you are trustworthy and dependable to support me - - >
i feel loved , covered , and affirmed in my worth that you would care enough about me to step into this with me - - >
i feel value and purpose that you would confide in me and see in me , someone approachable ; confident that i would have something of benefit to offer you . . . **
i am thankful for yesterday because i am learning how to not be okay . how to not simply ignore anything unpleasant while on the contrary , not sinking in to pity or sitting stagnant and complacent .
how to not be taken over by the quick sand of internal processing and self assessment .
i am thankful for yesterday because i am drowning in a sea of being genuinely and purely known ; of being seen sheerly for my heart - loved for what is there - identity spoken out that i cannot yet see or don't quite yet have the assurance to stand behind .
don't stop with the feeling . don't stop with the circumstance . don't stop at blame or shame .
if we do , we may ' move on ' , but the feeling will remain , fester , and inevitably resurface and manifest itself in an even deeper rooted and detrimental way in the future .
i am frustrated . why ?
i am sad . why ?
i am hurt . why ?
i am angry . why ?
i am scared . why ?
and on the flip side . . .
i am happy . why ?
i am excited . why ?
i am so encouraged . why ?
it all comes down to identity . the question actually isn't merely ' why ' but . . . what is this saying to me about my identity ? who i am ? do i believe it [ truth or lies - initiated by ourselves or another ] ?
what lie am i believing / do i feel is being called out in me that is not mine to hold ?
what truth am i not believing about myself or The One who made me ?
what does He have to say ?
i am thankful for yesterday because i am learning to allow every moment to be a reciprocal invitation . one i have the opportunity to offer and one i have the opportunity to receive .
Lord , speak .
Child , listen .
Father , help me believe .
Daughter , I adore you , stay with me , you will see .
i took these pictures yesterday and initially had them at the beginning of this post with these words ,
' i don't actually like this picture , i mean , it's sort of cool i guess , but it certainly doesn't qualify as pretty . . . '
i had gone to be in the woods and did not get the scenery i was hoping for . it was barren and dead . rampant ant hills were the only signs of life . . . and thorn bushes constantly scraping at my legs [ if that counts as life ]
it was The Pride Lands of The Lion King under the reign of Scar come to life ; which was fitting for that particular point in the roller coaster . . . but , according to who , was Scar actually deemed as ruler ?
himself and a bunch of stupid hyenas [ and or ' stupid mangey poachers . . . aka irrelevant . plus the fact that they also eventually turned their backs on him ]
those he ' ruled ' never accepted or acknowledged him as that which he desired to be and while temporarily , at first glance , it looked as if scar was in control , anything beyond a fleeting glance would show otherwise .
The Lord met me in this place , He allowed me still to sing [ literally . . . ask the hiker that walked by and away with a story to take back to his friends . . ] , He loved me there and Shepherded me to safety . He brought me home that by the end of the night , i might lay my head down to sleep shielded in grace , resting in peace , victorious with Him in another day one .
it could have been so different and so i look again to the pictures and my soul whispers
beautiful .
since being in waco , it's become a thing to make my bed and pick up my room every morning . i enjoy it . it brings a sense of peace in both how i personally feel but also the feel of my room . it's not chaotic to look at so it isn't chaotic to walk in to or be around . and at night , when the day is done it is a warm and welcoming invitation to pull back the covers , gather my stuffed animals , re-place my pillow , crawl in to and be safely swept away in sleep . all of that to lead up to and say , this morning i was met with a delightful release from The Lord to take the day off and to rest . i see Him with a smile on His face and hear Him whisper with a twinkle in His eye , ' hey baby , don't worry about making your bed today . . . if you find yourself wanting to pick up the floor sometime later this afternoon , great . but only if you want to ;) '
it's like getting flowers from your boyfriend . . . but also not at all because it's that much better .
and i smile to think it started with obedience , discipline , and good stewardship .
there's that ' discipline ' word again . . . see ?! it's really not so bad !
without it , this mornings invitation would have had no means by which to exist .
domineering and legalistic . . . . it just isn't who He is .
so i had this huge revelation of this thing in my life that hasn't been a thing but from now on is definitely a thing . . in my life .
it's something i've never really made a habit of , that now i am pursuing and practicing that it would become my new normal - natural . constant . innate . a ' thing ' as if it was never not a thing .
waiting on The Lord ::
intentionally asking and inviting Him in to specific details of my life .
what does He think ?
what does He say ? about me . . it . . them . .
He is the huge uncontainable indefinable infinite God - - who sees , is in , and cares about every practicality .
Lord , do i want to work out ? or do i want to take a nap . . do i want to go to grit ? or do i want to go to yoga . . do i want to watch aladdin or beauty and the beast ?
Lord , what do you want me to say or not say to this person .
Jesus , i'm feeling rejected right now . . what do you say ?
God , that hurt and i'm angry . . i don't know what i need but you do . . speak to me .
Holy Spirit , let's go on an adventure . . should i turn left or right here ? straight ? oh yeah , or that too . .
Lord , so and so drives me nuts . . help me see them as you do , give me grace , and how can i make healthy boundaries with them , what do those look like ?
Should i buy a dog ? can i buy a dog ? what kind ? what should we name it ?!
God , i do **fill in the blank** and i know it's not good for me , i don't want to do it but i can't stop ! why ? what do i think it's accomplishing for me ? what am i not trusting or believing about You ? what is the lie i'm believing about myself . . .
i get so excited about something , or afraid , or upset and i lay it before Him , spill it all , and ask//beg Him to show up , to rescue me , to move . . . i bring Him my frenzy [ which often tends to just multiply itself in the process ] and then forget to ask and wait for Him to respond so rather than 'leaving' with His Voice , with Peace , with His Heart . . . i 'leave' more burdened and distraught .
the real kicker is that then i become frustrated He 'isn't answering' . that nothing is changing . that i'm not free . when that is in fact , not at all the reality of what's going on .
most of the time , we are talking at God . . when there is so much more available to us . . the invitation to - His desire that we would - talk with Him .
there is so much Grace for this . it is a habit we have to practice , learn , instill in ourselves. it does not come naturally and so where i could turn that frustration on to myself and feel guilty and ashamed , instead , i accept the Grace and really , am giddy with excitement to now have realized such an 'oh duh' thing , giggle at myself , thank Him for the revelation . it is not a hindsight realization to be guilty about but a gateway into exponentially more freedom and intimacy .
we all have to learn it . we all have to pursue it . forget how long it may have taken to get here . . i'm here now and am way more concerned with what it means for the rest of my life . just days in and everything is so different . so new . so alive .
my own voice is so weak and powerless but when i come under His . . . we are unstoppable .
if God is for us , who can be against us ? [ romans 8 : 31 ]
He's always been for us . . . for me . but to read the words is one thing . to know a fact is great . but to experience the reality personally ? fact becomes solidified and tangible truth no longer just floating around through your head but now deeply rooted , the very blood flowing , in your heart .
hear-say is doubtable .
first hand experience is inarguable .
today is only day 3 of living in this new discipline and my entire life is completely different . i am completely different .
i know discipline has a negative connotation and sounds overbearing but i could never even tell you fully or fairly or anywhere near completely , the Freedom i feel . the Peace . the Joy . the weightlessness .
all of the things i have begged , pleaded , and cried for . . wrestled and fought for only to come up anxious frustrated and confused as to why i didn't have them .
living for The Spirit . craving His fruit [ galatians 5 : 22 - 23 ] . . yet feeling so empty handed and lacking .
we can lay our lives out before Him all day every day but the game changer is whether or not we leave it there .
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